The Commitmenttphobe and the Collar  

BeachMystress 49F
15 posts
8/7/2006 3:28 am
The Commitmenttphobe and the Collar

Original Post date - Monday, February 07, 2005

As I was growing up, my mother never said things like "when you get married" instead she'd tell us we needed to be able to support ourselves, that we didn't need men and such. My mother was pretty miserable in her marriage and felt trapped. My aunt was a man hating lesbian (I do not feel all lesbians hate men, but my aunt sure did) and also encouraged us away from marriage. We were always told to get our educations and be strong, independent women. I remember being warned by both to never be dependant upon a man. My mother died a few months short of my 19th birthday.

Needless to say, I've never married (nor have my siblings.) I did live with a man for an extended period of time, but never made any formal commitment. I sort of just let things happen day by day. It wasn't so much that we stayed together.. it just would have been a pain to move out. Since that relationship morphed into friendship it didn't become an issue.

Now I've met someone who feels right. He feels like "The One." He matches my wants and needs. There is no way I'm letting this one go. We've discussed and agreed upon a training collar (even though we've been together only since November) and we'll be setting a date for collaring soon. I'm excited, pleased and scared to death. This is a real commitment to me. I want it very much, but a little voice deep inside (I'm sure you all know this gremlin of your own) keeps screaming for me to run like hell. (Don't worry.. I'll not run. I've been around long enough to know how very rare and precious the relationship we share is and will not risk harming it in any way.) It doesn't help that the only other time I've truly been in love with a man, he died.

** Great- I'm a commitmentphobe with abandonment issues. Do I have a warranty? Cuz I sure as hell want a refund or an upgrade. I'm pretty sure my instruction manual doesn't mention that I was supposed to have either trait. Maybe I should check for recall notices.... **

That shrill gibbering gremlin voice loves to get into the fact that my sub is very inexperienced in the relationship arena. And it sure doesn't help that he agrees that he can't say how he'll feel in a year, 10 years and so on, but can only say how he feels now. While none of us can tell how we'll feel in the future, gremlin voice fixates upon this as some sort of subliminal hint on his part.. a warning that what he feels is temporary. Oh, did I mention the whole part about being a neurotic mess? I'm usually not in the least bit like this. I'm very aware of my worth as a person, a woman and a Dominant. I've also always been ready to walk away from a relationship. Now I'm not willing to just walk away. It is hard for me, but I am working on this commitment. No matter how scary this is, I'm going to see it through.

Does anyone have any gremlin tranquilizers?

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