Stock Broker Does Business In Aruba / Homeless Guy Does Business In Pants  

AtomicArtist0 46M
5236 posts
9/9/2006 9:53 pm

Last Read:
10/30/2010 4:31 pm

Stock Broker Does Business In Aruba / Homeless Guy Does Business In Pants

Bold, rugged, self-assured…these are the words that describe me,” the successful stock broker told our reporters last Monday. In his eighties style blue business shirt with white collar and gold cufflinks, he kicked back with his feet up on his polished cherry wood desk and hands behind his head the raging success then continued, “My jaw is as square as a cinder block and my golf game is just as impressive as my stock portfolio. Hah! Sometimes I just can’t get over how awesome I am!”

“The best fucking dumpsters in town are the ones behind Kentucky Fried Chicken”, the homeless drunk told us while scratching his matted lice infested hair. His beer gut hung down below his stretched out teletubbies t-shirt. His graveled voice strained between coughs, then continued, “they throw out all the extra chicken and table scraps at night and if you can get there before the rats do you get your grub on pretty good. Then one time I fucked a watermelon.”

“I wasn’t always this successful”, the filthy rich broker confessed. “I climbed to the top the hard way. You see, I inherited my dad’s brokerage firm and a mere quarter million dollars when I was 16. Back then the struggling little company only had 120 employees. But when I took over the firm I put in like 80 hour work weeks for years feverishly buying, selling and blackmailing my competitors. My firm is a multi-billion dollar corporate tour de force now…and I couldn’t have done it without all that sweet, sweet Colombian blow!”

“I wasn’t always this broke”, the stinkin’ old dirtbag mused while scratching his balls. “You see it was the government what fucked me over when they started putting acid in everyone’s coffee to keep the hippies from voting. Ever since they let Batman become President my life and this whole fucking country went right into the goddamned toilet. Now I get by with a bottle of Cossack when I can get it. I always got to hustle the Wall Street types for their fucking dough. Nowadays the jingling money don’t get you jack shit so I got to chase them down for some folding money. I just wave my cock around and tell them I’m gonna skull fuck them with it. That usually gets them to throw money and run. You know, I used to have a fucking palace on the moon!”

“Like all successful business types, I have a magnificent head of hair, washboard abs and a giant 10 inch cock. But I wanted a way to really rub in my awesome success in everyone’s faces. Then it hit me while I was racing my Porsche through a school zone during a coke induced binge…Aruba! I can do a brisk business in Aruba. Shit, I hardly use my 5000 sq. foot beach home there so it made perfect sense. Fuckin-A…with a lap top and an internet connection you can do business anywhere…even the fucking moon if I so wanted to. I made a few calls to my people, woke my personal pilot, fueled the leer jet and Badda-bing Badda-boom Booyeah! I‘m in Aruba, Baby!”

“Booga booga! Booga booga! Booga fucking booga!” The homeless fucker shouted while chasing down a guy in a suit and tie. The suited man threw him a quarter and ran off. “Is that all you got, Bitch!?” The stinkin’ bum shouted after him then continued demurely. “Sometimes I’m pretty lucky. Like one time a couple years back this rich jewboy cocksucker gave me a ten-spot. Granted he made me do a little dance and sing a song for it but in the end it was worth it.” Then the foolish drunk pranced around singing loudly, “I’m a little tea pot short and stout! This is my handle, this is my spout! When I get all steamed up hear me shout! Tip me over and pour me out!’ Then added, “That fucking asshole also made me have sex with a stale donut that was on the ground. You might think that would be humiliating but I was probably going to fuck that donut anyway so I guess it didn’t matter.”

“Oh man, listen to this! One time when I was still with the firm in New York, this goddamned bum begs me for money, right. Get this, I says ok, I’ll give you ten bucks, but do a fucking little dance and sing I’m a little teapot, you stinking bastard! So then he prances around like an asshole and J.P. and me are just laughing our fucking asses off, right. Then he says, you sure got some big balls making him dance like that. I says you ain’t seen nothing yet! Then just for good measure, I make him fuck a donut! HAH! HAH! Oh, God, I can’t believe how great I am sometimes! We laughed about that for weeks. I think that night J.P. and I celebrated by snorting coke off the chest of a 1000 dollar a night whore. HAH! What these fucking pricks will do for my money is mind-boggling!” At this point of the interview the self-assured prick’s cell phone rang. “Hold on, I got to take this call. Hello!…Yeah!…Speaking…Yes, I’m a raging success…ok, that sounds great!…Let’s sell! Eight and a quarter percent…that sounds great! Booyeah, bitches!”

