A recent email I sent  

BayLuv69 48M
1 posts
6/30/2006 1:16 pm
A recent email I sent

I'm also thinking that I'm the only one who thinks about love, sex, desire, women, and life as much as I do. We are different, you and I. Sometimes that bugs me and sometimes I'm okay with it. You didn't talk about yourself too much so please don't worry about that. In comparison, you must think that I talk about myself all the time, but by writing I discover more about myself and that is so so so very important to me. I wish that you would also explore yourself.
I'm always trying to learn why it is that I do what I do. Last counseling session I opened up even more about my straying ways to my counselor. I hope that you never have to go through that, never. When you wrote that Will was checking your text messages, that worried me. I would never check anything that a girlfriend has that might even remotely be of a personal nature. But, I have never been suspicious of a girlfriend for any reason what so ever. I'm not saying that Will is suspicious, but I do wonder if that is his normal behavior, fill me in. I'm always careful because I've been mired in the soup before and so have a couple of past girlfriends of mine. No fun for either.
That last counseling session in particular was a major milestone for me. I admitted something and therefore discovered something that I always thought was true but I needed it validated. Funny how I don't always trust my insight, and my initial instinct, although it almost always proves true. I think about that and how it applies to you and I.
Having someone flirt with you is always fun. Someone once told me that the attention that I paid to them, and the interest I showed in them, made them feel so young, so desired, and therefore so much better about themselves. That was such a sweet thing to say. I've been blessed by having girlfriends with such open and uninhibited dialogue. I wish that you were freer with your feelings but in retrospect that is unfair.
We're all different and thank God for that. You have your own unique special qualities that I enjoy. On the other hand, my mind is full of so many thoughts about life. I wonder again if I just share too much. I know you like reading it but honestly it takes a lot to give out so much and since I don't see you very often then I feel as if I'm not getting a whole lot back. I hope this doesn't sound like whining. Anyways, let me move on to more stuff going on in my life. Of course it's about my personal life.
I've been thinking a lot about Ana (a past girlfriend) recently. That's not good, really. I've tried not to think about her but it's been difficult. One smart thing I did was to remove her number from my cell phone, but of course it's already etched in my brain. I haven't called her since she quit me, I haven't passed by where she works, I haven't written her, nothing, nothing, nothing.
One thing with me though, and I guess you should be careful with this one too, is that I'm clearly a person that believes in "out of site out of mind." That's probably the only reason that I haven't contacted Ana in any way whatsoever. I've been wondering though just what it is about her that I miss so much and that is the part that is bugging me the most.
I have some pictures and letters in my locker and I'm having a difficult time letting those things go, but that's what reminds me of her. I have no pictures of past girlfriends because then the emotions would be right there all the time. I'm not going to keep going on about this because it's too much for me to deal with right now.
Back to what I said earlier, I say that it is unfair to you to open up right away because I often forget that this is not the norm for you. That itís not usual for you to open up and express yourself. That itís not usual for you to share your innermost feelings. That itís not usual for you to delve into yourself and try to figure out what makes you tick. For me, all those things are the norm. Iíll probably be certifiably insane by the time Iím 50. Forget retirement, theyíll just come for me in the white van with the white lab coats.
Anyways, this has been a rough month I guess. Iíve been so busy helping out with party planning and other events, of which I donít truly enjoy. The counseling has been helpful but itís mostly exhausting and shakes up my insides. Iíve been reminded of Ana too much for my liking. I havenít seen much of you and Iíve been overly critical of your writing as well.
The thing with me is that I need to feel that Iím getting back what I put in. The innocuous emails that I have sent were semi-intentional because I wondered why it was that I was sharing so much of myself. Why was I telling you all this crap about myself? Why not just send mostly fluff too?
I donít like feeling that I need you as much as I do. Donít take that the wrong way. No man is an island but when I can turn off my feelings then I know I can survive on my own. What Iím trying to say, and failing at doing so, is that I often feel that I need you more than you need me. Iím usually okay with feeling vulnerable but now Iím not so sure. Itís a combination of so many things.
I need more from you. I want to spend more time alone with you. If I canít get you to open up with me through email or through our talks then I at least want to get you to open up to me physically, passionately, intimately. That almost always brings out more emotion and feelings. That is what I long for from you.
These emails are my only foray into asking for some sexual indulgence. Look at your July schedule and letís pick a date that we can be together. Let me know, sooner rather than later.
I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person. Thatís why I terminated my friendship with Tracy and thatís why my time with Ana was so passionate. With the right person, I am completely giving of my soul and my body. I might be barking up the wrong tree, who knows.

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