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3/22/2006 12:32 pm

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Entry for March 10, 2006
New Sex Rule #3 Old rule: Fantasies belong in your head.

New rule: Sharing fantasies can be a great way to connect with your partner in and out of the bedroom.

It used to be that naughty thoughts were kept tightly locked in the mental vault. "People worry about being judged: Am I normal? Is she going to think I'm a freak?" Kerner says. But sharing fantasies can fuel your libido and open both of you up to trying new ideas. "Plus, it's an excellent way to create real intimacy and trust," says Patti Britton, Ph.D., certified sex educator and coauthor of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sensual Massage.

Putting your secret desires out there can be scary no matter how close you are to your partner, so Kerner recommends starting out by reading and looking at erotica together and talking about what turns you on or turns you off. "Once you're comfortable discussing your turn-ons through other people's fantasies, then you can begin to explore your own," he says. If you don't feel comfortable describing a specific scene, try talking about sexy sensations: the feel of his strong hands on your body, his warm breath on your neck, the enveloping mild breeze on your last beach vacation that made you feel relaxed and sensual. "We're programmed to think fantasizing means hitting 'play' on some hot scene like the pizza delivery boy and the oversexed housewife," says Britton. "But women are kinesthetic, meaning that touch, sounds and memories can also bring about sexual associations."

"I was scared to suggest we share our secret sexual thoughts," recalls Christine, 34. "I didn't have those racy scenarios of dirty doctor and innocent nurse or the lusty librarian, and it made me feel so tame. One night, though, I started dreamily saying to my husband, 'Wouldn't it be so nice if we were in a cabana on some tropical island...' and he picked it up with something like, '...and our skin is so warm and toasty and I kiss you under the sun.' We both added lines to the tale, creating the most sensual, sexy story, that it got us both fired up." Kerner notes that sharing fantasies doesn't necessarily mean turning them into a reality. "Should you dress up and role-play? Sure, that could be part of it," he says. "But that shouldn't be the goal. It's really about recognizing that the brain is a potent sex organ." So if talking about making love outside leads you to try it, great ‑- but if not, know that merely sharing the idea will draw the two of you closer.

Friday March 10, 2006 - 04:42pm (EST) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for March 10, 2006
New Sex Rule #4 Old Rule: Sex = intercourse

New Rule: Sex can be anything ‑- hot-and-heavy kissing, stroking and caressing, and so on...

The conventional thinking is that once you finally get to do it, it seems silly to backtrack and just be happy kissing and touching. "We get this idea that 'real' sex is penetrative intercourse where you have an orgasm," says Kerner. In fact, even the term "foreplay" implies that what comes after is the main event. But these days, couples realize that sex encompasses not only intercourse but any kind of touch or talk that turns you on. "When you always gun it to the finale, you're cheating yourself out of some great sensual experiences," says Britton. "Really focusing on the journey part of passion wakes you up to the touches and moves that get you excited, and makes you feel good now, rather than simply building you up for blast-off later."

The modern principle: An orgasm is an orgasm, no matter how it comes about. "Don't fall for the idea that the best climaxes are through intercourse," says Britton. "Let yourself go totally during oral sex or manual sex and really enjoy the moment ‑- if it makes you peak, all the better." Caressing and oral sex aren't the only ways to get there ‑- don't be shy about using his body to help you orgasm, whether it's his penis, hands, even his hip or knee. "Men love it when women take from them that way," says Kerner.

"Sometimes my husband and I keep our underwear on for a long time during foreplay, and I get so into it that I feel like I'm going to peak," says Kelly, 26. "I used to fight it so I could orgasm during sex. Now I go with it. Why stop an orgasm? Peaking early gives me time to cool off so I sometimes have another one during intercourse. And my husband's so excited when I come, he never wants me to wait for him!"

Friday March 10, 2006 - 04:41pm (EST) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for March 10, 2006

New Sex Rule #5 Old rule: Both partners should be equally active in bed.

New rule: It's okay to relinquish all control sometimes ‑- or to totally take over.

Yes, both of you should be getting equal satisfaction from your sex life, and, yes, men love it when you take an active role in your own pleasure. But that doesn't mean that every time you make love it has to be exactly 50/50. After all, sometimes one of you is just too beat or burned-out to have the energy for a night of vigorous sex, but you can still lie back and have some fun, points out Joan Elizabeth Lloyd, author of The Perfect Orgasm.

