Another Crass Horoscope, You Stinkin' Drunks  

AtomicArtist0 46M
5236 posts
9/1/2006 9:33 pm

Last Read:
11/4/2006 6:03 pm

Another Crass Horoscope, You Stinkin' Drunks

No one looks forward to their monthly visitor, unless said monthly visitor happens to be the balls out, tour de force, kick in the pants phenomenon known as the Crass Horoscopes….Blogland’s only monthly feature where you ask for gross misfortune and you get it in abundance. It’s the first of the month and rent is due to The Man and they just banned cheap alcohol in my neighborhood. This means instead of panhandling for small chance, the hobos around here have to get more aggressive and chase you down for large bills. Well, as always, leave your comments here to get your very own personal crass horoscope reading. In the meantime I’m going to stand on the corner and hustle some scratch. I’ve always wanted to try the 1992 Dom Perignon.

Aries March 21-April 20 You’d think with your fame and notoriety you’d be richer and live a more fulfilling lifestyle, but being the four time state fair pie eating champion is just not as prestigious as you had imagined.

Taurus April 21-May 21 As a dyslexic and an egotist, you'll soon lie awake many nights pondering if Shaquille O'Neal ever wonders about the size of your penis.

Gemini May 22-June 21 Deemed a planet in 1930, then very recently stripped of its name and reduced to dwarf status by arguing scientists, Pluto now sits shamefully outcast at the edge of our solar system. You will suffer a similar fate as events unfold next Wednesday.

Cancer June 22-July 23 In a bout of high spirits, you and your house guests will decide to watch the beloved animated classic "The House on Pooh Corner". All goes well until they discover you have created your own Poo Corner in your wine cellar.

Leo July 24-August 23 After a heated argument at dinner concerning the proper placement of the salad fork, you'll learn, without a doubt, that it's rightful place is lodged deeply into your left cornea.

Virgo August 24-September 23 Of course Daddy loves you, sweetheart, but daddy loves gin too. What’s wrong with Daddy loving both of you? Come here and give Daddy a hug.

Libra September 24-October 23 While many successful stock brokers and real estate agents do their business in Aruba, more often than not, you do your business in your pants.

Scorpio October 24-November 22 You'll prove your dear mother wrong when she suggests that you and your friends are coming over just to use her as a doormat when you and your friends come over and use her as a punching bag instead.

Sagittarius November 23-December 21 You’ve told yourself that no matter how well you do in life you’ll never forget the little people…a statement proven to be a farce as you haven’t thought of midgets in months.

Capricorn December 22- January 20 In a time of reflection you'll come to the conclusion that you hardly know the man you've woken up next to for the past twelve years, nor will you understand why he is wearing a rainbow clown wig.

Aquarius January 21- February 19 You’ll be sorely disappointed when you purchase a porno video next week. The situations depicted on the box are not even in the movie and being just three uninspired scenes long, its hardly the cocksucking rampage the title had promised.

Pisces February 20-March 20 While it may take an entire village to raise a child you'll soon learn that it takes only one child to raze a village.


rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
9/1/2006 9:59 pm

How did you KNOW? Damn...
(capricorn)

What a bozo, too.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 9:36 am:
A liscenced astrologer knows all...me, on the other hand am just a crass jerk. staying true to form, here is your...

personal reading for 1hotwahine

Capricorn December 22- January 20This week marks the fourth time you've had to fake your own death and relocate; a feat that could have been avoided entirely if only you'd pay for cable.

Lemondrop15484u 55F
4816 posts
9/1/2006 11:01 pm

That's what happens when you get old (you do your business in your pants) LMAO. Libra


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 9:42 am:
yes, that does happen...and unfortunately for you, so does this...

personal reading for Lemondrop15484u

Libra September 24-October 23 There’s just nothing better than a nice long soak in a hot tub. Thanks to your severe gastrointestinal disorder, the bubbles just keep coming even after you turn the jets off.

QueenofBitches69 48F

9/1/2006 11:04 pm

Sorry, but that is 5 time pie eating champ thank you very much!


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 9:59 am:
oh well excuse me, Miss Five Time Pie Eating Champ! With credentials like that, you get only the best horoscope reading ever. This one demonstrates one of your other talents besides scoffing down pie after pie. read it and weep, Keylime!

personal reading for QueenofBitches69

Aries March 21-April 20Desperate declarations of "please, Im have too much horny" has not been your best pick up line as a Mexican prostitute. Your ability to shoot ping-pong balls out of your snatch will be your real money maker with these tourists.

catseyes23 62F

9/1/2006 11:06 pm

Feline Fatale

Caresses
A
ttentively
Teases
Seductively.

