Smoking Hot Chick Missing; Entire Nation In Turmoil  

AtomicArtist0 46M
5236 posts
7/25/2006 8:30 pm

Last Read:
6/28/2010 11:15 pm

Smoking Hot Chick Missing; Entire Nation In Turmoil

The search for smoking hot former cheerleader and all around perfect sorority girl, Brianna Boswick is well into its 72nd hour and will not end until that fine piece of ass is found alive, sources told our reporters last Monday.

Costing millions in tax dollars, the search for the 24 year old bodacious babe utilized the National Guard, thousands of volunteers, hundreds of police dogs, and dozens of rescue teams all combing the area along the Appalachian Trail in New Hampshire where she had told her parents she would be hiking with friends. Along with rescue teams, reporters from every major news source are also at the scene providing non-stop coverage of the search and showing the footage live on every media news station.

“Boy, searching for Brianna is pretty tough work,” stated Chuck Pierson, a search volunteer and frat boy from Boston University, “but I’m going to give it 110 per cent just like Coach said and I hope we can find her.”, then added, “ya gotta admit she’s wicked hot.”

Her parents, Connecticut residents William and Chelsea Boswick were visibly shaken when interviewed at their Stamford home this morning. “We reported her missing the minute she got out of cell phone range”, stated Mrs. Boswick while clutching her daughter’s fuzzy pink angora sweater. “I don’t understand why she would want to go hiking in the woods but she insisted.” Then continued while choking back tears, “Why does this have to happen to us? I mean, we’re upper-middle class. We have nice friends. We belong to a book club, William and I. We’re on the board of directors at our local nautical museum and attend all the PTA meetings.” Then added, “this much suffering should not happen to good people like us. Why doesn’t turmoil just stay in the inner-city where it belongs?”

When asked for his professional opinion on the matter, Psychologist, Dr. Leonard Stein stated that;” Indeed it is unusual for someone of Brianna’s beauty, popularity and social graces to choose to go hiking for a weekend. Hiking is a relatively solitary endeavor usually reserved only for hippies, troubled loners, and Canadians. It is assuredly not for the likes of pretty Miss Boswick.”

Brianna’s totally awesome form was last seen early Friday morning at the start of her hiking trip. She had pulled into a local Starbucks and purchased a venti low-fat white mocha with soy milk, employees there told our reporters. She was described as wearing totally sweet Starter jogging shorts and a grey GAP sweatshirt that clung nicely to her perfectly formed C-cups and a white ball cap with her gorgeous blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail.

Her 2006 Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer Edition SUV remains parked safely at the Crawford Notch parking area where she had left it. While all of her hiking gear is presumably with her, a seemingly empty Starbucks cup rests in the cup holder and a tube of 30 SPF sunscreen lotion sits on the passenger seat.

The former Miss Princess Teen contestant may be hiking with friends who could also be considered missing, sources say. New Hampshire State Trooper, Sgt. Rex Malone announced that, “she may have been hiking with either a dumpy lesbo or a pimply-faced goth chick or possibly both. Details are unclear on her hiking companions, but that’s not what matters here. What matters is beautiful Brianna Boswick’s sweet, sweet ass is found alive and unharmed.”

In other news today some scientist, who is not Brianna Boswick, says he may have discovered another planet within our solar system, Rhode Island broke away from the Continental U.S. and declared themselves an independent country, congress had passed a 19% sales tax increase for all residents in Ohio, a giant squid washed up on the shore of Virginia for some reason and Brooke Shields is somehow pregnant with Shaquille O’Neal’s baby. But really, who gives a shit anyway? God, look at Brianna’s silky blonde hair. Look at that sweet smile. Her friggin’ teeth are whiter than white. Dude, I’d sooo do her! I bet ya she has those really nice perky little pink nipples. Cripes, I’d bend her over the coffee table and show her who’s boss! What I wouldn’t do to her. Anyway…

President Bush stated today during his address that “My deepest condolences go out to you, Mr. and Mrs. Boswick. I’ve reassigned over two hundred volunteers who, as of this morning, were working to clean up the devastation still left by hurricane Katrina almost a year ago. I’ve flown them from New Orleans and are en route to Boston Logan airport now where they will be shuttled to New Hampshire. I can assure you that America will not rest until that smoking hot daughter of yours is found alive and well, so help me God.”

