Safety Helmet Required By Law  

Fallic40 54M
3214 posts
1/26/2006 12:21 pm
Safety Helmet Required By Law

I have to admit that I find sex toys fascinating. Not so much in a sexy way, but more in the same way that I find fishing lures and model kits fascinating. I see all the pretty boxes, and shiny, vibrating colorful things that are designed to entice one to buy. What can I say? It’s the Irish gyppo blood in me ‒ a magpie gene.

I suppose my parallel between sex toys and fishing lures is quite apropos since a lot of the sex items look like, feel like and probably smell like some of the bass lures I’ve seen. In fact, I wonder if anyone has ever landed a 10lb bass on a shiny metallic purple dildo with a pair of treble hooks attached. And, I imagine, just like fishing lures, 99% of the toys are designed to capture the buyers fancy rather than just capture the moment.

Now I am a complete rube when it comes to sex toys. I have never owned one. In fact, I have never even touched one. I have been, very briefly, into a sex toy shop and was completely overwhelmed into a Hugh Grantish stammering manner. Therefore, the answer has to be on-line. So I let the fingers do the walking and surveyed the results.

The site I went onto divided men’s toys into 5 classes: cock rings, pumps, extensions, realistic vaginas, and blow-up dolls. Since I am still in self-exploration mode, I figured that I could discount penis extensions and cock rings. (I did sneak a peek at the cock rings and decided that I could put most of these in the same class as plastic worms for bass fishing.) Some of them even looked like the little pellet caps that went into my genuine wild west sheriff's revolver that I got with my cowboy set when I was seven years old.

The first thing I noticed was that dildos and vibrators were deemed as women’s sex toys, and not listed with the items listed above; which is understandable. Now since I have been following along with Safira and Shay’s adventures with "analizing" men, I would have to put myself into the curious category on these particular items. Then I realized that if I cannot pat my own head and rub my stomach at the same time, then using a vibrator on myself while masturbating probably was not going to work.

So I took a long hard look at penis pumps. What I was looking at looked suspiciously like my electric cookie shooter with the motor reversed. I found myself looking for the little cookie shapers to fit on the end to make valentine sugar cookies for all of the ladies out there. Another pump that I looked at would have worked very well for cleaning out the gravel in my fish tanks. So, I decided that something more was needed.

I went to the “realistic” vaginas section and perused the assortment of high quality Hong Kong, and Shanghai, made merchandise that looked nothing like any real vagina I had ever seen. Of course I have never had sex with a plastic mannequin (unless the ex-wife qualifies). Products from The Heroes of the Revolution Plastic Pussy Plant #7 such as The Sally the Slut, Cherry Twat and Luscious Lips all seemed interesting but hardly satisfying. Now a Cherry Twat would be really satisfying if it was a pastry rather than a sex toy. “Yes waiter, I would like a double latte and one of those rather tasty looking cherry twats please”. To be honest, I think a set of chattering teeth from a joke shop could probably do as good a job as what I was looking at. The chattering teeth would definitely provide a better blow job than the ex-wife ever did.

This left the blow up dolls. Now these looked like fun. These looked like real fun. But they really did not look like sexy fun. What would be fun would be to take one of these up to the tubing area at Ski Bowl on Mt. Hood. You could grasp a titty in each hand and mount the doll much like a Suzuki 750 and ride the powder all the way down the slope. I would recommend a helmet ‒ no point in going all Sonny Bono while doing this.

I checked out several other sites to no avail. Everything was packaged very nicely and always featured words like “realistic’, “genuine” and “like real”. If anything, the packages would provide better masturbatory material than the product itself. Overall, I would have to say that toy shopping was a big disappointment. Much like when I go fishing, I think I am going to have to stay with live bait.


I have to admit that computer porno sites do nothing for me; so Sasha with your sexy sluts, Katrina and your cum-dripping sex slaves,Sarah and your sauna slags, and Bridget and your barnyard bimbos, please, I beg of you, stay out of my In-box.

tackman57 60M  
183 posts
1/26/2006 6:49 pm

Your sense of humor is priceless!!! And your take on most sex toys is right on! I do own some dildoes & vibrators (you can learn to do two things at once with a little practice & it's fun trying!) & they are worthwhile IF you get them in the proper size (becareful with buying one "made from the cock of a porn star" . . . they're HUGE & totally unusable!). Cock rings & penis pumps remind me of torture & I'm not into that! Your view of blow up dolls is almost perfect & hilarious!!! I did buy one once & found it like having sex on a floating pool raft . . . & the vinyl smell did nothing for the moment. Nope, all in all, you have it right . . . stick to the real thing!!! Thanks for the laughs!!!

impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
1/26/2006 7:36 pm

If I crack my rib while I'm laughing at you do you promise to come take care of me??? OMG...that's hysterical. ANd...I'm hearing it in the geiko's voice....

