Polyamorous relationships???  

Bobbingjoy 61F
214 posts
6/24/2006 8:52 am

Last Read:
7/2/2006 8:46 am

Polyamorous relationships???

I recently heard of polyamorous connections and am rather intrigued by the idea, the concept, the actualisation of it all. In many ways, I guess I'm more "vanilla" than I would have otherwise thought of myself.

It's intrigue for me is the idea of loving several others openly, having both emotional and sensual intimacy with several others. After all, for quite some years, I've already thought how much I wish there were larger group support, love, caring, - and yes, sex - in today's less than nuclear families, the mobile and ever-changing relationships. Moreover, I've been attracted to other men sensually as well as intellectually, even as I first married.

Very recently, I've had a very caring close friendship which dissolved as we both recognised we wanted different connections and commitments.

So what would occur on a personal basis in a polyamorous setting? Head and emotions? (Sensual being given...) Communal living? Parameters? Limitations? Any real freedom to explore beyond the group?

And how on earth would our kids adapt, coming from a more nuclear base?


nu2this2ca 76M

6/26/2006 6:50 pm


Polyamorous! Good subject and observations and questions but, what a tough post on which to comment.

At first I thought that I might make some smart-a** comment about why would you be interested in the love life of Parrots (Pollyamorous!!) such as, ”I hear that it’s not all that it’s crackered up to be!!”

But I decided not to do that because that would be juvenile and not contribute to a serious discussion (‘crackered up’, hehehe . So, just to set the scene for the basis behind my two-cent’s worth, here’s what I understand regarding the words Polyamory or Polyamorous:

- Polyamory means ‘loving more than one’. This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof.
- Polyamorous is a term used to describe people who are open to more than one relationship. A rather ‘loose’ definition for sure but, understandably so given all the relationship combinations that might be covered by the term.
Comment to Joy : Based on the above, it’s entirely probable that someone who engages in a polyamorous relationship will do so with someone who is already ‘attached’. Not out of ‘Cheating’ (see below) but out of ‘Love’!

So. Isn’t Polyamory just a fancy word for ‘Cheating’? In my opinion, No. The difference between ‘Polyamory’ and ‘Cheating’ is that in a Polyamorous arrangement, everything is concensual between all parties. Even those who do not participate in the actual Polyamorous activities are, nonetheless, aware of what’s going on (to some degree or another) and agree to their partner being involved in the situation. With ‘Cheating’ there is cover-up, deceit, even denial that more than one relationship is being pursued.

Then isn’t Polyamory = Swinging? Once again, No. Polyamory involves a certain degree of longer-term commitment and isn’t necessarily all about sex (although that may be a natural progression for many close relationships). ‘Swinging’ on the other hand is all about sex and may just be a one-night stand (the famous ‘FF& F’.

IMHO, the concept of Polyamory really isn’t anything new. Many years ago just after the ‘Make Love Not War’ generation started to settle down and get involved in somewhat ‘monogamous’ relationships, there was a lifestyle that gained much attention and notoriety. It was called ‘Open Marriage’ and the original proponents of this lifestyle were Nena and George O’Neill. It involved multiple liasons or relationships that were open and agreed to by all parties.

The concept was severely critisised when, about 10 years after their book was published, the authors announced that the concept didn’t work for them and they in fact, had divorced!

I know that I’m going on but, your comment about having someone very close for a while and then deciding that you should go your separate ways is interesting. I have very personal knowledge of a similar event in my life (my wife!!) and it was quite ‘shattering’ for her. However, one might argue that if the relationship had included several people instead of just a single person then the effect of termination of the relationship might have been mitigated (there would have been another (or several) shoulders to ‘cry’ on). Maybe that would have applied to your situation as well.

Would love to discuss more but, that's enough for now.

Sorry for being pushy in closing but, wouldn’t a Polyamorous mindset allow you to make contact/relate to ‘attached guys’? Why not email me?

Your Attentive ‘Knight’

PS. Still looking for some home-made 'fireworks' on the Hill on Canada Day

Bobbingjoy replies on 7/2/2006 8:27 am:
Lots of thoughts you've written, nu2. Thank you.

Your definitions of polyamorous relationships are intriguing versus open marriage.

To me, the latter meant either or both partners were free to engage in sexual intimacy with others, perhaps sharing their adventurous liaisons with their partner which serves to heighten their own sexual activities. The risk is that one or the other partner finds an outside partner more interesting, more satisfying, more passionate, more whatever... risking getting emotionally involved to a point where the original partner no longer means much. Ergo, hurt feelings, rejection, divorce.

A wise friend told me once how much daunting work it would be, how hard it was, to maintain the original relationship while in an open marriage. His own sexuality was hetero, while his wife sought bisexual and bdsm liaisons. Eventually, his wife didn't find enough of what she wanted, while he felt he could easily find new emotional and sexual intimacy with others, risking loss of his family (two young kids). They decided to close out the "open" agreement before anything else occured.

While many people seem to be experimenting with open marriage, swinging, polyamory, etc., IMHO, we all are searching for love, for being cherished, for social, emotional, and sexual interaction - to ultimately not feel lonely, bereft, unsupported, thrown away, whatever... and meanwhile, allow our individual passions to blossom.

Quite honestly, I feel polyamorous concepts would exclude connections with attached guys who's attachées aren't involved or at least fully aware, thus risking having shattered emotions. I frankly don't wish to risk my own actions possibly wreaking havoc upon another's life and family. Perhaps it's my upbringing as well as, more recently, my own experience.

It's a fascinating topic... loving more than one at the same time, well beyond more simple, salacious libido assuaging liaisons, methinks.


SirMounts 103M

6/27/2006 10:08 am

These are really questions that others cannot answer for you. The more that you come to know yourself, the more obvious the answers should become.
A warm welcome to blogging, Joy. *smiling*

Bobbingjoy replies on 6/28/2006 6:59 am:
Thanks, SirMts.

While I know my questions are best answered by myself, I'm also aware there are people out there who not only are interested in polyamorous relationships, but also are involved in such.

Isn't blogging something similar to putting out an idea, a train of thought, reflections, yadda... for oneself as well as for others' input?


SirMounts 103M

6/28/2006 4:11 pm

Why, absolutely, Joy!
Actually, I guess I was making the point that if one might be thinking about a personal decision of any consequence, one should add far more weight to one's own needs, than to any other influence. After all, who knows more about those needs than... you? *smiling*

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