My Daughter At 917 Kirkland Drive Apt. 4 Can't Keep Her Goddamned Legs Shut  

AtomicArtist0 46M
5236 posts
4/12/2006 8:23 pm

Last Read:
12/2/2010 8:29 pm

My Daughter At 917 Kirkland Drive Apt. 4 Can't Keep Her Goddamned Legs Shut

Its true. My daughter at 917 Kirkland Drive Apt. 4 cant keep her goddamned legs shut. It doesn’t matter if she’s sitting under a tree reading between classes from noon to 1 at Brookfield Community College or if she’s working at the Starbucks on Logan Street on Wednesday and Friday evenings from 4 to 9.

It pisses me off, let me tell ya! As a father, you’d hope that your own daughter would be a little more selective and not gob the knob of every lanky guy with loose jeans, a mop top and tattoos. That seems to be her type. She’ll also stop to talk to any guy walking a cute dog when she’s strolling through Montlake Park on Saturday mornings. Heck, if you’re carrying literature by Bukowski or Kerouac and you have even the most remote knowledge of these guy’s writings, she’ll practically spread her legs for you right then and there on the goddamned grass. I don’t even want to mention what she would do for you if you were listening to Weezer or Blink 182 on your diskman or MP3 player!

While mop tops and tattoos seem to be her type, as she’ll easily take off her favorite black jogging pants, blue knit cap and Adidas sweatshirt for them, she doesn’t stop there. Oh no! She’ll gush in her panties for any guy with a foreign accent. Doesn’t even matter the culture…Irish…British…French…Jamaican. I swear, more than half these guys who approach her seem to be faking their accents! But does she care? No! She’ll gobble their goop anyway!

As a father, I’ve been really concerned for her safety. She’s fucked practically half the guys in her Political Sciences class that meets on Mondays and Wednesdays. I hope its because Political Science is her passion and not because she’s a goddamned slut! She seems to enjoy that subject very much as she can engage in conversation for hours on the stuff, but that doesn’t seem to stop her from fucking a guy or two in her Psychology class on Thursdays. Also, she seems to enjoy beatnik literature, poetry, hiking, and kayaking, so if you enjoy any of those things or at least pretend to like them, then keep your goddamned hands off! Otherwise, she’ll end up on her goddamned back while you and possibly your homies thrust into her every eager hole, pulling her long, blonde pigtails, and maybe even taking pictures to post on the internet…and for Christ’s sakes, I don’t want that!

At least she tends to stay within her age group. At least I have that to be thankful for. Unless, of course, she has had four or five Long Island Iced Teas at the Cha Cha Lounge where she hangs out there with her girlfriends on Saturday nights. Then she doesn’t give a shit who she takes home. Old, bald guys. Dudes with mullets and moustaches. Disco types. Hobos. Nothing matters when she‘s had a few.

I don’t know where she learned her loose morals from. It sure wasn’t from me. Maybe her goddamned slut of a mother! I also suspect that my wife at 14 Westminster Terrace cheats on me whenever I go on my business trips every year in April and Mid-September, but that’s another story entirely.

Concept borrowed from The Onion, but the text is all Atomic.

LilSquirt_4mfm 68M/69F
3394 posts
4/12/2006 8:42 pm

hopin this is a put on ... sure hopin it is ... what with addresses and all, it's gotta be. .... and not funny


AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 10:35 pm:
come on, now...even though i don't know you, you should know better than that. the addresses nor anything else was not real. thanks for coming by anyway.

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
4/12/2006 8:44 pm

This was too funny! You are a pip!

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 10:37 pm:
thank you, angel. thank you.

jamherwithmycock 44M/38F
68 posts
4/12/2006 8:44 pm

why would you tell where she lives, and whay are you so worried? Any you call your wife a slut whay are you looking for pussy then...And your a wacko

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 10:41 pm:
awww...look at these cute newbies tossing their opinions around. They have no idea what I'm all about, do they? Look at da cute wittle newbies dont even know I'm being funny do they? cute widdle things. jamherwithmycock...thats a cute widdle name. coochie coochie coo

singleagain53578 48F

4/12/2006 8:45 pm

I know I am going to have problems with my daughter as well when she gets older. I surely hope not, but I have a LONG time before that will happen. Seeing as she is only 8.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 10:48 pm:
with proper parenting, your daughter will grow up to be a fine, upstanding individual. BTW...the story is not me. its all made up. i have no kids. in case ya didn't know.

so...are ya single?

saddletrampsk 55F

4/12/2006 9:06 pm

Ohhh..I would do those guys a New York minute..

