Who's yo Daddy?  

ByteChaser2 54M
2834 posts
2/17/2006 10:01 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Who's yo Daddy?

So... I no sooner log in to my 'puter this morning and I got an IM from one of co-workers. She and I had shared a fashion of mentor/student relationship before being promoted. She was fairly new to the team and needed a measure of help and guidance getting up to speed with her daily routine.

Anyway, she IM'd asking if I had a few minutes to talk. I've come to find that when someone says this kind of thing (versus just coming out with the question/comment), it's usually going to be a less than good discussion... so, stealing myself for the inevitable...

This young woman is a single mother of a fairly standard model toddler - a man-child of about 2 or so - living with her boyfriend and his "commercial, off the shelf" model daughter.

Now, over the course of living with someone, issues invariably will arise. Usually revolving around money. She and I have had discussions on this very topic... making ends meet kinds of issues. This time was different.

Now, anyone with kids will have seen this. A parent - as a rule - will support and defend their own child before all others. Think back to your own school days when your parents were called in to meet with a teacher, when you'd been caught doing something wrong.

In my own experience, my parents would, while in the presence of this school official, take up for me. No guardian angel could protect me once we got home though... I'd feel the business end of a belt within moments of walking into the house, but they would always defend me from others.

That's what the issue is here, or rather, the root cause. See, his daughter, in true and expected form under these circumstances, was acting the rebellious "your not my mommy, I can do what I want" routine and dad wasn't "resetting" her (the daughters) expectations. As is often the case, Dad took up for the daughter, at the expense of maintaining a healthy parent/child relationship. Lets face facts - in that household, genetics aside, she's the Mommy.

This apparently had been an ongoing issue that she'd been trying to get positive results on for months. Yesterday was the straw that broke the camels back... She told this guy that he could take his daughter and leave - which he did.

Since this woman is a caring and compassionate soul, she'd caved in early this morning, when boyfriend called, saying he had nowhere to go. She allowed him back into her home.

And here, friends is the reason she called me...

I'm sure you can already see the emotional turmoil she was in. Here she'd put her foot down, laid down the law and took positive action, then not 6 hours later "ripped out" her own spine by letting him back in. (Her words, not mine).

She was crying for help and vindication. She basically needed to hear, from "Daddy", that what she'd done was right. Which of course put me in the "do I defend my daughter or do I reset my daughters expectations" position.

So here's what I explained to her:

If she's serious about this and is looking to remove his negative influence on their family unit, she needs to set a firm expectation (he's outta there or he WILL support her parental authority), place a time limit (otherwise, he's got a week to find a new home) and make it obvious that not meeting this expectation and time limit has consequences (Rent a storage space in his name and move all his stuff into it).

Easy enough... and all before 8 AM!

southrnpeach333 51F

2/17/2006 10:57 pm

Show any weakness in the structure and kids will exploit it to no end. A united front is the only way to protect us parents against them. Besides it a matter of respect.

ByteChaser2 54M

2/18/2006 7:29 am

Peach - very right and appropriate. That concept works in ANY team... Parenting, business, warfare... you name it. The key to a teams success is the unified front. Shame this lady had to learn it the hard way.

She'll be fine though. She comes from good stock

papyrina 52F
21133 posts
2/20/2006 1:06 am

sound advice ,and early in the day too,well done

I'm a

i'm here to stay

ByteChaser2 54M

2/20/2006 7:05 am

Thanks papy. Nice BUTT!

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