“I told her not to go without me”, stated Biff Rizzo, Brianna’s boyfriend of six months. The 31 year old fitness club owner and body builder then continued, “With her beauty and social graces, she should be modeling at a car show, cutting the ribbon with the mayor at a grand opening of a new mall or sitting on a giant swan float, waving to the crowd and parading down Oakhurst Blvd., she shouldn’t be hiking. She just shouldn’t.” Then continued. “ I knew I should have followed her up Rte. 1 in my porsche. I mean…who would be there to tell her how many calories to consume and when to throw up? She’s just helpless out there all alone in the woods. Oh, God! Why?”, He wept. With lips trembling, Biff used her frilly, lemon yellow satin Victoria’s Secret thong to wipe away his tears. “She left this at my condo the last time we were together. Now this is all I have to remember her by. She was so awesome! I’m not going to give up on her until she is found or maybe some hotter blonde walks into my gym. I’m sure going to miss her. Boo hooo hooo hooo hoooo!”

It is presumed that before her disappearance, Biff and Brianna had better, more meaningful sex than the rest of us as they are both so damn good looking.

“This is just so tragic,” stated Brenda Millis, a search volunteer combing a wooded area about six miles from where Brianna had parked her SUV. “I mean…granted, terrible things happen all over the world, but this is different. I’m not going to give up on her”, she said while adjusting her orange reflective volunteer’s vest and lifting her baseball cap to wipe sweat from her brow, then added. “Its just such a shame when something like this happens to someone so beautiful…and so white.”


catseyes23 62F

7/25/2006 8:49 pm

"God, look at Brianna’s silky blonde hair. Look at that sweet smile. Her friggin’ teeth are whiter than white. Dude, I’d sooo do her! I bet ya she has those really nice perky little pink nipples. Cripes, I’d bend her over the coffee table and show her who’s boss! What I wouldn’t do to her."

Geez, you had me laughing so hard I almost peed in my thong.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 4:32 pm:
they have entire websites and magazines featuring girls peeing in thongs. um...not that I know that or anything...I'm not like some demented...thong...piss fetishist...or anything. Nope. Not me. So don't even think that. Ok, people move on, there's nothing to see here!

rm_gerson42 53M
2419 posts
7/25/2006 8:55 pm

I bow to you. This makes two of us peeing our pants now.
ger - (Commenting freely and without expectation.)


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 4:32 pm:
pants?

rm_AnOddGirl 58F
3469 posts
7/25/2006 9:01 pm

You made me spew my sprite... Dayum it...


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 4:34 pm:
did you like the whole paragraph about the President relocating volunteers cleaning up New Orleans? that was written just for you, baby. Glad you liked.

caressmewell 55F

7/25/2006 9:16 pm

Make that three of us. I have the hiccups from laughing.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 4:35 pm:
hiccups eh? cool. thanks for stoping back by here.

skyking412004 55M
5363 posts
7/25/2006 9:49 pm

_____So many points to comment on. At first I thought maybe she was with Ex-president Bill Clinton, but then I realized that she couldn't be with him because, well, just look at his track record. I mean governor and president of the United States and THAT was the best 'side of tail" that he could get?!!! Sheesh!!! I'd say that she is with me, but that is so implausible, it would make one laugh so hard as to bring tears to ones eyes. Is there any chance that you have her shackled in your basement doing (mutually agreed upon) things to her, and giving her the type of pleasures that only us mere mortals can only dream about?


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 4:46 pm:
see...I knew I could depend on you for a good comment other than "good one" or "LOL". The more comments like these i get, the more I write and the more cutting edge my posts become. Comments like these feed the machine. Bill Clinton's track record? c'mon. admit it...you'd soooo do Monica Lewinski. How could you not look at those lips and not imagine them wrapped around your cock?

She's not with you and she's not with me shackled in my basement (It puts the lotion in the basket) and while the article doesn't say where she is, I offer plenty of clues to think about. First off if you do the math she was reported missing the minute she pulled out of the driveway. She has obsessive, doting parents and a domineering boyfriend. She is traveling with one or two hiking companions of frumpy or average looks. The possibility is there that she's not missing at all but rather just resting happily in a tent. Or she may have run away with the girls to start a new life. I don't know the answers as I didn't write them into the story. but I offer you ideas to think about.

OboesHonedIambs 63F

7/25/2006 10:05 pm

Oh you are a truly evil, demented man! I'm dying! The same line that got catseye got me too... just totally righteous. Keep it up, baby!

