CantonOhCouple 61M/61F
370 posts
9/27/2005 7:30 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm


The following is a reprint of an article published in the AdultFriendFinder magazine (and elsewhere), while we were waiting to find our first date as a couple. I wrote, inspired one morning, thinking about the differences between men and women and their attitudes towards sex. When I showed it to my wife, her comment was: “aren’t you being a little hard on men?” Not really, I thought, its all in fun. “Are you sure?” she asked.

Undeterred, I posted the article, hoping that people would see the humor in poking fun at my sex. Read the article, then I’ll share the “rest of the story”.

In the game of life, we encounter mysteries that have no easy answers. No simple explanations. Some things simply defy logic.

Females mammals (you remember, hairy animals with tits) exhibit cyclic patterns of sexual readiness, known as estrus (a regular period of sexual excitement during which the animal seeks to mate.) In most large mammals, the cycle is yearly. Males are said to be “in rut” for the period immediately before and during estrus, which may be triggered by pheromones (scents) or by visual stimuli. However, in the case of humans, women are continuously “in estrus” beginning at the age of menarche (the first time that a girl or young woman menstruates) which can be as young as 12, until death.

Why? What can inquiring minds infer from this set of facts?

A. Women are always horny.
B. The odds of finding a good man are so low that she needs to be ready to fuck at a moment’s notice.

Many, if not most women are, or are capable of multiple orgasms during a single sexual encounter, which can extend for several hours. Sadly, most men are capable of at most a single orgasm per sexual encounter. And, in two thirds of the cases, men will experience orgasm within two minutes of initial penetration. To add insult to injury, orgasm in men stimulates a chemical which causes drowsiness and sleep. This explains why he rolls over and begins to snore immediately following his 120 second marathon.

What can we infer from this set of facts?

A. Nature intended for woman to be loved and nurtured by a stable of studs.
B. One third of women are happy.
C. Two thirds are pissed.

In women, the average length of the vagina is 4 inches. Don’t believe me? Look it up. In men, the average length of the aroused “8 inch hard cock” is actually 6 inches. Yes, there are 8” cocks (rare), but there are as many (or more) 4” cocks (and shorter!), but I digress.

Why? Nature is never without purpose. Is it?

A. The extra inches ensure the satisfaction of their partners.
B. Damned if I know.

Women deliver on average, a single egg to the uterus per lunar cycle. The corresponding gamete (a specialized male or female cell) in men is the sperm cell. In a single ejaculation, a man will produce and deliver several million sperm cells.

Why this odd disparity in reproductive arithmetic?

A. The competition of the sperm cells to penetrate the egg acts as a Darwinian process of selection, a sort of survival of the fittest.
B. The chances of a guy getting laid are so slim; he HAS to score on the first try.

Men reach their peak of sexual desire in the late teens or early twenties. Women, while emotionally mature much earlier then men, don’t reach their sexual peak until their forties. This means that just as the man’s desire for sex is drooping sharply, her desire and expectations are just beginning to reach their climax.

Why? Inquiring minds can only speculate. Is it?

A. As a woman’s reproductive years draw to a close, her interest in sex increases in order to allow for one more chance to hit the lottery.
B. Payback.

In many primates, the primary visual sexual stimulus is the ass, which explains the rather large asses on female baboons. During estrus (we’ve talked about this, I won’t define it again), the ass of the female baboon becomes exceedingly, shall we way, colorful. Except perhaps in the case of homosexuals, human males are aroused by any number of stimuli. Hair, eyes, the shape of the ear, lips, neck, ass, calves, and ankles are all visual cues, but breasts are by far, the primary signal of female fecundity (the ability to produce offspring), especially the relative ratio of breasts to waist to hips.

What are we think of these facts?

A. Well, it explains rouge and lipstick.
B. Isn’t there anything that won’t turn a man on?
C. Gay men must be lactose intolerant.

Speaking of breasts, in mammals the number of teats (nipples) is directly related to the average size of the litter, i.e. the number of babies born at one time. In those rare cases where there are more babies than teats, one or more of the infants starve, or the female actually expresses additional teats (neat trick). Makes sense, four teats, four babies, six teats, six babies. However, in human females the litter size is one.

Why two breasts?

A. The second breast is nature’s way of providing backup for the rare cases of twinning.
B. Men are such pigs.

Actually, the odds are stacked against women. Consider these facts. Fifty two females are born for every forty eight males. Allow for the substantially higher mortality rate in males. Scratch off the disproportionate number of men who are locked away and therefore can’t cuddle. Subtract the percentage of men who suffer from erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or the surprisingly high percentage of men who can’t muster 4 inches. If she's picky, deduct for bad teeth, bad breath and bad hygiene. Then, while lesbianism is relatively rare in women (or so we're told), the percentage of men who are gay has been estimated to be as high as ten percent!

From these facts we can only infer:

A. There are a lot of lonely frustrated women.
B. Perk up guys, you might get laid if you live long enough.
C. The odds of finding a good man are so low that she needs to be ready to fuck at a moment’s notice.

Life’s mysteries. Inquiring minds. What do YOU think?

Finished? Great. Now for the rest of the story.

After posting the article, two things happened.

One, we got hate mail. Guess it wasn’t that funny. But it was a nice break from shopping for a few good men. But was IS funny is that all of the people we offended assumed that she had written the article. Not true.

Two, we got a real honest to god email sent to our “official” super-secret e-mail address announcing that the article had been selected for publication! I was ecstatic. Honey, I announced, “We’ve been published!”

On Lesbians dot com.

I guess it all depends upon your point of view.

rm_mwm34 49M

9/28/2005 3:52 am

Not only did God punish man for taking the temptation from Eve(a.k.a. Adam's apple), he also punished him by having all the pressure of a sexual encounter put on the man to "perform" and please his partner. Not our choice guys, just life!
Also, when a woman goes out, she always knows if she's going to get laid. A guy never knows, sometimes he just gets "lucky"
So, I am not offended by the article, to make light of it is entertaining.

OhioNiceGuy1122 66M
21 posts
9/29/2005 5:32 am

To the Mrs. ...

Hard on guys, but then again, we should all be able to laugh at ourselves once in a while! Good, funny stuff!

bigjake142 63M

10/11/2005 3:12 pm

Eloquent and entertaining! What a talented writer. Put this skill to work, I'll bet you can make money writing.

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