“Hold on, I got to take this call!” nearly falling over, the stumbling hobo then picked up a dog turd from the ground and pressed it against his ear as if it was a phone. “Yello!…Yeah!…Yeah!…What?…Sure, I’d love to be in your movie. Its about an astronaut that fights crime…and it has a talking quiche…what about action and naked broads?…Ok, count me in! A million dollars?…No, make it two million and a carton of smokes and I’ll do it! I’ll be there tomorrow at the ass-crack of noon!” Putting the dog turd into his coat pocket, the hobo then announced. “That was my agent. Looks like my lucky break. I’m living on Easy Street from now on and this time not beneath the underpass.” Then the noxious fucker made a face like he was passing gas. “Oh, man…here it comes…urgh…urgh…urgh…oh man…phew, there it is!” The interview ended abruptly when he chased down two business women walking by. “Gimme a dollar you bitches! I just dropped off the Cosby Kids in my pants!”

Nina_Dee 62F

9/10/2006 1:57 am

The Stockbroker and the Homeless guy both doing business in different ways. It was a hoot to read!

AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/10/2006 8:28 pm:
doing business in different ways but both are quite similar somehow. both are jerks. that your new face pic? WOW!! Hubba Hubba!!

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
9/10/2006 7:02 am

At first this post made me feel a little bipolar. lol And then I realized that it was brilliant!

AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/10/2006 8:30 pm:
yes...they are two diverse people yet very similar in so many ways. Thank you for the compliment.

rm_AnOddGirl 58F
3469 posts
9/10/2006 10:09 am

Dayum it, you just slay me....

AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/10/2006 8:34 pm:
no, actually I was aquitted for that.

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
9/10/2006 3:46 pm

Nice autobiography! Which one are you today?

AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/10/2006 8:43 pm:
Autobiography? in spite of what Dysgyzed said I can neither confirm nor deny the existance of an impressive stock portfolio, full head of hair, washboard abs, and a giant 10 inch cock nor can I confirm or deny my using a watermelon for sexual congress or using a dog turd as a phone.

WaterBabyRocks 60M

9/10/2006 10:10 pm

Then he says, you sure got some big balls making him dance like that. I says you ain’t seen nothing yet! Then just for good measure, I make him fuck a donut! HAH! HAH! Oh, God, I can’t believe how great I am sometimes! We laughed about that for weeks.

Loved the whole post, man. I'm laughing along with you.

AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/11/2006 12:51 pm:
yes, I'm laughing along with ya...but lets hope we're all not laughing because the character is exploiting and humiliating the homeless for money. Exploiting the homeless for money is mean spirited and not funny. Its only funny when you exploit them for food.

cuteNEway 42F

9/10/2006 11:33 pm

MAN!! A turdphone?? A place on the moon?? I'm in LOOOVVEEE

AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/11/2006 12:54 pm:
yes...a turd phone and a palace on the moon. can it get any better?

skyking412004 55M
5363 posts
9/11/2006 1:40 am

_____I'm about as politically incorrect as a guy can get, but I have to ask. Is there an explanation for the Cosby kids thing that won't piss people off, or is that your version of Mel Gibson? /// Bravo on making both of them sound evenly "asshole-ish".

AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/11/2006 12:59 pm:
nope...there is no explanation that you could do that would not piss anyone off...other than its within quotes meaning that some stinky homeless guy said it and not me therefore exempting me from all blame...or so I hope. Also, while I am the writer of the post I do not share my characters warped views but they are funny when written down. Thanks for the compliment on making them both seem assholeish. it was one of those ideas at the last minute that really made the whole idea solidify.

QueenofBitches69 48F

9/12/2006 1:44 am


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/12/2006 12:29 pm:
what? nothing crass to say?

catseyes23 62F

9/13/2006 12:32 am

What a description! Two sides of a coin-I was so immersed in reading this that I almost felt as though I was the interviewer for a moment. Great post!

AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/13/2006 10:21 pm:
if you were the interviewer you'd have to block your nose for both these men as they're both full of shit.

multitasksextoy 60M
3511 posts
9/14/2006 12:52 am

I'm still trying to decide who I relate to the most!!! Later Atomic

AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/14/2006 5:30 pm:
I probably relate closer to the homeless guy than the other one. sigh.

velvetgrrrl 41F

9/24/2006 4:57 pm

Amazing are you sure this isn't Dr Hekyl and Mr Hides a boner here. Could he perhaps be one and the smae man. I knwo sometimes the voices in my head make me do things I haven't always been able to explain.

Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.

AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/24/2006 5:22 pm:
you have a good point about that Jekyl and Hyde thing...they are both very similar. and voices in your head making you do things you can't quite explain? You and me both.

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