November please. ?*


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 10:07 am:
sure, you may be attentive and seductive and whatnot, but thats not going to help you with this month's horoscope. Not in the least.

personal reading for catseyes23

Scorpio October 24-November 22A bout of drunkenness and depravity finds you waking up in a puddle of your own puke by the end of this weekend. Upon further inspection, you are appalled to learn that the puke is not your own after all.

catseyes23 62F

9/2/2006 2:06 am

    Quoting catseyes23:
    Feline Fatale

    Caresses
    Attentively
    Teases
    Seductively.

    November please. ?*
Scorpio, that is!


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 10:10 am:
I got you the first time. Are you trying to fish for another reading? Isn't it enough that I sometimes bend you over the coffee table and show you who's boss? Don't pretend you don't like it.

Nina_Dee 62F

9/2/2006 3:09 am

Oh my poor dear mum!
What's in the cards for Scorpio then?


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 10:15 am:
your poor dear mum is right...especially since she raised a depraved perv like you. Speaking of which, here is your...

personal reading for Nina_Dee

Scorpio October 24-November 22Thanks to a new circle of friends, you will make the uncanny transformation over the next few weeks from the nice lady in accounts payable to the bad girl of German scat porn.

wow...now that's depraved.

cuteNEway 42F

9/2/2006 4:44 am

EEEWWW I KNEW them boogers were up to SOMETHING when they went downstairs...

(glad to see you back baby!)


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 10:21 am:
who said that was left down there by your kids? and speaking of disappointing the kids, here is your...

personal reading for cuteNEway

Cancer June 22-July 23There has never been a fatal incident at your local zoo since they had opened, however your new air horn and lion costume will soon change all that.

LaVadaLicious 55F  
2770 posts
9/2/2006 6:42 am

I knew I should have just made my own porn instead of blowing my money on that premade crap..



Stop in and Sign The Guest Book


~~~~


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 10:30 am:
yes, premade crap is just no good. speaking of premade crap, here is your...

personal reading for hotnsultrybbw

Aquarius January 21- February 19Curiosity will get the best of you this week as you'll soon realize that once you've googled images of a girl taking a 26 foot long poo in a bowling ally, you really can never unsee them.

multitasksextoy 60M  
3511 posts
9/2/2006 8:36 am

I don't remember waking up with any men,but i could have been in a black out and if he was wearing a clown wig I would hope I was in a black-out.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 10:41 am:
I'd hope you were in a blackout as well. If John Wayne Gacy is any indicator, waking up next to a guy in a clown wig is probably not a pleasant experience...but neither is this...well, maybe...

personal reading for rawhide582

Capricorn December 22- January 20 As fate would have it and when all is said and done, you will be left with exactly what every man wants: two missing ribs, a broken neck, and a moustache.

PrincessKarma 45F
6188 posts
9/2/2006 8:44 am

I'm feeling childish, today...

Yep... I looooove childish innocence *hides the can of gas*


The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 10:49 am:
well, since you're holding that can of gas...

personal reading for PrincessKarma

Pisces February 20-March 20 The stars declare that it is high time to change your appearance and the environment you live in. Lucky for you, you'll do just that shortly after falling asleep while smoking in bed.

rm_bucfannn 62M/61F
2110 posts
9/2/2006 12:59 pm

Virgo for me, sweets. My birthday, (the BIG ONE), is on the 14th.

Be gentle to the old bag, please....


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 11:01 am:
hey, I'm a Virgo, too! My birthday is September 17th. hear that everyone? September 17th. yep. But what makes you think that just because its your birthday this month, I'm a fellow Virgo and because you asked me to be nice that I will? Come on now, you've been around here long enough to know that doesn't work. Ah, there are so many nasty horoscopes to choose from. I think I'll go with this...

personal reading for bucfannn

Virgo August 24-September 23 One of Newton's Laws of Gravity states that "what goes up, must come down". Easier said than done. Try telling that to the banana you've had firmly lodged in your colon for the past week and a half.

skyking412004 55M
5363 posts
9/2/2006 2:52 pm

_____It's almost as if you did Aries just for me. Sadly, I realize that there are a lot of other people who just love to eat pie. I know I'm being stereotypical, but I think more guys do than women. MMMMMnnn!!! Cherry Pie!!! (I'm sorry, that wasn't very imaginative. It's the best I've got now. Sorry.)


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 11:12 am:
How do you know I didn't write Aries just for you? I become aware of the astrological signs of many of my steady readers and for a guy who quite obviously enjoys pie in abundance that reading only makes perfect sense. Just like that whole girlscout...ballgag one made perfect sense for you last month. And here is yet another reading for you that is disturbingly too close to real life...

personal reading for skyking412004

Aries March 21-April 20 Your ability to distinguish between monkeys, apes, chimps, baboons, and mandrills will be instrumental in telling the zookeepers what happened to you.

LaVadaLicious 55F  
2770 posts
9/2/2006 5:14 pm

YOU HAVE BEEN FUCKED!
Spread the legs and go at it! Pick any of your friends
And FUCK THEM! This is for any one you think is hot!

RULES:
1- You can fuck the person who fucked you, of course.
2- You can fuck the same person as many times as you
Can (c'mon, ENDURANCE)! Be creative!*
3- You -MUST- spread the sex! At least 1 fuck is fine
And dandy!
4- You should fuck in public! Be adventurous, damn it.
Paste it on their user page so they feel sluttish!
5- Random sex is perfectly okay!
6- Please, don't worry about same gender fucking, it's
HOT.
7- You should most definitely get started fuckin'
Right away!

This is about showing everyone how much you care for
Them and HOW BAD YOU WANT THEM! Make everyone feel a
Little loved! Please don't take this too personally,
BUT I JUST FUCKED YOU LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!



Stop in and Sign The Guest Book


