JOKES  

BROC817 45M
874 posts
1/21/2006 11:26 pm

Last Read:
3/10/2006 8:15 pm

JOKES

LEAVE YOUR JOKES HERE PLEASE !!!

great jokes for the group Looking For Friendships !!!


silk_petal_rose 54F  
1821 posts
1/24/2006 5:26 pm

One for the ladies:


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....


Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.


AMEN


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

silky...


waytosexy4ashirt 59M

1/25/2006 5:44 am

WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.She seductively signalled that he should bring his face
closer to hers.As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair."I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender."Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."


silk_petal_rose 54F  
1821 posts
1/25/2006 8:03 am

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the
Arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your
request
for
the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in
your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative--you need to be pressure! d and
stimulated
to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing
protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and
exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

silky...


silk_petal_rose 54F  
1821 posts
1/25/2006 2:18 pm

THE UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND!!

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me, your faithful wife? The mother of your children! I'm leaving this house. I want a divorce!" The husband, replies, "Wait, wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Well it'll be the last thing I'll ever hear from you, so make it fast, you revolting pig."

The husband begins to tell his story.

"While I was driving home, this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten in 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I had made for you last night and that you didn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight. The poor young thing practically devoured them.

Since she was quite dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were frayed and full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a years, and that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse I had given you on our anniversary and that you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
will not wear just to bother my sister, and I also gave her the boots
that you bought at the expensive boutique and never wore again after you saw your co -worker wearing an identical pair."

The husband continues: "The young woman was very grateful to
me, and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?????"

silky...


waytosexy4ashirt 59M

1/27/2006 12:54 pm

Mailman

One Monday morning, a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his
usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, he notices that both cars
were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,
coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night."
the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We
had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some
weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in
the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that!!!"
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
seven times...."


SexCrazyCpl221 40M/40F
42 posts
1/31/2006 7:16 am

I know this guy,

He lives around the corner from an ass hole,

his best freinds a pussy

and he's alway hanging with a couple of nuts,

and me personally I think this guys a REAL dick.


silk_petal_rose 54F  
1821 posts
2/1/2006 10:29 pm

I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall
parking lots.

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are
parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other
comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will
take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs
over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your
wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but
I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful!

silky...


waytosexy4ashirt 59M

2/4/2006 9:32 am

Woman shut your mouth...............

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it
once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as
long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234,
and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another
year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and
prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and
puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into
bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the
most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,
"What did you say '123' for?


BigButSexy84 33F

2/4/2006 5:47 pm

The Voodoo Dick

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation and the old man started saying, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.

"Except what?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said

"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

Businessman "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...

"Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:

"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"


waytosexy4ashirt 59M

2/5/2006 4:52 pm

Time for Football humor..........

Two boys are playing football in central park,when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler.
Thinking quickly,the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence,wedges it down dogs collar and twists,breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants fan saves friend from vicious animal" he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants "the little boy replies.
"Sorry since we are in New York.I just assumed you were",says the reporter.
"Little Jets fan rescues friend from horrific attack",he writes in notebook.
"I am not a Jets fan either" the boys says.I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or the Jets.
"What team do you root for?"asks the reporter.
'I am a Cowboys fan" the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"LITTLE REDNECK MANIAC KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET"


waytosexy4ashirt 59M

2/8/2006 7:29 am

A woman visits her accountant to file her taxes. He asks her, “What’s your occupation?”

The woman says, “I’m a hooker.”

The accountant balks and says, “Oh, that’s too crass. Let’s try to rephrase it.”

“How about ‘prostitute’” the woman suggests.

“That’s still too crude,” he says.

They both think for a minute, then the woman blurts out, “Let’s say I’m a chicken farmer.”

“What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?” the accountant asks incredulously.

The woman answers, “I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”


silk_petal_rose 54F  
1821 posts
2/21/2006 6:07 am

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto
the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he
taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber
at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

silky...


rm_bigcheeks2 40F
1 post
2/22/2006 9:43 pm

i loved the jokes they were great


silk_petal_rose 54F  
1821 posts
2/23/2006 3:48 pm

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come
over here and help me.....I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger".

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise
you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........."
he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes
back in the box."

silky...


sweetSinn2690
2943 posts
3/9/2006 4:24 am

George's Physical
=================

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks
great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your
God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go
to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the
light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said,"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then
(poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"


Oh WHATEVER BITCHES!


sweetSinn2690
2943 posts
3/9/2006 4:26 am

"Escape from Prison"

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a
brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came
upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and
rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and
decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the
barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the
hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw
and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy
kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went,
"Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went,
"Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no
sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said,
"Potatoes".


Oh WHATEVER BITCHES!


sweetSinn2690
2943 posts
3/9/2006 4:28 am

A blond woman named Babbette found herself in dire trouble.
Her business had gone bust and she was in serious financial concern. She
was so desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She began to
pray.

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win
the lotto." Lotto night came and somebody else won. Babbette again prayed.
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and
I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night came and Babbette still had no luck. Once again
she prayed "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my
house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for
help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me
win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens
opened, and Babbette was confronted by the voice of God Himself.
"Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."


Oh WHATEVER BITCHES!


silk_petal_rose 54F  
1821 posts
3/19/2006 2:41 pm

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told
her preacher she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me
twice a week."


silky...


silk_petal_rose 54F  
1821 posts
3/24/2006 2:32 pm



A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for
a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'


silky...


silk_petal_rose 54F  
1821 posts
3/25/2006 10:44 pm

Sperm count!

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get

a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's

office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous

day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right

hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Next I

asked my wife

for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still

nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with
her teeth out,

and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried

too,

first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried

squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the

jar open. "


silky...


rm_JustAwhisper 49F
96 posts
4/12/2006 3:34 pm

Hard Boiled Eggs

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"


horny_scotsman3 36M
1 post
5/2/2006 6:36 pm

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.

She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde,

“What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”


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