Learning to Domme - Part I  

DragonWycke 64M
91 posts
8/30/2006 6:19 pm
Learning to Domme - Part I

Learning to Domme
Learning to Domme
For women who are interested in learning about domination

Are you a novice, with dominant leanings and just need some direction? Are you either vanilla, or a bottom, and here because you want to please your partner, because he has asked you to dominate him? I hope with this, and other related articles, to show you a way to explore and define your dominant style.

What’s your style?
Not all Dommes are tall, aggressive women dressed in leather and heels, with a whip hanging from their belts. Far from it. Certainly, there’s a lot to be gained from ‘dressing the part’. You set immediate expectations based on the look. But if that’s not ‘you’, don’t worry.

Attitude is everything.
Domination is not about what you wear, but how you act, or carry yourself. So, first and foremost, you need to be confident, caring and understanding. You need to be in control of yourself. A Domme never needs to raise her voice and never reacts with anger toward her sub during play. She is open-minded and listens to her submissive. She cherishes the gift of submission he has given her. And she does not demand respect, she earns it. A certain amount of intelligence and creativity helps. (I can’t do anything about the first, but I’ll give you some ideas for the second.)

Some women may feel overwhelmed at the thought of being the "Domme". Does it mean you must control everything, do everything, make all the choices from now on? No, actually, all you really need to do is please yourself. So, relax. This is supposed to be fun! There is no need to feel ‘rushed’ or pressured especially into a D/s relationship or to even start using bondage or whips or the like, if you are not doing it already. You set the pace you are comfortable with.

Let’s just concern ourselves with getting into the ‘head space’ to begin with. The next section will focus on what you, as a Domme, get out of all this

Control, devotion, willingness to serve
What should you expect from someone who wants to be dominated? The essence of D/s play, whether it’s just brief periods of play right up to 24/7 relationships, is Power Exchange. The submissive relinquishes control to the Dominant for the erotic enhancement of them both. As the Domme assumes control over the sub, which may be sexual or not, she expects a certain amount of willingness to serve and devoted attention. Always remember, your responsibility to your sub is in direct proportion the amount of control he relinquishes to you. But we are not going there yet, so don't worry.

You may already be using some facets of domination in your life, in ordinary, non-kinky ways. For example, you wanted your guy to do a chore for you. Maybe it’s not convenient, or he’s tired, but he does it anyway, for you, because you asked. He's showing his devotion to you. You’ve planned a party and he promised to help by vacuuming. You call and remind him of his promise to come home straight from work, and he rushes over to do it. That’s willingness to serve! Or have you realized, during sex, that you can control how soon or when he can have an orgasm? Did you act on this thought? If you got a charge out of this, you are on your way! Do you get a thrill from the way he looks at you when you are dressed really hot, maybe those shoes that feed a fetish of his? You can just see he's putty in your hands. Did you feel the power you had over him at that moment?

These are all very pleasurable feelings that stir some powerful emotions. If you have experiences where you felt like this, and liked it, you are already on your way. So, if you enjoy these activities and the feelings that accompany them, build on them. Incorporate them more and more into your relationship. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Don't be rushed

I ‘topped’ long before I started to ‘dominate’, in the Lifestyle. I was pretty much dominant all my life, but I held back at first, while I concentrated on honing my skills with the toys I wanted to use. Actually, while you’re learning, you can use your position as Domme to ‘cover’ lots of things. For instance, if those heels you wore for ‘effect’, are killing you, put a blindfold on him, and take the shoes off! If you are already in the scene, continue, and I’ll show you how you can easily add some domination to your play.

For those of you with a partner who’s looking for you to dominate him, tell him, even though you think he should already know, how these things feel to you. Guys, for all their bravado, are just as insecure about some things as we are, Ladies. They need to hear it out loud. They also need reassurance, not only that you are enjoying and developing your dominant role, but that you enjoy doing it for and to, them. The most important thing they need is honesty from you. You must never make him feel that you are getting off on the power, and he’s just tool at your disposal. Unless that’s what he’s looking for in the scene, and it’s what turns him on. In that case, you’re getting off on the power and control is exactly what he’s looking for. You may 'act' like this during play, but make sure he knows afterwards that you value him as a person. Never make him feel that you don’t respect him after he’s poured out his fantasies to you. It may have taken a lot of courage for him to be open and share them with you. Even if his fantasies and desires turn you off, (and we can work with this later - Listening is not agreeing, as I always say!) appreciate the sharing for the gift that it is.

