Another Crass Horoscope, You Depraved Drooling Dorks  

AtomicArtist0 46M
5236 posts
6/2/2006 12:28 pm

Last Read:
2/19/2007 11:27 pm

Another Crass Horoscope, You Depraved Drooling Dorks

Is it possible to dispense horoscopes of gross misfortune and try to conduct a good deed all at the same time? This month, that is exactly what I will attempt to do. Like the tides, the first of the month has arrived. Rent is due to “The Man” and your comments are due here. This can also be a time of turmoil for some. Also like the tides, this post gets me the most amount of readers per month. That is why I will try to use what little power and influence I have to help a friend and fellow blogger in desperate turmoil. As always, leave your comment here to get your own nasty and crass horoscope…and while you‘re at it, why not check out cuteNEway‘s blog and her post Would You Be A Whore. Offer whatever support you are capable of whether it be words of encouragement, advice, or…anything else. I‘m sure she will appreciate your thoughts.

Aries March 21-April 20 Your doctor, anesthesiologist, nurse, receptionist, and everyone else in the emergency ward will scoff at your cheap tastes in consumer goods when they extract that store brand jar of grape jelly from your colon.

Taurus April 21-May 21 No matter what you do this month, every outcome will inevitably lead to you scaling the harrowing Mountains of Madness and tipping over the Cauldron of Doom thereby pissing off The High Priest of The Serpent Cult.

Gemini May 22-June 21 As a lazy stalker, you will embrace technology and spend the better part of the month monitoring your ex's house from satellite images viewed online. But much to your dismay, as you zoom in close, you see your own self being thrown out onto the lawn with all your belongings letting you know that the images are over a year old.

Cancer June 22-July 23 As they transport your peaceful, sleeping body out of the building and past befuddled onlookers, you'll soon have the distinction of being the first person ever to be escorted out of a PTA meeting via use of a tranquilizer dart.

Leo July 24-August 23 Many deep sea excursions meet with untimely disaster, but yours will suffer the death of all hands before even leaving Denver.

Virgo August 24-September 23 In spite of your valiant efforts to be known as The Space Cowboy, The Gangster of Love or Maurice, people will continue to just call you Tubby.

Libra September 24-October 23 While seemingly needless and uncomfortable at the time, you'll be fortunate to have undergone recent dental work as that will be the only way they'll identify you when they find you later this week.

Scorpio October 24-November 22 If sticking a pair of socks down the front of your pants impresses the babes, just imagine what cramming the entire sock drawer will do for you.

Sagittarius November 23-December 21 Once again you'll feel the drudgery of personal rejection when you fail to find a roller coaster that will accommodate your wheel chair and Batman cape.

Capricorn December 22- January 20 McDonald’s is working toward cleaning up its image in order to appeal to a more hip, trimmer, health conscious clientele. This will result in a forensics team discovering the nude, lifeless bodies of you and Mayor McCheese in a Florida motel room.

Aquarius January 21- February 19 The only thing that is stronger than your powerful, insatiable thirst for gin is your powerful, insatiable thirst for cock.

Pisces February 20-March 20 Sure that one hot dog was good, but you wont rest until you've shamelessly scoffed down 47 more in under six minutes.


LaVadaLicious 55F  
2770 posts
6/2/2006 12:46 pm

heh, If only I could find an establishment where I could have a shot of gin in one hand and a cock in the other at the same time.. hmmmmmmm