~~~~


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 11:21 am:
um....hmmmmm...was it good for you, too?

velvetgrrrl 40F

9/2/2006 10:43 pm

But But But...I don't even have a cellar!

Oh poo!

`Velvet
Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 11:31 am:
you don't have a cellar? then where exactly did you create your poo corner? no matter, here is your equally unfortunate...

personal reading for velvetgrrrl

Cancer June 22-July 23You've landed a great new job as a Public Administrator. Congradulations to you! However, your pride in your new position dampens as you learn that the job doesn't involve giving enemas in front of huge crowds.

WaterBabyRocks 60M

9/2/2006 11:15 pm

There goes any plans for raising children down the drain.
The little blighters.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 11:37 am:
yes, the little blighters indeed. Um...speaking of children...

personal reading for WaterBabyRocks

Pisces February 20-March 20 They can take away your home, your job at the middle school, and your freedom. They can even take away your life through lethal injection, but no one can take away your memories of a thousand beautiful boys dancing for your amusement.

waerlookin4fun 51M/47F

9/3/2006 12:51 am

well hell, I knew there was something wrong with my pants....

libra


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/3/2006 11:44 am:
and speaking of soiling your pants, here is your...

personal reading for waerlookin4fun

Libra September 24-October 23 Sure the population of that particular town is small, but it'll still prove overwhelming when every last resident of Homer, Alaska wishes you dead.

QueenofBitches69 48F

9/3/2006 1:02 pm

"Aries March 21-April 20Desperate declarations of "please, Im have too much horny" has not been your best pick up line as a Mexican prostitute. Your ability to shoot ping-pong balls out of your snatch will be your real money maker with these tourists."

But I am not making as much money as you think with shootin ping-pong balls out my snatch, I keep losing the balls! Ya know they aren't cheap! Maybe I should hire a Ball Catcher?


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/4/2006 5:43 pm:
heh!...ball catcher! HAH!!

spinmedown 50M
3626 posts
9/3/2006 7:23 pm

Hot Damn and Hallelujah!!!

I got back in time for a horoscope!

Libra--the incontinent one.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/4/2006 5:52 pm:
Hot Damn and Hallelujah is right!!!

Spin!!!


Welcome back my man! I have only the very best horoscope reserved for you. Its intelligent and poetic...just like you. Enjoy.

personal reading for spinmedown

Libra September 24-October 23 You'll never forget the time you've slipped the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of God...only God was just the guy who sleeps behind Krispy Kreme and that wasn't his face you were touching.

spinmedown 50M
3626 posts
9/3/2006 7:25 pm

And I'd rather have a case of the Clap, than a case of the '92 Dom Perignon.

I guess it Depends....

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/4/2006 5:53 pm:
Depends...did you just slip in another incontinent joke, you dog you?

welcome back my friend.

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
9/4/2006 4:34 pm

If you get some strange people stopping by your blog, it's not my fault. I only do what the voices tell me to ...


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/4/2006 6:05 pm:
I always have strange people coming to my blog. some even claim that they're God. Speaking of strange...

personal reading for kelli4u2dew

Your hot bath with a bottle of the finest red wine, scented candles, soothing oils, bath salts, and floating rose pedals seemed a lot more romantic before you puked in the tub.

