Take A Number, Fill Out The Blue Form, The Green Document And The Yellow Certification (Redux)  

Fallic40 54M
3214 posts
3/2/2006 12:00 pm
Take A Number, Fill Out The Blue Form, The Green Document And The Yellow Certification (Redux)

Yes indeed, this is a reprint of a post from early in January. However, I wanted to play with the new poll option and see what problems would be encountered. And yes, I have encountered a problem already. A post of this size has to be separate from the poll! Please, play along, have a good read and laugh, and answer the question as to what kind of queue monster you happen to be.

I have been waiting in lines for the past two days. I have been to the pharmacy. I have been to the DMV (Express, no less). I have been to the library. I have been to the post office. I have been to INS. I have been to the Social Security Administration. I have sat in line. I have stood in line. I have stood in line for a little as five minutes. I waited in line today for three and a half hours.

And this begs the question: What makes the perfect queuing experience?

First there has to be the perfect surroundings to provide ambience. Stark white walls ensure tedium on a mind-numbing scale. Pamphlets and forms in Sanskrit, Hebrew, Xhosa and every language practiced anywhere proliferate. Only the form that you need will not be available in your language. Most important of all is a clock that is visible from every corner of the room. This shows you the minutes of your life draining away (v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y), tick………….tick………..tick. The Federal Government may even have special clocks that run more slowly than a normal clock.

Next you need numbered tickets so that not only can you watch your life ebbing on the clock, you can figure out how much more of it will slip over the horizon as you listen to someone yell “A19, A19 where are you” as you sit there grimly, doggedly, clutching a piece of pink paper with A63 bleeding out as your sweat soaks the paper.

If you are standing, then it is de rigueur to have the Disneyland Memorial Line Posts snaking through the room. This is so you can have the heady experience of seemingly reaching the front of the line only to find yourself turning a corner and following the person in front of you past the bathrooms, around the security desk (twice) and back around the room once again. I swear, at DMV, there was a skeleton under one of the desks and vultures circling overhead.

Finally, to heighten the experience, you need to have the correct formulae of people in front of you. And here is what I have observed over the last day and a half.

The Day Care Manager ‒ this is the poor unfortunate who showed up with a minimum of 9 children all under the age of 5. Often this is a woman, but grandfathers are also often found in this tribe. For this troop, lining in the roped off barriers is akin to going to the park. Expect to see acrobatic tricks worthy of the Flying Wallendas occurring as 4 year old swing from the ropes.

The OIP (Overly Important Person) ‒ this person is too good, too important, too busy to wait in line with us oiks. It is guaranteed they have parked their Lexus SUV in a handicapped, reserved or compact parking spot. If it is a male OIP, look for slicked back hair, a knock-off black Armani suit and talking loudly on a headset cell phone. A female OIP has pursed lips and waspish demeanor ‒ and cell phone. Evil stares are shot in all directions. This is one lady with (in her mind) a ten inch cock. This person will let everyone in the room know that they are just so busy and that they would have had one of their sycophants wait in line for them if the US Government had the sense to not require the actual person needing something to wait in line (because since they are so important, even the government knows who they are: and cares.)

Inspector Gadget ‒ this is the person who shows up ready for a week in line. They have a catheter inserted, and they are prepared with a change of clothes, a camp stove, portable shower and suitable (non-pornographic) reading material. It is good to have this person right behind you as you can often partake in the epicurean delights they bring to the show. Baked brie and truffles anyone?

The Director of Disinformation ‒ this is the person who thinks they are an expert on everything to do with the administration or business that you are waiting in line for. And this individual will share all of this information (usually incorrect or partial) loudly and in a grating tone quite similar to a drunk at a Christmas party. It is especially important to this individual to “assist and translate” correct information given to people in line by employees of said institution.

The Closet Terrorist ‒ this is the person who bitches endlessly about the waste of tax dollars on display. This is usually a man in camouflage with a military haircut and black shades. Often they drive up in jacked up pick ups with expired tags, stocked rifle rack, (cheap) beer cans on the floor, and suspicious drum of “something” in the back. Always, in their closeted mind, things would be much better if they were running things.

The Speaker of the House ‒ this is the person who is argumentative over all points of secular and canon law. “That reserved parking space didn’t say it was not reserved for me” etc. They mesh well with the Director of Disinformation and if both are in line in front of you then check over your shoulders constantly to see if riot police are surrounding the building. Tear gas really smarts if you are not ready for it.

The Zen Master ‒ this is the person who is seemingly asleep in line. As the line moves forward a miniscule amount, the eyes snap open and they float that three inches forward. Their standing heart rate is about 20 beats per minute and the clock on the wall does not apply to them.

The Ditherer ‒ this could be the most annoying person in line….and they will be right in front of you. They have a personal space requirement of fifteen feet in all directions and their need for space results in all the people at the back of the line being crushed against the back wall. They only move forward after the first three people in line have gone to the next available helper. And it is guaranteed that this person will have to empty their purse, bag, pockets and or wallet to find that ONE piece of information that they forgot to enter onto the form that the Director of Disinformation directed them to fill out.

The Hardcore User ‒ this person arrives in line and is at first hopping in place from all of the lattes, mochas, and vente cafĂ© americanos that they have consumed. As the person gradually wends their way to that distant point on the horizon, look for an increasingly dyspeptic expression to replace that look of caffeine induced euphoria as the liquids also wend their way to an ultimate destination. Locked knees and bugged out eyes are signs that hysteria is imminent and that a safety zone needs to be enforced for the protection of all.

If you do not appear on this list, then you need to check “Other” on the list below. If you do appear on this list, then therapy (or canonization) is probably available (but you will have to fill out forms and wait in line to get it). If you recognize yourself here, ‘fess up and tell us which you are. Check off your character on the poll.

I am a Zen Master ‒ I can wait patiently in lines for hours and make observations‒ which is good since that is what I have spent most of yesterday and today doing.

And, hey, if you work for the post office, or a government agency dealing with the public such as Social Security, “thanks for your help”. I know you guys don’t hear it enough, but everyone I dealt with was friendly, courteous and knowledgeable. You guys do good work.

ArgosPlumyKooky 46F
3902 posts
3/2/2006 6:38 pm

lol- very worthy of the repost! lines everywhere have gotten out of control. i am running into simliar things at walgreens and the grocery store now. i'm not telling what kind of line stander i am let's just say there are always better things i could be doing.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
3/2/2006 8:36 pm

snatch, perhaps you are a Walter Mitty, daydreaming away about all the good works you could be doing.

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