I gave Denis Leary the night off.  

15 posts
5/31/2006 7:00 pm

Last Read:
5/31/2006 7:00 pm

I gave Denis Leary the night off.

This is a rant. You've been warned.

I'm sick and tired of reading the profiles that tell me how nice I have to be.

Let me tell you, being nice does not equate to getting laid.

"Here, let me get the door for you."
"Aww. That's a cute puppy."
"Listen, I'm here if you need someone to talk to."
"I can make you some chicken soup if you're not feeling well."


Your profiles need to say
"Pretend you are nice, and fuck me like the whore I am.. or will pretend to be." With a bunch of growling and teeth gnashing on the voice over.

On the flip side, there are those girls who say, "I want A REAL MAN" "I want it AGGRESSIVE".. then when I send her a picture of my throbbing penis (which is HUGE, by the way, what the hell!), she's like

"Can you tell me more about yourself?"
Yea, I'm a priest in the bedroom because I'll make you see God when you cum.


I'm OVER it!

Give me the bad girl. Right here. Right now.

I want a girl with more tattoos than an African tribal princess. I want her to have so many piercings, she has to use WD-40 for lubricant. I want her to scream so loud, the SPCA sends the dogcather out with twelve vans full of cages, and my face is seen on "America's Most Wanted" for attempted murder.

And she can't come alone. She has to have six horny friends, who listen to nothing but music with words you can't understand and a lifetime membership to Sally's Beauty supply. At Sally's every clerk knows them by name, because they change their hair color hourly.

I want a rebel woman, hell yes. I want a girl who toilet paper's the mayor's house, and then gets so turned on, she beats on my door at 4 in the morning because she wants to ride me RIGHT NOW.

I want a girl who is such a bad ass, that when she sees another girl checking me out - she grabs me by the arm, drags me over to the girl, pulls me by the back of my head with one hand, sticks her tongue down my throat, and then BACKHANDS the offending girl with her free hand.

Ten minutes later, the three of us are fucking like bunnies.

Oh, man. I want a girl who knows that the library is the place to hide your ISP address, not the location of demographic reports and non fiction auto biographies of dead suicidal poets.

I want a girl who will gladly tell my father that I can fuck like a champion, and as soon as we pull out of the driveway, she's going to have her hands down my pants. She will announce to the family that WE will be IN THE BATHROOM, and that the door will NOT be locked, SO DO NOT COME IN, unless you want a free show.

A bad girl. A girl who told Playboy they were sissies, and is holding out for the Hustler cover.

A fine ass bad girl. Not the stripper, but the one who teaches the newbie stripper class!

And if she isn't fine? That's okay. She's got so many tat's and piercings, you can't really tell. But, she's not stupid, hell no. She says the Times is too conservative, and the Tribune is too Liberal, and gets her information from AP directly - this information she'll gladly spout off the first time someone tells her she's a punk. THEN she'll slap him.

She won't let me break up her fights, but she'll fuck me senseless when I try, her way of apologizing for blacking my eye.

What the hell.

What is the great big mystery?

We're all here for one reason or the other. Why the charades, why the lies, why the bullshit.

Just find me one girl who knows what she wants, and has the power to get it, and I'll be a happy man. As long as it's me.

Have a good night.

~ Bill, Coyote.

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