Catching A Clue, Or In My Case, A Knife  

Fallic40 54M
3214 posts
2/15/2006 9:16 pm
Catching A Clue, Or In My Case, A Knife

I suppose that in some people it is called intuition. Others get that tingling down their spine, that feeling that, as my granny used to say, someone just walked across their grave. Now me, I have a scar on the side of my left thumb that itches and inflames.

Now this particular scar is just one tiny cicatrix in a whole battalion of scars. There are (many, many) scars from soccer, scars from working sheet metal, scars from various and sundry childhood, let us say, peccadilloes (and from Catholic school), and there are scars from run of the mill, every day, household accidents. But this one particular scar is different.

It is my ex-wife radar. It is my defensive first alert. For what ever reason (actually for a particular reason) this scar is attuned to my ex-missus and never fails to step to the fore when she is on the horizon. And so it should: she is the root cause of the scar. The scar itches when she is on the phone, it swells and reddens in her presence.

It is only about a half inch long, but I think that this particular scar penetrates deep down into my soul. The kitchen knife with which she attacked me didn’t just slice the skin and flesh; it was a stab to my psyche. It was the crowning blow that convinced me that, just maybe, perhaps, this was the sign that being smacked with a 2 x 4, or punched and kicked in the balls failed to impress on me. My marriage was a joke and my relationship with my wife was a violent, and terrifying (for me) experience.

I do not even remember why she decided to pick up a carving knife and attack: I don’t even think she knows why she did it. All I remember is turning around and she was coming at me. If I hadn’t turned around the knife would have been in my back. I was able to turn the knife away with my hand. (I believe that the correct term for this martial arts block is “wax off.” This was the way of the relationship. At times she was wonderful to be around: often when other people were around too. Then she would not get her way about something and I was subjected to an adult temper tantrum.

Needless to say, this relationship has tempered my enthusiasm for other relationships. It is not that I am untrusting. It is that I am excruciatingly wary when it comes to being around women. Nine years of abuse will do that to a person. I will turn around and just walk away from anyone who shouts at me. I know that I am worth loving, but I do not know that I am worth loving ‒ if you see what I am saying.

It is now eight and a half years since I walked away from the marriage. There has been a lot of interaction between my ex-wife and I since then: but never, ever, will I allow myself to go into a room alone with her. I know that she tried to kill me once and, therefore, would do it again.

Do I think about this? I think about it daily. How badly was I hurt that afternoon? I didn’t get cut badly enough that I could not work that night after I got some stitches from the plant nurse. What do I think the end result of all of this is? I think that what bled out of me that afternoon was my ability to trust myself with anyone in a relationship. Little did I know at the time that my potential future happiness was spilling all over the floor.

moonfire2u 70F
2602 posts
2/16/2006 5:08 am

You have been damaged beyond a physical scar...and it isn't that you don't trust other is that your don't trust yourself and your judgement...all of us heal differently and at different rates but this isn't a 'normal' situation you were have been traumatized and terrorized for a number of years...have you considered maybe talking to someone professional to help you work through this...of course, you are worth loving and maybe the 'right' person would help to reaffirm your belief in yourself again.

kind thoughts,

mickdevil 52M/53F
3496 posts
2/16/2006 7:38 am

i can relate some what to what you are going thru trust is earned i have learned,but there will always be doubts no matter who your with?aslong as you dont let those emotions still control you,and by the sounds of things they still do?lets hope you dont miss out on mrs right because of them! gl

Mick & Devil FWB
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Just Living Life

rm_jayR63 60F
1884 posts
2/16/2006 8:46 am

I wish I could pin down the source of my distrust so readily.

That woman is obviously suffering from some form of mental illness. I've often wondered how it was she and not you that has primary custody of your daughters?

papyrina 52F
21133 posts
2/16/2006 11:50 am

A gentle kiss on your finger,a big tight safe hug and the wish that no man or woman ever hurts you in this way again

I'm a

i'm here to stay

carebearluv2 43F

2/16/2006 7:49 pm

Fallic, I have spent the entire day thinking about your post and my comment to it. I could easily spend this time, attempting to say something to comfort you. Hell, maybe that is something I should do, but I know this is something that has to be worked through on your own. The reason I know is because I am an abuse survivor myself.

So, instead of some comforting words, I have chosen to let you know how much this post meant to me. It is the first post that has ever moved me to tears and inspired me at the same time. I will now tell my story in hopes of it helping to heal my 13 year old wounds. For it is through our confessions that we purge the painful parts of our soul. Thank you for helping me reach this point. As unintentional as it may have been, it means more to me than you know.

tillerbabe 57F

2/17/2006 2:51 am

Sweetie..just stay away from women with sharp knives that don't know how to use them! (Like for cutting vegetables....ropes....for safety and survival!) Love you! {=}

SilkenKiera 39F  

2/17/2006 9:11 am

OMG! All I know is I myself have witnessed "normal" people pop for no real reason. It's especially scary when your the one in their way. Here's to your courage, and to hard lessons learned. I hope all works out in the end.


Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/18/2006 7:27 am

jay, the answer to your question is simple. No-one in her family would speak up about what she did so there was no corroboration for me. And since her medical records are inadmissable because of patient/doctor confidentiality, I could not use those either.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/18/2006 7:29 am

tiller, I am just glad she didn't know how to use the knife she was wielding.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/18/2006 7:34 am

carebear, my reasons for talking about what happened to me is so that other people understand that it happens and that it can be talked about. What I failed to do was talk about it at the time it happened. People do not understand that there are a lot of abused husbands out there.

I have talked about these events in my life several times in my blog now and the responses have been fantastic and thoughtful. My physical scars have healed, but the mental scars will always rear their heads. I just learned how to deal with them on a daily basis.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/18/2006 7:37 am

moonfire, you are absolutely correct. My biggest fear would be finding another woman who is just like my ex. I spent a lot of time in counselling and while this has worked in many ways, the one thing it does not do is erase events or memories.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/18/2006 7:38 am

papy, thanks for the kind words.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/18/2006 7:39 am

mickdevil, the real concern is how to define Miss Right if I thought that my wife was also Miss Right.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/18/2006 7:46 am

lips, I hope I find that ability too. My feelings on what happens now is that small things trigger "fight or flight" impulses. And since I cannot, and will not, hit a woman then my only recourse is flight.

One of the most confusing aspects of the situation I was in was the fact that I would not fight back as I had been basically brainwashed growing up to never hit a girl. I was able to protect myself defensively but I never used my physical strength. What I will always wonder is if I had done that, would the problems have stopped; or would they have escalated uncontrollably.

Knowing my ex, I think it would be the latter. As it was, the physical stuff was nothing compared to the mental stuff: she had a mouth like a straight razor.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/18/2006 7:48 am

Kiera, the problem is that my ex wasn't normal. My daughters were talking to me yesterday about how much medication she is now taking. She was diagnosed bi-polar while we were married, but she would not take her medication on a regular basis. She also liked to drink heavily.

impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
2/20/2006 1:12 pm

Fallic, darlin...though I so do understand why you have these trust issues, you must not allow her to have won that "battle". Learning to trust and open yourself up for someone to love...therein lies your ultimate victory. I know you're worthy....

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/22/2006 8:31 am

sil, thanks

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/22/2006 8:32 am

humboldthonni, that is the dichotomy of my ex-wife. There is nothing but extremes involved in dealing with her.

Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
2/22/2006 8:37 am

imp, thank you for the kind words. I have learned to avoid thinking of my life in terms of my ex and I winning various aspects of controlling my life.

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