So, don’t let him rush you. Measure your success at domination by how it makes you feel. That's the only yardstick you need! Your pleasure comes first! The more you enjoy what you’re doing, the better you will be at it, and then you’ll both have more fun! Take it as slowly as you want, as long as you're not standing perfectly still! Remind him, if he’s ‘mister impatient’, that this too, is part of "your" way of dominating. If he continues to pressure you just tell him, "Down, boy!" After all, you are now running the show! It is perfectly alright for you to set ‘limits’ on this behavior.

For Tops
For those of you who are already topping, learn to add some dominance to your play. Negotiate your play and safewords beforehand, as usual. Then yes, you should stick to what you agreed on, but nowhere is it written how you will go about it!

So, start the scene by asking him, does he really want to play? Of course he does! But make him request it in a manner that is satisfying to you. Whether this is on his knees, or just with his head bowed in a respectful manner, you decide, and do not proceed until you are satisfied with his ‘performance’! If you’re at a play party, you might even prolong it, by asking another Domme if she thinks he really sounds ‘sincere’ and ‘respectful enough’. If he’s looking for domination, he’s getting it. It just may not be what he had in mind! I started with a simple ritual: my 'sub' merely had to stand before me, with palms up to show or offer his submission. As my confidence grew, the ritual has become more complex, and more satisfying!

After taking into consideration the physical and psychological limits of your partner, the essence of good play is doing those things that you know he/she will accept, but may not necessarily ask for.

Don’t allow him to ‘top from the bottom’

Topping from the bottom means the submissive is attempting to take control or direct the play according to their wants and desires. An example of this would be: If he decides to get 'bratty', in hopes that you’ll give him a more 'severe' flogging. Don’t do it, unless this is what you want to do, that is, it's part of the roles you both play and enjoy!

In my early days, I played with a sub who would do as I asked, but not what I wanted. He taught me, among other things, to be specific. For instance, if I said, "Get undressed and lie on the bed", he would strip down to his underpants, and then lie across the bed, sideways! Not exactly the position I ‘envisioned’.

BTW, you can learn a lot from an experienced sub! They make the best teachers. I used to have coffee regularly on the weekends with a long time sub who would teach me about ‘Domme -ing’, in exchange for makeup tips and requiring that he paint his toenails any color I chose and be made to wear woman’s panties during his visit.

For Tops
This is your scene! Do not allow control to slip away from you. For example, you could tell him the ‘punishment’ for being bratty is that now he will have to ‘wait’ for his flogging. And then do it! Make him wait. It doesn’t have to be a long time, say five minutes, by the clock. Another idea, while waiting during the ‘penalty’, is to tease him. Tweak his nipples or run your nails over him, telling him he brought this on himself. Or make him say he’s sorry, but add a twist. Don’t let him use any personal pronouns while he does it. ‘Correct’ any mistakes, and make him start over. This should put him in his place. You’d be surprised at the effect this will have on him! You will be heightening his anticipation of what’s to come, while asserting your role as Domme! And you’ve hardly lifted a finger yet. Don't forget though, this is for the mutual pleasure of both of you. Most often, if you are getting pleasure out of what you are doing, your 'sub' will enjoy it more!

And if you’re receiving some kind of service (oral sex or whatever) don’t get so entranced (enthralled) that you forget that you’re the Domme, and fail to continue to assert your authority. That’s how a bratty sub can take over control of a scene, and one way a "quick-switch" will turn the tables.

This last paragraph was written by my own 'bratty sub' who loves to remind me of my early foibles!

For novices
If you are doing this to please your partner, but not into using any BDSM techniques yet, you still need to heed the above. Do not let your partner steal control from you, and tell you what to do, or come to you with a ‘wish list’ that he clearly wants you to fulfill. (More on finding out his fantasies and choosing which you’ll accommodate, later.) If you are doing this to please someone, the next section is especially important, because the only person you need to please is yourself!


For now, most of all, you will need clear communication of what you are willing to do, what you expect of him, what he likes, and what some of his fantasies are. I cannot stress this enough. Communicate, communicate, communicate! Just because you listen doesn’t mean you will do any of these things, or even when. Remember you, not he, gets to choose what will happen in a scene. We will go into details in later sections. This communication should take place completely out of scene, except in matters pertaining to safety. If he has anything to add, he must wait until your next talk. Say after breakfast on Saturday morning, or after dinner on some night that you are not planning on play.

Bringing up desires or fantasies during play, should not be allowed or tolerated. You must be firm on this, or it weakens your position.

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