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

carebearluv2 43F

1/26/2006 7:46 pm

Fallic...I throughly enjoyed this post..thanks for the laugh. Funny you should mention Hugh Grant as you remind me of him the more I read your blog! {that's a good thing by the way}

yagottalikit 50F
583 posts
1/26/2006 10:48 pm

I recall an all girl visit to the "toy store" four of us giggling our way around....only one rather accustomed to such a store (not me). Suddenly, the woman behind the counter says, "This one is amazing!" She holds up this purple thingy with all these bells and whistles. Total silence, jaws dropped and heads tilted every which way in disbelief. None of us could afford the price of this one-simulated cock-carnival...we'll never know..........(heavy sigh)

Fun post.....enjoyed a man's take on things!

Yagotta get it soft and wet so we can kick/stick it

Fox4aKnight1 44F

1/26/2006 11:05 pm

rotfl Fallic .....damn that is too funny .........would ya mind if I shared this with a friend.......oh jeesh .......that is too funny. And if you want good toys you need to look in a high priced sex shop ....and most are still women toys lol

tillerbabe 57F

1/27/2006 3:24 am

Oh how I do love a good butt plug! LOL!

_Safira 54F
11260 posts
1/27/2006 4:55 pm

Fallic ~ I am still researching for my post "Obscure Male Sex Toys". I am SURE there is a magazine, catalogue, or a website to be found! (And you know my dirty, little secret when it cums to this topic ... so there! ) *much luhrrrve*

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.


FeistySyn 53F

1/27/2006 6:13 pm

never really thought about buying toys for men ... seems they enjoy sharing "my" toys with me enough ... maybe I am just too selfish... sigh.

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/27/2006 6:47 pm

Fox, please share away. It would seem that laughing at men's sex toys is about all they are good for.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/27/2006 6:52 pm

sexyfitwoman, I only had time to look at the toys for masturbation. I would love to look at the women's toys too. Maybe for another post?

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/27/2006 6:55 pm

tackman, the blow up doll would also be a lot of fun tied behind a boat in summer.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/27/2006 6:58 pm

imp, I am sorry about your ribs. Just imagine this as a pub conversation. I'm sitting there with a pint in front of me. Now put it into the gecko's voice.

_Safira 54F
11260 posts
1/28/2006 5:11 am

Darling Fallic ~ I'm reading Tills' and Shaye's responses ... and here's what I take away, "Don't forget a good butt plug," (in that advertisement sort of way). Yes, yes, I know. My own skewed view on reality.

By the way, Ladies ... When Fallic and I discussed my doing an "Obscure Male Sex Toys" post his immediate words to me were:

"Don't they already have them? They're called blondes."

Oh yes he d-i-i-d!

I had to give it up to him ... That was pretty frikkin' hilarious. But I imagine I'll be able to find some sort of Irish Men's Anal Flush in my research ... "Irish Spring," indeed!

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.


Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/28/2006 8:38 am

tennismaiden, I go fly fishing on the Deschutes River every year for trout. This is out in Central Oregon and is a lot of fun. It's actually much easier than people say. It's just a matter of getting the rhytmn down.

And, I am always up for bass fishing.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/28/2006 8:43 am

saf, I think what you need to be looking into is "functional" male sex toys. Much luhrrrve back.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/28/2006 3:23 pm

yagottalikit, what I really want to find is the sex toy with either a teasmade or 2 cup coffee maker attachment.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/28/2006 3:26 pm

lips, you make the forced expulsion of toy #2 into kind of a fun game - sort of like lawn darts. Shopping and playing does indeed sound like a lot of fun. Maybe what is needed is one of this little retirement home vans taking a big group of us to a sex toy store!

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/28/2006 3:28 pm

carebearluv, errrr, well yes, ummmmmm. You see, it's like, well it's kind of an orangy siliconey color annnnnnnnnnnnd it sort of fits on here and well you, ummmmm, errrrr, well you know. How's that for Hugh Grant stammering.

Take care of the knee. Get better soon.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/28/2006 3:31 pm

tiller, those legs are incredible. So that is what running up and down stairs carrying hoses gets you.

I didn't see any butt plugs listed under the men's toys. I imagine they were in with the vibrators and dildos. Yes, they would be tons of fun with a woman.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/28/2006 3:37 pm

Hi Shaye, you with a riding crop: incredibly Meme-Sahib. Very British Empire Motherish, very Camilla Parker-Bowles, mistress of the hunt (complete with hounds), severe in an upper-class kind of way.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/28/2006 3:38 pm

Feisty, I just wanted some toys of my own. Sometimes I just want the sandbox all to myself.

rm_PurryKitty2 49M/51F
9753 posts
1/29/2006 6:56 am

I love sex toys too and have a whole bag of tricks but was a little embarrassed coming through the bag check in the Dominican Republic and there was my vibrator, wires and all.

Purry {=}


papyrina 52F
21133 posts
1/29/2006 7:01 am

would you like to go shopping together and see what they feel like when used

I'm a

i'm here to stay

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/29/2006 8:24 am

papy, it looks like you have reserved yourself a seat on the bus. I think Saf will need to join us as well.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
1/29/2006 8:25 am

PurryKitty, welcome to my blog. The toys are definately tageted much more to women that men. My sister is always bragging about her vibrator or "Rodney" as she has named her man-in-a-can.

At least you weren't asked to demonstrate your vibrator and show everyone in the Dominican Republic's customs inspection department (both members) how it worked.

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