A Past Story  

Becca53913 58F
151 posts
3/21/2006 6:55 am

Last Read:
4/1/2006 8:10 pm

A Past Story

Chapter one

I lay on the basement carpet with my hands plastered over my ears. Can't they just shut up I think as tears course down my face and drip into my mouth. My tears taste salty on my tongue and I remember somewhere that diffrent tears have diffrent chemical compounds. Tears of joy have different chemicals then tears of pain. Mine are bleeding from my heart. Wonder what chemicals they contain?

I can hear the voices of anger going on above my head. Then there is a thump here a crash there. I scream at the top of my lungs. " Shut up! Just shut the hell up!". I keep on screaming. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. The screams just keep bubbling and bubbling forth like a volcanic eruption of the soul. Thoughts colide in my brain one after another. I don't belong here. I don't belong in this family. They are frickin crazy! Why this family God. Why this pain? Make them stop! Make them stop!

I can't handle this. I love them, my family, but they are crazy....and they are driving me crazy!" The screams are still being riped out of my throat. I cannot control it anymore then I can control the beating of my heart. I am out of control and I feel it deep in my soul. The loss of control is one of the things I hate most. The pain. The unreality of it all. I must gain some control!

I know now the feelings of crazy screamers in institutions. They are in pain moment after moment, day after day. Maybe they should let them kill themselves. These Doctors they know nothing. They know not the torment of the soul and what their patients live through. There private hell of past and present.If they did they would release them.

All the while I think this the screams just keep rendering the air. Is there no end? Is there no end to this pain? My body trembles with the exertion, with the emotion. I can feel my mouth in a savage, pulled contortion of features. I feel my heart excelerate it's hammering at my chest and pray it will burst forth and the pain will be gone.

Somewhere out there I hear a voice penatrating the sound of my screams. It is my Dad shouting down the basement stairs. "What in the hell is wrong with you! Stop that screaming! Now, right now!" He thunders.

Now I am pissed. I feel the screams turn to a deep burning anger. " What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with me? How dare you! How dare you ask me that! It's not me who started the fight! It's not me who threw the stuff all over the house! It's not me who was pushing and shoving. It is you damnit! It is you crazy people up there. This is not a family it is a nut house of deranged, cruel idiots! Maybe you should ask what the hell is wrong with you people!" I spit the words out so bitter are they on my tongue. Damn the consequences!

I know longer care what he may do to me, what punishment he may dole out. I am so done with them, so done!

The door slams hard. He has no reply for the facts speak for themselves. What can he say to the facts? How can he blame me? He knows in his heart the truth. The sad thing is I know he hates it too. He is just as trapped as I am, as we all are. None of us know the way out so what can they do to me to themselves that would be any worse then this? Nothing.

I crawl off into the closet. My haven. I roll into a fetal ball to lick my wounds. I am trembling from head to foot. I feel sick to my stomache. My breath is harsh in my own ears. I feel sick in my soul. I am spent and I pray for the peace of sleep. I need to sleep. Leave this place to my dreams that is the only way. Sleep, blissful sleep!

Becca53913 58F
131 posts
3/24/2006 9:34 pm

Thank you Hawk you are so sweet. I was about 10 yrs old at that time. Every day I would pray that God would take me to heaven and I would be where I finally belonged. Each morning I would wake again tear up my goodbye note and start all over the next night. My parents did the best they could in that time of their lives. I love them both. My brother would always start the whole mess. I wished him dead often, but I really did not want him dead just gone. My Dad was a buisnessman and everything was .....don't feel...don't think......don't talk! No one ever said it but everyone new the rules. The air was always so heavy and thick with undercurrents. I became very, very good a body language and would head to my room for cover taking my dog with me. She soaked up rivers of tears! Never could fit that mold because I feel very deeply, see all and acess my surroundings, tell often some here and there now when I know it will not hurt them. Writing this in my blog is very freeing. I may write about it from time to time and just banish the pain that way. Our journey is always a part of us. We just don't have to let it rule us. They had no clue I was affected that way at all. It was easier for them to survive my brother that way. funny how life turns around. He did turn out to be a real people person. Stopped a few suicides and so on. He passed away when he was 26 yrs old. We donated his corneas so now two people can see. God can turn around the worst situations to his good purpose. We all bear our scars in diffrent ways. My DAd and brothers have blocked it out. They do not want to remember. My mom got very sick and died. I am headed that way. I now want to reverse that direction. Hopefully it is not to late. When my mom passed away she still worried about the children and we were all grown. So sad to remember. All good people in the wrong mix or stuck on the wrong path. My Dad and I are very close now. We had a big fight, cleared the air and now live in harmony. We are so alike in some ways so diffrent in others. I do not make them remember. No good purpose can come of that. Maybe they do and just never speak of it. My mom was in and out of deniel. She would always say, " I don't remember that!" or "that never happened" I quit telling and she worried I had lost it. I use to wonder why she never believed me when young. Now of cource it is clear. Denial is a good place to be sometimes. Really sad...Tears.....Tears....Tears.
Talk to you later my friend

singleagain53578 48F

3/25/2006 7:41 am

Becca.. I had no idea. It all makes so much sense to me now. The low self esteem. Your mother, always looking and feeling so depressed. I understand now. I can see it now. Just like my family as well. Outsiders think we all have the perfect family. Little do they know though, huh? No wonder we are family and why we both are the way we are. This is why we found each other as adults and became closer. Our family has brought us closer together. For that, I am thankful.


Becca53913 58F
131 posts
3/25/2006 4:58 pm

SINigle you will always be close to my heart. I think that there are so....many woman just like us. We are healing though and you can only do what you know. That is all our parents knew at the time. I thin back to what age they would be when this and that happened and realized that they were really young and they had no one to help in the counceling area. Not like now a days with parenting classes and everything. It was a diffrent age then. Hey maybe we should have past memories zapped! Get one of those wire things plugged in to our heads. Nope guess we would lose the thoughts of each other. I don't think they can do a time line LOL we will make it. We just have to be very careful with our children. Remember what it was like for us. But I just have no control of M. He thinks he has all the power and is so, so sensitive! That or he is playing me! See you tomarrow or in a couple of days

Becca53913 58F
131 posts
3/26/2006 5:12 am

SINgle things seem to run in families and you will always be close to my heart. I know many, many women and men out there that have gone through the same and much more. We are getting better though, LOL most of the time. YOu always make me laugh even if you are sad inside! We just need to remember the age of our parents when they were raising us. Mine were young and they only could do has good as they knew at the time. There wasn't alot of help back then. No parenting classes and so on. Also that was the age were everything was hush, hush for almost all families.
Your Cuz

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