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
9/4/2006 6:17 pm

personal reading for kelli4u2dew

Your hot bath with a bottle of the finest red wine, scented candles, soothing oils, bath salts, and floating rose pedals seemed a lot more romantic before you puked in the tub.


LOL!!! I never could handle my brownies.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/4/2006 6:21 pm:
I saw that post just a second ago...you so crazy!

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
9/4/2006 10:17 pm


AtomicArtist replies on 9/4/2006 7:21 pm:
I saw that post just a second ago...you so crazy!


You're a good mentor.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/5/2006 10:50 pm:
thanks dear. I try.

QueenofBitches69 48F

9/5/2006 2:36 am

I need you to do me a favor....... [post 496252]


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/5/2006 10:59 pm:
yes, I sent my kind words. thanks for letting me know.

MOfunNOWWOW 56F

9/5/2006 6:50 pm

That mouth of my MOM's...
Scorpio


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/5/2006 11:03 pm:
that'll teah her to mouth off again.

personal reading for MOfunNOWWOW

Scorpio October 24-November 22You'll soon break one of the Ten Commandments, but not exactly in the way they meant, when you covet thy neighbor's ass.

MOfunNOWWOW 56F

9/6/2006 6:19 am

Here is the Land of BLOGS..you're my neighbor


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/6/2006 12:43 pm:
wow...that's so hot! and you're no slouch yourself, neighbor.

rm_arvada2007 48F
13 posts
9/6/2006 3:28 pm

Poor lil Pluto ice chunk, wow...i know how it feels! xoxo


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/8/2006 8:47 pm:
awww shucks...thats so sad...now you're going to make me feel bad about laying this on you...

personal reading for arvada2007

Gemini May 22-June 21Very much to the dismay of all the other passengers in coach, you'll very graphically illustrate where that expression "shit-eating grin" comes from.

rm_AnOddGirl 58F
3469 posts
9/7/2006 11:31 am

Um, I so DO NOT need a sharp stick/fork/anything in my eye...

lol


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/8/2006 8:53 pm:
what...that doesn't make you happy? well neither will this...

personal reading for AnOddGirl

Leo July 24-August 23You’ll feel equally surprised and unsettled when Dick Cheney calls to invite you on a hunting trip.

LadytoPleaseYou 65F
5447 posts
9/8/2006 12:35 pm

You my daddy???? Virgo

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/8/2006 9:03 pm:
well...um...sure.

personal reading for LadytoPleaseYou

Virgo August 24-September 23Be careful what you ask for this week. Just be warned that your little prank can backfire when they'll actually deliver you a pizza with extra dick cheese.

rm_AnOddGirl 58F
3469 posts
9/9/2006 2:13 am

AtomicArtist replies on 9/8/2006 10:53 pm:
what...that doesn't make you happy? well neither will this...
personal reading for AnOddGirl
Leo July 24-August 23You’ll feel equally surprised and unsettled when Dick Cheney calls to invite you on a hunting trip.


Hey, I KNOW enough to stand back to back with Him!!! LOL


rm_AnOddGirl 58F
3469 posts
9/9/2006 11:03 am

    Quoting spinmedown:
    Hot Damn and Hallelujah!!!

    I got back in time for a horoscope!

    Libra--the incontinent one.
Spin, wth ya been. I see how ya are, come see AA but didn't visit me!!!

Glad to see you - Anywhere!!


rm_arvada2007 48F
13 posts
9/11/2006 1:22 pm

    Quoting rm_arvada2007:
    Poor lil Pluto ice chunk, wow...i know how it feels! xoxo
oh great atomic!!! i'm flying on friday! dang it all anyway!


rm_mm0206 70F
7767 posts
9/11/2006 7:27 pm

Here I be.... you know how I want it Atomic...

just between us ... ignore all those asshats

and make me feel like a natural woman....~giggles~....
I saw you in that last video....Gawd what a man...

passionate hugs.....m.


sooolongsuckers 42M

9/15/2006 10:04 am

And now the clues are getting tough
perhaps you must go ask lynnbluff
Then read these comments down the line
She has a birthday same as mine


rm_dosrev 40M
1991 posts
9/15/2006 2:28 pm

Hmmmm thats a tricky clue Mr. Sooo, but you won't evade me for long.

"Enough of this palaver, lets get the show on the road!"
"The best thing about a day like that is that it can't get any worse. It was a bad day AND a Monday. The rest of the week has to be better." - Hotandsteamygirl


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