Damn kids  

GetOffMyLawn 48M
31 posts
6/8/2006 8:15 pm
Damn kids

I went to a birthday party tonight. It was a birthday party for a little kid I do not know. I won't get into the particulars about how I got invited, but suffice it to say that a woman that some say is attractive (George says so) was the hostess. The hostess under duress I suspect. But I digress. I was saying that I did not know the kid and I was telling the truth. He is four and as far as kids go was not annoying. Like most kids his age he was not really up on his current events so discussing the recent death of those Iranian conjoined twins was out of the question. He also showed little interest in quantum physics and alternative sources of energy using nothing more than dirt. I suppose that on further reflection this kid was pretty stupid.

That's the problem with little children. They are stupid. Some would argue that they simply haven't had time to acquire the kind of knowledge that my many years of life have given me. That's a load of crap. Life is tough and these little rats need to get their acts together if they expect to amount to anything. You can't run around the house with a diaper full of smelly turds and just expect people to wait on you hand and foot. Show some initiative and change that diaper. How hard can it be? Better yet, use a toilet. The rest of the world uses toilets so what makes you think that you are so special that you don't need to crap in a porcelain bowl? You're just lazy.

How stupid do you have to be to eat your own boogers? Answer: kid-stupid. No matter how many times you tell a kid about the monster that lives in his nose, no matter how realistic your descriptions of how that monster will tear his finger off if he sticks it up there, the stupid kid continues to insert said finger into said nose in search of a tasty, green morsel. Only kids and psychopaths eat boogers. That's a part of the FBI profile of most serial killers that never makes the news: "Ate his own boogers". I'm not trying to draw a connection between serial killers and children, but I find it to be no small coincidence that all known serial killers were at some point children.

Continuing down the line of sound logic I have just opened, I know a kid who is a pathological liar. She might not turn out to be a serial killer, but she sure as hell is a serial annoyer. She wanders the street on which I live, a sour look on her ugly little face, a black heart driving her tiny little brain to commit acts of extreme annoyance. She kicks doors. I know she is aware of the proper use and function of doorbells, but she refuses to use them. Day after day she terrorizes the good citizens who have installed doors on their homes. It is ironic that the very reason doors were invented in the first place was to separate good people from stupid kids just like her. Her modus operandi is simple. She selects a door, she kicks the door, she lies to the unsuspecting soul who opens the door, she effects a scowl and attempts to gain entry through the door in order to spread more lies about the smart kids who live behind the door. If she kicks my door again, I am going to kick that pathetic look right off of her ugly face. I know it won't be a permanent change - her mother has about a million spare ugly looks in her closet, which she keeps in a box right next to her old boobs - but it sure will feel good for a few minutes.

Do you know how easy it is to take a kid's money? They hardly even defend themselves against aggression, they are so stupid. For example, if a kid sets up a lemonade-selling business on the corner and works all day to make a few bucks, you would imagine they would defend that money a bit more rigorously when an adult comes along and tells them to give it to them. It's almost as if they are scared of bigger people. They fold in about two seconds and run home crying. Stupid kid. This is all hypothetical of course. Who would ever do such a horrible thing to a child?

On the advice of my lawyers, I have moved to another paragraph. Kids don't have lawyers on retainer. Kids are stupid.

On the advice of my lawyers, I have switched topics. Kids could never be lawyers. Aside from having to be old enough to pass the bar, kids just don't have the brains or money to go to law school. Right there are two things kids just don't have much of: money, brains and school. First of all, their brains are small. If you were to take a child's brain and weigh it, and then you took an adult's brain and weighed it you would see right away that the adult was much harder to take down in order to get the brain. Unless the adult happened to be one of those retards or a quadriplegic like that Superman guy, but sometimes it's hard to find those kinds of adults on such short notice. I'm guessing you could use one of those vegetable scales they have in places that sell vegetables to weigh the brains, but all the blood would require a large plastic sheet on the floor. Better yet, find a room with a drain, like a Texaco restroom. Brains are not entirely unlike Jell-O.

On the advice of my court-appointed lawyer, I am taking the fifth (5th).

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