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 10:52 pm:
"Ohhh..I would do those guys a New York minute"

Old, bald guys. Dudes with mullets and moustaches. Disco types. Hobos. heard it here first...saddle would sooo do those guys.

ElizabethAgain 40F

4/12/2006 9:14 pm

Is this a guy thing?
I know its supposed to be funny.
Most of your pieces are.
This made me cringe.

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 10:57 pm:
you write like you know me. have you been on here before? I just never noticed you here before.

whineyblonde0r 55F
140 posts
4/12/2006 9:26 pm

good gawd!!! I would never hazzard to guess what sort of mind can envision a story of this nature for fun and amusement, but I sit in awe of it. The onion has to be the cleverest paper out there. Inspired by? damn man you should be running the whole company. ok..enough kuddos, you already know your talents..look forward to reading on....explain gullible in a future blog...? I almost enjoy that aftermath responses as much. can you get real names...i have some high performing stocks to sell..

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 11:04 pm:
yes, The onion is amazing. Their wit is state-of-the-art. However, as you suggested, I can write for them and even run the place. I also enjoy the aftermath of this. truthfully, whether you know or not...I've been voted funniest male. My regulars think I'm a hoot. I've written some seriously rude shit on this blog and never has anyone gotten so pissed off (or actually believed what was written) until now. I think this post ended up on the hot list and this alluring title roped in all the newbies. they had no idea what to think of me. They had no idea I'n not the old guy in the pic and i have no kids. pretty funny, actually. thanks for stopping by.

BlondieInOz 36F

4/13/2006 12:59 am

" I almost enjoy that aftermath responses as much. can you get real names...i have some high performing stocks to sell.."

lol rof

But ok I agree with Elizabeth, it must be a guy thing.

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 11:10 pm:
would you have said the same thing if i wrote the same article, but replaced the picture with an older woman...and replaced every word that said father with mother? would you have still thought it was a guy thing?

ediesedgewick 59F

4/13/2006 3:57 am

Wow--with a dad like you, she doesn't need to join and adult sex site! Yer always thinkin of her best interests--aren't you, you old sleazy fart???!!! can I get my father to start advertising for me????

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 11:12 pm:
yes...inadvertantly...this dad is getting his hot, nubile, sewually charged daughter a lot of play. why don't you just ask your dad to advertise for you?

southrnpeach333 52F

4/13/2006 5:35 pm

it was like an accident, i couldn't turn away, had to read it all.

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 11:18 pm:
I know what you mean. I felt the same way when I thought of the idea. it was like a hidious car wreck that I couldn't turn away from. thats why its here...and boy did it ever crash.

Looking4sex44240 55F

4/13/2006 7:20 pm

I can't believe she is telling you, who she is having sex with. Maybe your watching her, now that's weird. So grateful I have a son, that is more concerned about getting threw college, then having sex with anyone. He's not gay, career is more important to him.

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 11:23 pm:
I'm grateful you have a son who is concerned about getting through college as well. It'll do him a lot of good. As someone who had made it through college myself, I could point out your spelling and grammar errors...but I won't. I make them myself.

ArtisticTwist75 42F
2505 posts
4/13/2006 9:20 pm

Atomic - If only all of blogland understood the meaning of the words "Dry Wit"


AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 11:27 pm:
Thank you!! that's what I was just thinking. I've written a lot of funny and rude stuff on this blog and never has anyone gotten so upset. My regular readers think I'm a hoot. its just all the newbies who didn't know any better. Will you be a regular of mine? I like your name. it has Artist in it...ya can't be all that bad.


4/13/2006 9:39 pm

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/14/2006 8:28 pm:

n0tatalker 40M

4/13/2006 9:46 pm

I just got it! lol... I'm retarded!

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/13/2006 11:28 pm:
yeah...I just got it, too. And by "it" you do mean ice cream, right?

rm_art_persists 53M
1789 posts
4/13/2006 11:36 pm

I'll be in her neighbourhood soon

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/14/2006 8:30 pm:
bring a Bukowski book and a cute puppy.

ArtisticTwist75 42F
2505 posts
4/14/2006 2:36 am

Atomic - I fully intend to be a regular... I don't think you could keep me away.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/14/2006 8:32 pm:
ohh wow. thank you. there are those you just know you'd get along with right away. I think thats what we have here. thank you.