Instant Human -- Just Add Coffee


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 4:49 pm:
I've heard that I was truely evil and demented before but it has never been said as a compliment.

who am I kidding? its always a compliment! thanks!

cuteNEway 42F

7/26/2006 3:48 am

"Hiking is a relatively solitary endeavor usually reserved only for hippies, troubled loners, and Canadians. It is assuredly not for the likes of pretty Miss Boswick.”

Loved it! You are a sick fuck...can I be like you when I grow up?

Too fuckin funny


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 4:54 pm:
yes...I'm a sick fuck. but you know...its one of those things where you don't know whether to laugh or get pissed off. Inevidably we do both. Thank you, darling one.

LustyTaurus 50M
21253 posts
7/26/2006 5:27 am

    Quoting spunky11961:
    That just made me drop my beer !
    ~spunky
Me TOOO!

The only difference is it's 6:30 AM here and I have to go you work in an hour!

Great stuff Atomic...


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 4:56 pm:
spilled beer before work, eh? great way to start the day. I'd do the same if it wasn't for the fact that I roll out of bed just a few minutes before i have to be at work.

Looking4sex44240 55F

7/26/2006 10:42 am

LMAO


Transblucency 45M

7/26/2006 3:59 pm

Hee! You are an evil bastard, Atomic, you know that?

Very funny though. This was a particularly astute and cleverly written column.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 5:02 pm:
Yes...I hear it so much I'm beginning to think I am an evil bastard. I think what makes me evil is I never write things that are so far removed from reality. When you're beautiful and well connected, your misfortune can spend weeks on the news usually with very positive results while average people endure hardships everyday without a hitch. There is such an element of truth to all that is written out here...and for that i am an evil, cynical bastard. Thank you, dear sir.

multitasksextoy 60M  
3511 posts
7/27/2006 6:06 am

I think I'm going for a little hike today. You ever think that us Canadians go hiking to get lost?


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 5:17 pm:
see...I felt I left you Canucks out when I wrote the post about the 50 states. so thats why I added that bit. pretty good, huh? maybe you Canadians ho hiking to get lost, maybe not...but I suspect our darling Brianna insisted on hiking just for that reason. to get away from her life.

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
7/27/2006 3:08 pm

I'm not talking, and I'm not giving her back! She's mine now!


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/27/2006 5:18 pm:
so...does that make you the dumpy lesbo or the pimply-faced goth chick?

MissAnnThrope 57F
11488 posts
7/27/2006 4:55 pm

Oh, she's fine. She's shacked up with a cute Earth First! boy from Dartmouth, eating granola, smoking pot and learning that she should just go furry, instead of shaving her legs with disposable razors. Hey, maybe Biff and Steven Weed can get together for drinks and whine together, about how their golddigging didn't work.


AtomicArtist0 46M
6015 posts
7/27/2006 5:28 pm

oh man! So many nice, beautiful girls always fall prey to those tree-hugging, Dartmouth ways. They're just like the Christian coalition. it starts with the pamphelets, then they single you out on the bus and invite you to listen to some jazz music and next thing you know you're tattooed, naked, and unshaven living in a vw bus. Eh, better than getting suckered into a cult, I guess. Thanks for putting everyone's minds at ease as to her whereabouts. I can sleep now knowing that brianna is alive and smoking weed.


Nina_Dee 62F

7/28/2006 12:18 pm

Been away for a while and the problem is already solved??? I think that you have secretly followed her scent and kept her to yourself in a tent somehwere where you two are are united as one. Either that or you have her in your basement for bountiful pleasures?

If only I were to be Brianna, even with a Smiley as ransom.../COLOR]


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/29/2006 1:14 am:
"If only I were to be Brianna, even with a Smiley as ransom"

So you want to be Brianna? is it being locked in my basement for my nefarious bidding that appeals to you or the fact that she escaped her stiffled, perfect life with a dumpy lesbo and a pimply faced goth chick?

rm_Mandrake_M 62M

7/29/2006 3:45 am

First visit here, Atomic. I got the link on Cats' blog and anyone she recommends is true to form. Brilliant work by a man with more creativity than I've seen for a long time on the blogs. I applaud you.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/29/2006 1:17 pm:
thank you, Mandrake and a great compliment as well. Cats has been so good to me. She's a wonderful woman. there are plenty more writings just like it in store so i hope you come back for more or discover some of my old posts.