More important, taking turns giving and receiving from time to time lets you stop obsessing about goals like achieving simultaneous orgasm and start focusing on pure pleasure. "When you let him take over, you don't have to worry about what you're doing to him or what should happen next," says Lloyd. "You can live in the moment, feel the sensations and enjoy the abandon." And when you take the reins, you remove the pressure men often feel to perform, which can be hugely stressful for them.

For many women, completely letting go can be tough. "Women sometimes get so focused on giving that the real challenge is receiving," says Kerner. "I hear this all the time from men: 'I just want to pleasure her more, I don't want the focus to be always on me.'" And when you do surrender yourself, the results can be amazing. "I remember one night when I was so dead tired from a lousy day at work ‑- my husband told me not to move a muscle, and started kissing my stomach and working his hands around my entire body," says Amanda, 36. "I just relaxed and felt what he was doing to me. I climaxed three times. He still brags about the magic he made that night."

So how do you get him to take over? "Show him by example," says Lloyd. "Decide to play dirty director one night and take charge of his bliss." Kerner adds, "Tell your guy, 'Tonight's all about you. I'm going to give ‑- but take notes, because next time I want to receive.'" Then hold him to it!

Friday March 10, 2006 - 04:40pm (EST) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for March 10, 2006

New Sex Rule #6 Old rule: Once married, you and your guy should know how to please each other every single time.

New rule: Your hot spots and desires will evolve over the years, so keep exploring!

It seems logical that after you've done it a bazillion and one times, you'd have each other's trigger spots and turn-ons down pat. But the beauty of sex is that cravings and moods change from day to day and year to year, says Britton. Which means great sex is a matter of not getting too wedded to old habits ‑- sometimes a challenge for long-term couples.

One trick: Vow to not use the same move twice in a row. An easy way to do this is to focus on different body parts every time you hop in bed. Consider Heather, 37: "One night, for a change, I started at my husband's toes and worked my way up his body, avoiding the obvious places," she says. "Turns out, his feet and the soft insides of his arms are major turn-on regions."

Staying in touch with each other's changing needs and desires will bring you closer both in and out of the bedroom. And the best part is, you and he will keep rediscovering each other ‑- and rewriting your sex script ‑- for years to come.

Friday March 10, 2006 - 04:39pm (EST) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for March 10, 2006

4 Things You're Forbidden to Do in Bed These moves will zap your pleasure faster than you can say, "Oh, no!"

Forbidden: Letting your to-do list take over.

"Women are better multitaskers than men, so it's only natural that this trait would carry over to the bedroom," says Lou Paget, certified sex educator and author of Hot Mamas. But getting sidetracked by thoughts of the memo you didn't finish or the dinner you haven't started derails you from your pleasure big-time. Try this trick to refocus: When a nagging thought creeps into your lovemaking, instead of swatting it away, acknowledge it, then tell yourself, I'll deal with this later. "Then turn your attention to touching him and on how he's responding ‑- it'll help you reconnect and bring you back to earth," says Paget.

Forbidden: Obsessing about your body.

Although it can be hard to ignore your inner critic, focusing on the way you look distracts you from any pleasure your body gives ‑- and receives. Instead, think about the feel of his skin against yours or the way he caresses you all over ‑- sensations that have nothing to do with what you look like.

Forbidden: Faking it.

We've all been there: He's trying hard ‑- and you're trying not to yawn. Sometimes reaching your peak just isn't going to happen, and that's fine. But pretending you're in ecstasy when you're not is just plain dishonest, and doesn't help him learn what will get you there. Feel free to give yourself a hand ‑- or, it's also okay to say, "That feels great, but my body's not responding right now. Let's take a break and try again later."

Forbidden: Taking a vow of silence.

If your guy suggests trying a move that weirds you out, complying for his sake will only make your libido flatline ‑- fast. So speak up: Clue him in by saying, "I love that you want to try everything, but I'm just not into this." If you want to give his idea a try before making up your mind, devise a code word that means "Stop." He'll appreciate the feedback, and it'll pave the way for what does get you going.

Friday March 10, 2006 - 04:39pm (EST) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

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3/23/2006 2:14 pm

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