Looking4sex44240 55F

4/14/2006 8:25 am

Did I say I was in college, no...I know my grammer sucks lol but thanks for pointing it out.

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/14/2006 8:33 pm:

if it makes you feel better, when I did my SATs, 60% of the population did better than me at math.

spinmedown 50M
3626 posts
4/14/2006 3:58 pm

The fish are biting hard on this one, my friend.
Well done!

And let me know if you write anything for TheOnion.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/14/2006 8:36 pm:
yes, I lured them all in hook, line, and sinker...but they don't seem to happy about it. Luckily, you know me better.

LustyTaurus 50M
21253 posts
4/14/2006 4:00 pm

hahaha...every father's nightmare and every young man's dream...I have officially upgraded you from "Not Bad" "Steadily Improving"


FYI...we need your help with something...

It's about [blog purrykitty2]





AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/14/2006 8:45 pm:
I don't know the man and have never been out to his blog until today...but when it comes to getting a socialite out of her Prada, I'm always willing to help a brother out. He's got my vote.


4/14/2006 10:17 pm

Did ya see I voted for you to be on the Men of Blogland calender? I wanna see you wearin nothin but a candy cane!

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/15/2006 10:03 pm:
i did see that! thank you. I don't know how thats going to work, but I presume they'll tell me.

rm_mm0206 70F
7767 posts
4/14/2006 10:53 pm

If only all the men in the world were as well equipt with a sense of humor as you are AA...
we would all be snorting milk out our nose.

your humor is unpredictable and grossly under valued
Of course I love it..
have a wonderful weekend!

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/15/2006 10:06 pm:
if all men in the world were as well equipt with my sense of humor, I wouldn't be so unique. Sometimes I do snort milk out my nose.

once again, thank you for your warm and thoughtful comments.

ArtisticTwist75 42F
2505 posts
4/15/2006 2:18 am

Just read it again... It's bloggy beautiful... had to laugh.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/15/2006 10:01 pm:
wow...a dedicated reader...and one that wasn't fooled by this, no less. thank you so much.

jamherwithmycock 44M/38F
68 posts
4/17/2006 9:51 am

when i relized who it was.....gee wiz, what an idiot!!!

AtomicArtist0 replies on 4/17/2006 12:31 pm:
yeah, I do like to pull stunts like this. I'm such a stinker. Thanks for stopping by again.

skyking412004 55M
5363 posts
5/1/2006 10:20 pm

_____I was talking to looking4sex about this particular blog. She said she thought it was real at first, and commented as such, only realizing later that it was an Atomic hoax. I laughed my ass off (If only i really could laugh at least some of it off.) Bravo, you old fart!!! (What city does she live in?)

AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/1/2006 10:40 pm:
I don't know how so many people got taken in by the hoax. looking4 is a usual reader by now, so she shouldn't have gotten taken in, but did. It is pretty funny. I don't know what town she lives in, but if you look up every 917 kirkland drive apt 4, I'm sure you'll get lucky. or if you prefer the older MILF type, 14 westminster terrace is waiting for you.

skyking412004 55M
5363 posts
5/2/2006 5:36 pm

_____I can't afford to be too picky. I'd go for either.

rm_yukonpaul 52M
1120 posts
5/4/2006 8:03 pm

It's difficult to believe that some would be fooled by this. This is only the 2nd post of yours that I have read, but I figured it out. I love 'dry humor'!

AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 9:38 pm:
I said the same thing myself. Thanks Yukon and welcome to my blog

WaterBabyRocks 60M

7/31/2006 3:41 am

Amazing that people would take to being insulted-Geez man, this post is totally hilarious. As I'm sure your others are

AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/31/2006 12:30 pm:
yes, this one amazed me too. how could anyone get pissed? Even being new you'd have to know this was a fake. Oh well, some people are just gullible. I enjoyed their reactions nonetheless.

cuteNEway 42F

7/31/2006 9:13 am

Damn you! I almost pissed my pants reading this one you sick bastid! I'm gonna have to go to Seattle and shag ya rotten....LOVE a sick sense of humor

AtomicArtist0 replies on 7/31/2006 12:31 pm:
shag me rotten? oh do behave, baby, yeah!

Djeeper1987 48M

8/22/2006 9:26 pm

God damn man

Carpe Diem

AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/23/2006 7:26 pm:
yeah...I know, I know.

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