WaterBabyRocks 60M

7/29/2006 5:09 am

Cats pointed me here and I'm glad that she did. Wonderful piece. I'm dumbfounded to find one that writes so well.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/29/2006 1:19 pm:
thank you, sir. Cats is a wonderful lady. there are plenty more writings like this so I hope that you stick around to discover more.

Perchance2000 59M

7/29/2006 8:56 am

“Its just such a shame when something like this happens to someone so beautiful…and so white.”

What a blast, with such subtly devious last three words. Thanks to Cats I came by, and . . . what can I say . . . more?


AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/29/2006 1:26 pm:
yes...those three little words are a kick in the pants, aren't they? It goes over well especially since the majority of my readers are pretty to average in looks and many are ethic. Still, they loved the humor. Cats is a wonderful woman. She has been so good to me. Thanks for coming by.

cairnsmale55 107M

7/30/2006 3:01 am

A certain ‘Cat’ lady suggested to drop by and I can see why she made the recommendation!

Perhaps you can do a follow up, what happened and with who, did she enjoy it and will she and Biff be getting back together or is it all over now she has discovered she is bi and how does she keep those teeth so white?


AtomicArtist0 46M
6015 posts
7/30/2006 11:12 am

heh! great suggestions! maybe I will do a follow up but sometimes its best to let the imagination do its work. So many people have so many different ideas as to where she can be and perhaps that is best to let people think on it. Cats has been so good to me and her suggestion is a good one. There are so many other treasures like this one on my blog so I hope you can discover a few more. Thanks for coming by.


velvetgrrrl 40F

8/9/2006 3:14 pm

Pretty little popular white girls go running out into the forest alone for a purpose I tell you. There is just some little programming chip implanted in their necks that go off during their 24th year before they turn 25 to remind them to return to the mother ship.

She wasn't really human, the real B was replaced at birth in the hospital with a droid dropped by a planet of Miss Universe aliens bent on changing the Earth poplace with their perfect women who need our chemically polluted air and water in order to flourish. Then when they go out to the forests of New Hampshire they're picked up by a rescue ship to exchange the real baby who starts to look a little aged and dumpy at 25 with the droid. This is all because the droid has obtained all the Earth air and water needed in order to join the Miss Universe Army to overthrow the galaxy by entering the Galaxy pageant as Queen and determining the fates of Zilions and zillions of stars and planets and systems.

The real B is then returned, dazed like she had been hit in the head with a sharp object or maybe she fell and because of traumatization no one questions the change in appearance or apparent amnesia of her entire life.

Why else do women look so different when they return to their 10 year reunions?

`Velvet
Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/11/2006 8:27 pm:
wow...thats a great theory...and no one else had it.

memeanne74 44F
5991 posts
10/16/2007 2:02 am

You sick nefarious bastard that was funny as hell...a bit Donnie Darko weird and avante garde but seriously freakishly entertaining.

I aim to be as sardonic and pervy...please tell me how !

I like the fact the god damned entire nation , including the "shrub"...can be concerned for a white bred uptight lil bitch...but the rest of the planet can apparently just fuck off.

Amazing and yet so true....you'd have thought she could have used her blinding whiteness and perfect teeth , perky pink nips and gotten anything....smart girl.

Excellent ....you are so bent !

I loved it !

xoxo,
~*Lissa

" I think the quality of sexiness comes from within. It is something that is in you or it isn't and it really doesn't have much to do with breasts or thighs or the pout of your lips."


AtomicArtist0 replies on 10/16/2007 12:38 pm:
"You sick nefarious bastard that was funny as hell...a bit Donnie Darko weird and avante garde but seriously freakishly entertaining."

I like every word used there. One of the better discriptions of my work used in quite awhile, so thank you.

I aim to be as sardonic and pervy...please tell me how ! Well...I don't know how...other than I quietly observe people and I'm not afraid to say what we're all thinking or "point to the elephant in the room" as someone had once mentioned. Every news story is chock full of these hidden truths no one dares mention but it takes special eyes to see them. Some call it brilliant...I just call it good jounalism.

christylovesfun 45F  
16706 posts
3/21/2008 12:19 pm

LOFL!

You should totally send this one to "The Onion!"

Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety. Other women cloy
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
Where most she satisfies. For vilest things
Become themselves in her, that the holy priests
Bless her when she is riggish. ~~ from Antony & Cleopatra


AtomicArtist0 replies on 3/23/2008 8:35 pm:
yeah, I am influenced byt the Onion, I do admit. that and a little Hunter Thompson and some Bukowski. This is one of my fave stories.

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