WTF was up on the 15th?  

ByteChaser2 54M
2834 posts
9/16/2005 3:07 pm

Last Read:
6/2/2006 7:50 pm

WTF was up on the 15th?

Ok, so you've probably read that post. And those of you who know me probably saw a serious chemical imballance. Yuh, to say the least...

But so y'all, my very closest - and frankly most intimate - friends know what was going on... I will dispense this data to you now.

Oh, and before I get all wrapped up in this - THANK YOU KATEY! Just knowing you were sitting by your phone for me is probably the greatest comfort I could have known. XXXXXXXXXXXXX

So anyway... Yesterday morning, I'd awakened to a very vivid memory of "Her". I must have been dreaming about her, since all I can remember of my dreams are vague feelings if anything at all.

Worse than that, I appear to be having my own version of a monthly "period". Ok, so I'm secure enough in my own masculinity to admit that I retain water every 28 days or so... Many of us "Y" chromosomed beings do

And it was driving me to absolute distraction. I couldn't focus on anything while at the same time the whole of every atom in the cosmose seemed to be swarming in on me all at once. It was probably one of the scariest things I've ever had to deal with.

Not to get on a tangent but so you really understand my own fear threshold here... I've been shot at. By people who sincerely wanted me (specifically) dead and bloated, on some barely visible deasert plain or obscure jungle trail. I've had the opportunity to reflect on my own mortality as command detonated mines exploded in decidedly close proximity... Those periods of fright pale when compared to the outright terror I was feeling yesterday.

And I freely admit, I was seriously contemplating swallowing a bullet last morning. The exact one displayed here... It's since made it's way to the Riverside land fill... and the handgun is now safely enscounced at the neighbors home, under strict lock and key.

But the point here is that I was terrorized. To the point of ending my own life, a life that I previously (and since yesterday, after having pilfered one of the Battle-Axes PAXIL - see? She's good for something!), adored to the point of idolization.

Friends, depression is an ugly, desolate, terror inspiring place to be. I've seen the face of self-loathing. I've experianced the life depriving aura of lost love. And I'm petrified.

And this is why I refuse to allow myself to enter another loving, nurturing relationship again. Even at the cost of depriving my own ever-needing heart the comfort of "her" - ANY "her".

Friends, I truely value each and every one of you. Every last one of you - well except for that one gay guy that keeps emailing me... and the spud-wad that [blog straightten2002]'s been dealng with...

My solemn promise to you - Yes, I know Katey, I take my promises seriously too love! - I will NOT swallow that (or any other) bullet.

rm_sj365 56F
2414 posts
9/16/2005 8:03 pm

and maybe go see a doc & get some paxil of your very own ..maybe? please?

papyrina 52F
21133 posts
9/18/2005 3:47 pm

Hugs my sweet man,i'm glad katey was there for you,please take care and as the others have suggested maybe proffesional help may be good for you.
I've been where you are and tried in the past but i now know its just not worth it,life is for living even though its difficult and frightening its all we have,i still get black moments but i fight those damn demons,i will win not them

I'm a

i'm here to stay

Lapkin4u 43F

9/19/2005 8:17 am

My dear sweet Tomcat, depression is an ugly thing and one paxil will not make the world need constant medication if you are having suicidal thoughts, trust me I know, been taking them for years. your mind is on a roller coaster right now......the "15th" was a low day, and today could be a high day and some will be in between days. It's the day next week or next month when everything around you falls apart and you cant deal that scares me. It's not enough to get the gun out of the house, or throw the bullets out. More can be bought, everything around is a weapon when you want it to be. Please, please, please seek medical attention immediately.....get some meds to help you can make all the difference between today and tomorrow! Once you have the right meds at the right dose in your body, it will help to control those highs and lows and keep them at a steady pace, not saying you wont have bad days, but nothing that leads your mind to contemplate suicide, and if you need more or something different. Work with your doctor and be honest, let them know what and how you feel about everything. Depression doesn't have to rule your life, don't let it. PLEASE! go to the doctor right away! I don't want to see anything bad happen to you......who would be here to give me great advice and make me laugh when I am down? Just go and do it for me! I luv u babe! Email me if you need to talk.....I'll email you my phone number and you call me anytime you need to!

ByteChaser2 54M

9/19/2005 8:42 am

Hiya sj365 - Agreed. I saw my counsellor and have my own private stash now. Though, I think being able to talk about it works better than medicating personally...


ByteChaser2 54M

9/19/2005 8:45 am

girltech47 - Having been through countless suicide prevention classes (glad I actually paid attention too) as a Marine leader, I was amazed to have recognized it for what it really was, and still had the presense of mind to take action.

I never would have thought... until that morning.

ByteChaser2 54M

9/19/2005 8:51 am

Hiya papy!!! It's all fine now. Seemed to be a transient episode... And I've got a good counsellor. It's being dealt with

Hugs back atcha *freckles*

ByteChaser2 54M

9/19/2005 9:04 am

Morning hbgirl2 - An interesting oddity about the weapon... My neighbor is a Marine (He's still in). I'm not sure if you know this but there's a relatively high number of them who attempt suicide. There's a kind of unspoken agreement with us... If a "brother" brings you a gun. You just take it, lock it up and watch.

He's been over for beers all weekend. Not talking about the gun or what was going on... just being a friend. He'll give it back when he thinks I'm ready...

Oh... And check out todays post! I got me my Mustang. Yeah, pretty good weekend

ByteChaser2 54M

9/19/2005 9:22 am

Ya caught me lolly-gaggin lapkin! I did, I am and I will

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