Learning to Domme - Part II  

DragonWycke 64M
91 posts
8/30/2006 7:15 pm

Last Read:
8/30/2006 7:19 pm

Learning to Domme - Part II

Learning to Domme - Part 2

What’s in it for you?

There’s a world of difference between just playing at the role of Domme, and actually enjoying being a Domme. I hope to show you how you too, can enjoy dominance. I can describe the feelings ‒ how passionate and thrilling it can be, - but I can’t make you feel them. That you will have to discover on your own as you begin to practice domination and develop your own passion for it.

That’s what this section is about. Learning how to overcome the obstacles to your enjoyment of dominance, and developing the desire to do so. Unless there’s a desire to dominate within you, your scenes will always fall flat. Only you can unlock that desire. Not your partner, only you. You can learn about the how to’s: bondage, ways to humiliate a sub, flogging, etc. but if you don’t haven't a passion for domination, ...which can be nurtured, ...if you don’t ‘get off’ on it for yourself, it just will not work. And the truth is, some women will never enjoy it.

Now before you groan that all is lost, or secretly cheer because you think this lets you off the hook, let’s take a step back to what got you here in the first place.

Those of you who really have an interest, but aren’t sure how to go about it, or even if it’s ‘in’ you, take heart. For those of you who are only ‘doing it’ for someone, may also take heart, because I hope to show you how you may develop that side of you. You may have the capacity to dominate and enjoy it, and just don’t know it!

Why should you want to be a Domme?
Much of the research I’ve done on this subject is filled with well meaning, but misguided advice on why you should want to try domination, the so-called ‘benefits’!

Well, you can be "loved,adored and obeyed" in a vanilla relationship, so that’s not a reason to dominate. Nor is, - and this one really kills me, - telling yourself that at least your getting "free maid service"! I know several men who are ‘domestic’ and vanilla, but only a few, - although I’m sure there are certainly are a goodly number out there, I just haven’t met them, - submissive men who actually want this type of play.

Once, when I was very new in the Lifestyle, some idiot actually suggested that if I felt hesitant about dominating a guy, I should think about some male who did me wrong, and take it out on this new sub. This should never be a motivation for dominance!

Now that we got rid of those silly notions, what are we left with? We’re back to the fulfillment of a desire to dominate.

You dominate because it’s something that you enjoy; it’s erotic and fun for you and your partner.

The only thing that you really need besides a desire to try to dominate, is learn to be comfortable while pleasing and taking care of your submissive partner through domination, always making sure that your needs/wants are met first

If you aren’t comfortable, the scene probably will not work, and it won’t be any fun for you. If it’s not fun for you, then you’ll develop a reluctance instead of enthusiasm. Ditto if you don’t get your needs fulfilled. Remember, this is for mutual pleasure, so don’t shortchange yourself. If you’re comfortable, enthusiastic, and enjoying yourself in the scene, those feelings will be transmitted to your sub, greatly elevating the positive mood of the scene. Of course, the opposite is also true, if you’re not comfortable, enthusiastic, and having a great time, your sub will know, and your scene will suffer.

Preparing the foundation.
When presented in a non-threatening way, learning to Domme can be an exciting fun-filled adventure. Yes, it can. All you have to do is give it a try. And just like at BK, you can have it your way!

Unfortunately, if presented only with expectations and an agenda by the hopeful submissive, many would-be Dommes would give up, or only go through the motions, never achieving the joy of true dominance. This is the root cause of potential femdom failure.

We’ll lay the groundwork together so you can make this experience your own. Not your partner’s ideal, or some book’s version, or even mine, but dominance as you would want and enjoy it. That’s the only yardstick you need. Never compare yourself to anybody else’s.

First, and most important: The foundation for your dominance becomes flawed if you are doing what you do just to please someone else. You should want to please yourself first, and your partner, second. I’ll say this over and over, because until you understand and put this into practice, you will not succeed. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that it has to be totally pleasing to you and none for him. It could even be almost fifty-fifty, as long as you’re on top. But you need that space, for yourself, to be a successful Domme. Actually, with many submissives, the more you tip the scales in your favor, the more they derive from the play. Pleasing yourself enhances their pleasure.

Attempting to dominate doesn’t work if you feel the pressure of pleasing someone other than yourself. Your actions should be tailored to your desires, not his. NB: Of course, the Domme is responsible for her partner, his safety and his happiness, but we don’t need to go there yet. We have to get you comfortable first!

How did this quest for female dominance on your part, start? Those of you without a partner at this time please take note. You may need this advice in the future. Unless you’re exploring your dominant side on your own, most women who are reading this are here because someone asked it of them.

With the asking, came expectations. With the expectations, came pressure on you.

He drops a bomb on you: Your man did not wake up one day and say, "Gee, I think I’d like to be dominated... would you, honey?" Or maybe he did! Guys let the little head do the thinking for the big head, never forget. He has probably been thinking about it for quite some time, and has lots of ‘ideas’ for you, and expects you to do it, even if you’ve never shown any interest or inclination for dominance. You may have been aware of his interest in the lifestyle, but I’ve also heard of guys springing it on their unknowing vanilla girlfriends. However it came up, you have probably been presented with an agenda, or at least some expectations, if not a full scale "wish list"! Whether this was overwhelming to you or you took it in stride, he has set up a huge potential for failure:

If you feel pressured to please your mate, and if you are mainly seeking his approval, you have already failed, because the roles have been reversed. He’s the dominant, and you are just a vessel through which he orchestrates his fantasies. Does this make you unhappy? Well, what are we going to do about it?

