Overwhelming meanderings  

Bobbingjoy 61F
214 posts
7/25/2006 9:21 am

Last Read:
7/30/2006 7:46 am

Overwhelming meanderings

So many thoughts flying around in my head, my heart, my libido, my life...

My head is so pre-occupied with money, or rather, the real lack of it. A rather sudden, unexpected and certainly unplanned reduction in financial circumstance was forced last April. Scramblings to cut back, reduce, count pennies as I daily watch the bank account go negative... while logging into webbanking, only to find yet another unexpected bank charge! I used to wonder what poor people do. Now I know: I even dream - or is it a nightmare - of when the time was I had the fundamental security of my parents' savings. I still somehow scream at the ex's deceit and outright lies, even as I know it's all water under the bridge!

My heart cries... as I listen to Leonard Cohen's Cry, Ophelia... and know the carthartic relief crying provides. Yet still, longings for unconditional love, unconditional and total acceptance, unconditional support... they seem doomed.

My libido seems dormant, uninterested at all the salacious offerings in here and elsewhere. Peculiar, I wonder at my disinterest in sensual stuff, so what in hades am I doing in an adult sexual liaisons' site???

Determination, direction, goals... where has all that gone in this life?

Sorry... just had to get it out. I'll survive, I know... so onwards to tomorrow...

An overwhelmed non-Joy

chef953 64M

7/25/2006 10:23 am

Glad you got it out my friend, I do understand the feelings and share them in so many ways. Bills and being trapped, I concluded I'm doing hard time in trying to work my way out of debt... the only way I've been able to look at it. As to Love, hmmm

"Yet still, longings for unconditional love, unconditional and total acceptance, unconditional support... they seem doomed. "

Well, it's what we all long for and what we may have gotten a tiny taste of from our parents or family and look for it ever after. Learn to give it a bit with our own children and then if we're very lucky exchange that with someone for a time....

But it's not doomed!!!! Just changes it's object sometimes and needs to be given to someone new along the way perhaps. Perhaps to yourself... and not just to others Joy.

Bobbingjoy replies on 7/26/2006 6:14 pm:
Lol, Chef, at your remark about doing hard time working your way out of debt. The feeling of sinking into the financial abyss, however, is far different from being trapped, I fear. And fear, as they say, is the only thing to fear.

Unconditional longings - growing up, I was the golden daughter and niece to my father, several uncles, and most of the 23 cousins, so had much more than a tiny taste, especially of love, acceptance and support. You're dead right we seem to look for it ever after.

How wise you are that it is important to give all of that to ourselves. Thanks.


rm_Benkai7 56M
2358 posts
7/26/2006 12:16 pm

Dear "Bobbingjoy".

Hugs and understanding ...

"What is a saint?

A saint is someone who has achieved a remote human possibility. It is impossible to say what that possibility is. I think it has something to do with the energy of love. Contact with this energy results in the exercise of a kind of balance in the chaos of existence. A saint does not dissolve the chaos; if he did the world would have changed long ago. I do not think that a saint dissolves the chaos even for himself, for there is something arrogant and warlike in the notion of a man setting the universe in order. It is a kind of balance that is his glory. He rides the drifts like an escaped ski. His course is the caress of the hill. His track is a drawing of the snow in a moment of its particular arrangement with wind and rock. Something in him so loves the world that he gives himself to the laws of gravity and chance. Far from flying with the angels, he traces with the fidelity of a seismograph needle the state of the solid bloody landscape. His house is dangerous and finite, but he is at home in the world. He can love the shape of human beings, the fine and twisted shapes of the heart. It is good to have among us such men, such balancing monsters of love.

by - L. Cohen, Beautiful Losers (1966)


Bobbingjoy replies on 7/26/2006 6:19 pm:

Thank you for reminding me there are many out there who offer such wisdoms.


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