Out with the old, in with the new  

DoneHurtEnough 54M
9 posts
1/1/2006 9:20 am

Last Read:
10/21/2008 5:28 pm

Out with the old, in with the new

Another year gone, a time for reflection, time to take stock, perform some checks and balances, and close off last years account, in doing so write off any losses and start the new year in a positive frame of mind with a view to the future, and barely a casual glance over my shoulder at the past.

Analysis of the year gone by highlights as many negatives as positives, the positives would have outweighed the negatives had it not been for one major loss, one which will be felt for a long time to come, but overall the year ended with a positive trend for the future.

If I compare the start of the year this year with the start of the year just gone, I most certainly begin it on a more positive note.
My life has more focus, and after a few years of relative inactivity (through choice) on the work front I was convinced by some previous colleagues to bring my talents back to the workplace, and aside from aiding my renewed focus on life it has rekindled my love of the "good life" to which I had been accustomed to previously.
My darling daughter grows closer to me every day, the all encomapssing joy that can be felt from something as simple as hearing her laugh, or from catching her looking at you with adoration in her eyes, is both priceless and impossible to express adequatly in words (only those who are likewise as fortunate as I in being a parent can even begin to understand the true meaning of my words, and that isn't intended to be some form of parental aloofness, it is merely an unadulterated and unquestionable fact. Those of you who have yet to be fortunate enough to experience parenthood will understand these sentiments fully upon your entry into it, so please with hold your judgement until such time as you have experienced both sides of that same coin).
The depression that encompassed me at the begining of last year is all but gone, my interaction with others has flourished as the year went by (depression tends to give one tunnel vision, leaving you feeling that surely only the really close people currently in your life can be the only ones that want to care about you) and in doing so I have revelled in the fact that there are many people out there that truly do care about me as an individual, a care which can only evolve when the feeling is mutual, for to receive you must likewise have a desire to give.

So given the positives detailed above why do I still feel the need to cast a glance back over my shoulder at the year just passed as I move into the blank canvas of the year to come ?
Is it because in a balanced life we must never forget that you have to accept that for every beautiful flower that grows that first a little rain must fall, or that in life we must take the rough with the smooth and we need to remind ourselves of this fact so that when the rough innevitably occurs it doesn't come at us out of left field somewhere, or is it because to continue and grow we must learn from our mistakes to prevent us from making them again?

What have I learned of myself and others as I glance over my shoulder ?
I realise that as I prosper I become a little more materialistic, and this is a trait I must keep in check, as when I was in a position where I was unable to be as materialistic I appreciated the simple things in life one hell of a lot more, and it is these simple things through which we gain the most enjoyment, and to lose sight of this would be to my ultimate detriment, and make me the type of person who I abhore.
For all the love I feel from my daughter both now and hopefully for many years to come I must not lose sight of the love my father had for me, and I for him, that was sadly taken away from me when he passed over only 3 weeks ago. A reminder to me of the fragility of life, but at the same time I realise that the love that I felt never goes away it just becomes less visible. Once a heart has been touched it is indellibly marked for all eternity.
So allowing for the fact that I have identified the above as negatives from last year upon review I have analysed them and can now take them into this year to come as positives, so is there any red ink from the balancesheet of my life from last year that I need to carry forward into the debit column for my 2006 ledger? ......... Yes.

The one abiding negative that I cannot write off from last years balance sheet is the lack of trust I can now allow myself to give others, my inability now to offer as much blind respect I used to give to those whom I believed when they told me "we are your friend, trust in us", the dawning that neutrality cannot be maintained when only one side of a story ever gets told, and the realistaion that friendships never existed if they can be lost by those who choose to make unbalanced judgements, whatever happened to "the right to defend ones self", whatever happened to the premise "innocent until proven guilty", but worse than any of that is the feeling of disrespect that is felt when individuals you believed were your friends could so readily believe the worst in you without even having the common decency to find out the truth for themselves, or even to have the good grace to distance themselves from both parties and maintain their neutrality and only make judgements based on facts known by them and for those facts to be a frank and FULL account of the truth.
So can I take any positives from this into 2006 ? ....... Yes, because I have learnt from my mistake, and will never trust anyone fully ever again (sure, it means that I will undoubtedly be the poorer for that, but at least to live a little is better than never to live again), and there were other individuals who likewise professed to be my friend who still are, and for that I am thankful, as in doing so they have proven their friendship rather than merely utter hollow words, and these beautiful friends are the positives I will take with me as credits onto this years new balance sheet.

To any that have made it this far in reading the ramblings of my mind I can but say sorry for puting you through that, and thank you for doing so.
A blog is after all an individuals way of jotting their thoughts down, and in doing so perhaps achieve closure and help them move forwards, but it is nice to think that others may in some small way be able to gain from reading it and help them in their way forward.

I wish the new year brings everyone good health, and prosperity, for both them and their loved ones, and hope that by the end of 2006 they find themselves in a position where they have to carry forward many credit column entries onto their 2007 balance sheet.

eroticleesa 53F

2/21/2006 3:39 pm


You need to write more. You do it so eloquently.
I just want to hug you. I'm sorry to hear about
your father..I do know what you are going
through...but he will always be with you.

Yes, trust is a hard thing to allow once that bond
has been broken...personal experience with that

Will be keeping you on my watched list, hope
to hear more from you.


eroticleesa 53F

4/6/2006 7:45 pm

You are welcome. Still waiting for more though.
I think you expressed yourself quite nicely, not

Visit me in brawl sometime... cuz I keep missing


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