Why don't we listen to women ?  

EbonyHnk 38M
178 posts
6/28/2006 3:58 am

Last Read:
6/28/2006 4:05 am

Why don't we listen to women ?

Husband: Hi dear, how are you?
Wife: I broke my back!
Husband: Glad to hear.
Wife: So how are the kids?
Husband: Well little Johnny was bitten by a poisonous snake, and Debbie's pregnant again.
Wife: That's swell dear, did you make the mortgage payment today?
Husband: No, I've decided to run off with the money and the neighbor's wife.
Wife: Glad to hear dear. By the way, I'm going to keep the mailman's baby.
Husband: Yes, he's a good man and always brings the mail on time

the root of the problem
It just seems that men and women will never get anything right when it comes to their relationships, not even the listening part. You see, not being able to communicate is one of the reasons why so many relationships and marriages end in failure. Not being able to listen is the other major reason why people get on each other's nerves.
A lot of times, we hear women complain that their husbands/lovers don't listen, or ignore them altogether, and most of the time, they're right. But the reality is that women are just as guilty of not listening as men are.

Unfortunately, it is human nature to speak more than listen. We -- men and women -- often think that we have more to gain by speaking rather than listening. One big advantage of speaking is that it gives you the chance to control others' thoughts and actions.

The other reason people tend to speak more than listen is the chance it provides to gain the respect and admiration of others, whereas if you remain quiet, you assume that you'll look like a worthless introvert. In life, it would seem that the key to success is the ability to speak well. But the reality is that if you want to successfully attract and convince people -- especially your spouse -- with your words, you're first going to have to listen to what they have to say.

Here are the top seven reasons why we don't listen:

1- Listening requires effort
Believe it or not, there is actually a physical effort that takes place when one individual is listening to another. The next time you're listening to your spouse, note how your heart rate increases, body temperature rises and breathing increases. Of course, if you're actually noticing all these changes, chances are that you're not really listening to what the other has to say.

Tip: In order to avoid the temptation of wandering off into your own little world, stay alert to what the person has to say and focus in on their message.

Here are the other six reasons why we space out..
2- Quick thoughts
As human beings, we are capable of understanding speech much faster than we can speak. The average person can process up to 600 words per minute while their spoken rate falls within the 125 to 150 words per minute.

Therefore, because our brains can compute the words faster than the words can be spoken, we have a lot of spare time to daydream, think about personal interests or plan a rebuttal, while the other person is blah-blahing .

Tip: Instead of trying to think of a rebuttal while your spouse is talking, use this spare time to try and understand their ideas, complaints or feedback.

3- False assumptions
My father always warned me that an assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. Oftentimes, people don't listen because they assume they know what the other person is going to say, or the subject is just too complex to understand or not important enough to listen to.

Tip: Instead of assuming that your spouse's thoughts are too obvious, simple, complex, or too unimportant to warrant special attention, you should be listening carefully.

Do not judge prematurely or evaluate others while they're still speaking. It is essential to understand your spouse's ideas before judging them. First listen and make sure you understand, and then evaluate.

4- You're preoccupied
Being wrapped up with your own personal concerns doesn't help the listening process either. Sometimes we have more pressing or more immediate concerns that prevent us from focusing on the speaker's message.

Tip: Instead of acting out of politeness and pretending to listen to your spouse, you should advise them that you have some very pressing concerns on your mind that might prevent you from listening carefully. Who knows, maybe they might listen to you for a change.

5- Too many speakers
We all lead very busy lives. Every day we listen to our wives, children, parents, siblings, friends, teachers, co-workers, media, neighbors, salespeople, and even strangers. It is impossible to effectively listen to every single message carefully. Thus, we sometimes need to let our attention wander off. Or we choose to listen selectively in order to give our full attention to important messages.

Tip: Give priority to those people whom you hold dearest and/or those that you see on a regular basis -- wife, children, family, co-workers, your boss. Leave the wandering part for when you're watching television or listening to the radio.

6- Distractions
Psychologists refer to it as external noise. The sound of a loud television set in the background, music, other people's conversations (in the background), traffic, air-conditioners, and so on can interfere with your ability to listen effectively.

Tip: If you find that you can't hear your spouse properly or you're finding it hard to focus on the message, try to reduce or eliminate the distractions: turn off the television, close the window, lower the music, or move to a quieter area.

Can you hear what she's saying?

7- Bad hearing
Sometimes it is not the person's listening ability that's the problem; it could actually be a physiological problem. Even a slight loss of hearing can avert you from effectively listening to the speaker's message.

It is a real tragedy when hearing loss goes undetected. Imagine your wife leaves you because she's frustrated and annoyed at the awful communication between the two of you? And it's not even your fault.

Tip: If you think that you or someone you know suffers from hearing loss, consult an audiologist to have him/her perform an examination. With today's medical advancements, it is often possible to treat a hearing problem once it has been diagnosed.

listen, look, ask

Once you understand all the different obstacles that might be hindering you from listening to your spouse's message, you might decide that being a good listener is impossible. Fortunately, with the right attitude, you can do a good job and make sure your relationship stays strong. Here are a few extra tips that will make your listening job a little easier:
Talk less: We have one mouth and two ears -- we should listen twice as much as we speak. If you want to better understand your spouse, you have to realize that you can't hog the stage in order to shift the focus of the conversation onto you and your thoughts. Be patient and listen carefully, your turn to talk will come soon enough.

Look for the key message: It's easy to get distracted by a long speech that fails to get to the point. If you feel that you're not paying full attention, try to focus your attention on your spouse's central idea.

Ask questions: In order to increase your understanding in a more active way, you can always ask questions once the person has finished speaking. Or better yet, you can paraphrase the message to show that you really understood the message. This gives your spouse a chance to clarify any points that you might have misinterpreted or missed altogether.

It's no secret; if you want your relationship to work, you need to learn how to communicate properly. This includes not only knowing how to express your feelings and concerns, but also how to listen to your mate.

The fact remains that if your spouse is nagging, maybe it's because she has something to tell you and since you're not listening, she's going to keep on telling you until you do.

Get it on!

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