Let’s get rid of all that pressure, first. So, you have my permission to take that pressure you are carrying around and chuck it! Go ahead. Do it. It may be necessary to write it down: - X pressures me because he wants me to ... - X pressures me because he has this fantasy... - X pressures me because he bought this toy and ... - X pressures me because I don’t ‘get’ this whole leather thing, I feel insecure, I don’t know what I’m doing...

Right now before you read another word!

Done? Good! Now throw it out. Do you feel any better? Well, maybe a little?

Of course we both know you didn’t throw the problem out, but we need to recognize and get rid of the feelings of pressure, insecurity, and the fear of failure before we can go on. We’ll deal with ‘problem’ next!

Making a start
What are we working with? Take a look at the types of submissives. Which category does your partner fit into? Hopefully, it’s number one. The other two are difficult enough, never mind for beginners. In any case, my advice for a ‘start’ of your domination experience will be the same.

Types of Submissives

Your partner will probably fall into one of three broad categories, which range from easy-to-please to extremely difficult.

1. Men who get off on the woman enjoying her Domme role. He may need to know that you are at least enjoying it at some level, all the way up to feeling that you actually thrive on it. These, of course, are my favorites. They are the easiest to handle because they usually don’t have a lot of agendas. They are the purest form of submissives, for unlike the next two types, they are uncorrupted by highly specific self-interest. These men are pleased and aroused to their satisfaction merely by being subjected to the power and control exerted by the Domme. Strong self-confidence and sternness are all they need to have a good experience. Take every opportunity to assert yourself both physically and verbally, however trivial, smile and relish your control over him, and the interaction will snowball into a great scene for both of you.

2. The hardcore submissive with very specific fetishes. He doesn’t care how ‘into it’ you are. Any woman who has learned the techniques and can role play, that is act out a fantasy for him, is good for him. His overwhelming need is to have his fantasies performed according to his script, but he is not so concerned with being made to feel submissive. Unless your interests dovetail nicely with his, I doubt you’ll get much, if any, pleasure out of this relationship.

3. Very specific fetishes, and a high need for dominance. As above, someone who is armed with a very specific "to-do list" of fetishes is not really being submissive at all. Unless he can be a little more flexible, and most times, he can’t, this guy is going to have a hard time finding his ‘ideal’ partner, since he also wants to possess a high drive for making him feel submissive. You can’t ‘make’ someone do what you want, and then expect them to be dominant. Something’s got to give.

Here we go. Don’t worry, and put away the rope, the floggers and the leather outfit. We won’t need them for a while. We are going to start slow and easy.

Your first step towards dominance is freeing yourself from pressure, especially as regards any expectations he may have. You need time to develop your dominance in your own way and become comfortable with it. You can’t accomplish that if he’s got a list in your face, and expectation on his. To begin with, we need to get you some breathing space!

So, tell him that his first act of submission will be to give you the space you need: - For one month, he will not bring up the subject of dominance, or play, or any of his fantasies. - No whining or begging. - He will not only not bring it up, he will put all his toys away in a locked box, and give you the key. - He will stay out of chat rooms, and not ‘play’ with anyone else, online or off, if he has been doing these things.

If he had prepared a ‘wish list’, figuratively throw it out. Forget everything he’s told you he wanted you to do to him, for now. (But save it for much later, when you’ll want to spring something outrageous on him, and you’ll be totally justified in surprising him, because HE ASKED FOR IT.) This is a new beginning.

If he wants to be dominated, it begins here and now, with you and according to you. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?

You’re on a roll

He may be wondering at this point what he started, and a little worried about what he is getting into. He’s being dominated, just not the way he may have envisioned.

Can it be fair to throw out all his fantasies and impose such harsh restraints on him just because you’ve agreed to try domination? You bet it can! The time for negotiations and discussions about fantasies, likes and needs will come later. And just so you don’t get all tense again: Just listening to him doesn’t mean you are agreeing to anything. But he must give you the time and space you need right now.

If you are going to dominate him, he must realize a few things: - He must let you do it your way. - He must allow you to find your own passion for dominance. - He must encourage it, nurture it, help it grow. - He must realize that you’re never going to be comfortable if he has a list in your face.

If he doesn’t want to go along with this, if you're dealing with either number two or number three from our list, ask him if he’d rather go back to the way things were, when you had no interest in domination. Does he want that, and will he accept that without complaint? Does he really just want some fetish play, with little or no domination, or at best, with you trying to fake it? While he may say he desires that you enjoy dominance, if he has a greater need for his fetishes to be met, then you should sit down and have a long talk. Be clear about what each of you want and need. And what you are willing to do. Perhaps you should just learn what you need in terms of skill for his particular "thing", and work out an agreement according to frequency that you’ll accommodate him. I’m a little prejudiced on this. He should never have brought dominance up if he really didn't want it, or only wanted it on 'his terms'. It seems a real shame not to pursue your exploration of dominance, however.

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