Stop in and Sign The Guest Book


~~~~


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/2/2006 7:13 pm:
I believe there is a gay man's club just down the street from me that has that. And now for this...

personal reading for hotnsultrybbw

Aquarius January 21- February 19Thanks to an amazing glitch in the Powerball counting system there will be an unprecedented record number of winners this week proving that you...and only you will be wrong.

saddletrampsk 55F

6/2/2006 2:21 pm

Cancer June 22-July 23 As they transport your peaceful, sleeping body out of the building and past befuddled onlookers, you'll soon have the distinction of being the first person ever to be escorted out of a PTA meeting via use of a tranquilizer dart.

Shit..again?

I look so forward to this every month..kinda like my period..


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/2/2006 7:24 pm:
I bet you're not the only one who looks forward to your period every month. On that note...

Personal Reading for saddletrampsk

Cancer June 22-July 23Like the apes, our closest animal cousins, you too will find great joy this week in eating bananas, public masturbation, slinging poo, and humping anything with a bright red ass.

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
6/2/2006 3:00 pm

I could do Mayor McCheese. As long as he's not a Republican. Anyway, I hear he has great chicken fingers.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/2/2006 7:29 pm:
You'd do Mayor McCheese? Thats disturbing. But then again, so is this...

personal reading for 1hotwahine

Capricorn December 22- January 20Your hot bath with a bottle of the finest red wine, scented candles, soothing oils, bath salts, and floating rose pedals seemed a lot more romantic before you puked in the tub.

caressmewell 54F

6/2/2006 3:11 pm

Aries March 21-April 20 Your doctor, anesthesiologist, nurse, receptionist, and everyone else in the emergency ward will scoff at your cheap tastes in consumer goods when they extract that store brand jar of grape jelly from your colon.

Hey!....you promised not to tell anyone...damn!


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/2/2006 7:32 pm:
yeah...I know. They're STILL laughing about it, too. I also promised I wouldn't tell anyone about this...

personal reading for caressmewell

Aries March 21-April 20You're so shallow you won't even realize that the cable installer you'll seduce into a sexual thrusting frenzy will be your own husband in a blonde mullet wig.

Looking4sex44240 55F

6/2/2006 3:51 pm

Libra September 24-October 23 While seemingly needless and uncomfortable at the time, you'll be fortunate to have undergone recent dental work as that will be the only way they'll identify you when they find you later this week. I think I'll wait lol...Shame on you for being late, I'm sure everyone would agree we can't wait to see what you write.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/2/2006 7:37 pm:
I posted at lunchtime on the first of the month. About 36 hours later, they finally decide to load my post. It happens sometimes but sucks when its the horoscopes. So here is what you've been waiting for...

personal reading for Looking4sex44240

Libra September 24-October 23Its usually not like you to share, especially in such classy company, but the record breaking prize you'll leave in the bathroom stall at Tres Gaudi will have you showing everyone in the whole damn restaurant.

rm_mm0206 70F
7767 posts
6/2/2006 3:55 pm

sheeeessshhhh
you knew didnt you
gin and grapefruit, breakfast of champions...

as far as my insatiable hunger, fixated and albeit obsessed, for cock what do you suggest, Atomic?

Maybe I should join a convent, then I could stay on my knees for an acceptable reason.
I know you will have something smug to say, but I have tried to wean myself from you. and damnit I havent failed at that too.

hugs, gropes and teasing licks
...m.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/2/2006 7:45 pm:
You've tried to wean yourself from me? Sorry to hear. But that will be impossible once you read your own horoscope. I know I say I write personal horoscopes but not always...but with your poetic flair and your intellect, I truely had this one in mind for you as I wrote it. Enjoy.

personal reading for mm0206

Aquarius January 21- February 19You'll never forget the time you've slipped the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of God...only God was just the guy who sleeps behind Krispy Kreme and that wasn't his face you were touching.

cuteNEway 42F

6/2/2006 6:04 pm

*CANCER* ummm PTA? are you reading my DISTANT future??

tee hee

OH and thank you for your support and shameless solicitation of support for me!! It's good to know I have someone looking out for me! I shall call you my Guardian Imp


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/2/2006 8:09 pm:
glad I can help out and hopefully this will all turn out ok for you. You know, when I originally wrote this horoscope it was supposed to be funny, but its all too fitting and hopefully will bring you fortune. Anything you need...let me know.

personal reading for cuteNEway

Cancer June 22-July 23Sometimes good things come in small packages. You'll be happy to find a long overdue small increase in your pay when your state raises its minimum wage.

TTigerAtty 63M

6/2/2006 6:36 pm

Scorpio October 24-November 22 If sticking a pair of socks down the front of your pants impresses the babes, just imagine what cramming the entire sock drawer will do for you.

I use a couple of those thick calf-length woolen socks. Makes a nice bulge!


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/2/2006 8:17 pm:
ahhh! calf length socks...thats the secret. But doesn't the wool make you itch? Speaking of itching...

personal reading for TTigerAtty

Scorpio October 24-November 22Sometimes its the little things that affect us the most...for example, tinea cruris, the tiny jock itch spores currently ravaging your balls and making them itch like hell.

rm_AnOddGirl 58F
3469 posts
6/2/2006 6:53 pm

Okay, I'm far from Denver, but that deep sea excursion scares me a little. New Orleans, the New New Venice, gadzooks!



Odds


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/2/2006 8:23 pm:
ahhh...yes...the joke about the deep sea excursions probably hit a little too close to...um...never mind. Hopefully this one will be a little more far fetched...

personal reading for AnOddGirl

Leo July 24-August 23After a short stint as a gourmet cook and an office assistant this month, you will simply go back to doing what you do best and what you enjoy most...blasting midgets with a fire hose.

skyking412004 54M
5363 posts
6/2/2006 8:47 pm

_____I figured if I ate it anally, it would digest quicker. Little was I to know that the glass and metal would remain intact. (Honest.) "With a name like Smucker's, it has to be good."


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/3/2006 4:15 pm:
yes, with a name like smuckers, it has to be good. Not so true for your horoscope...

personal reading for skyking412004

Aries March 21-April 20While large and unwieldy, your decision to play the tuba as your musical instrument of choice will prove to be a great way to hide your man-boobs as you march in this year's parade.

rm_art_persists 53M
1789 posts
6/2/2006 8:48 pm

So... Puking Elvis is a Pisces too


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/3/2006 4:20 pm:
I guess so...as he is more than capable of scoffing down 48 hot dogs and then some. Speaking of scoffing down hot dogs, here is your...

personal reading for art_persists

Pisces February 20-March 20Look on the bright side...at least you make a lot of people very, very happy whenever you drop the soap.

waerlookin4fun 51M/47F

6/2/2006 10:22 pm

dammit, did you have to include the dentist in the libras horoscope????? I hate the dentist, they terrify me.....can you say xanax and laughing gas


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/3/2006 4:25 pm:
so the dentist terrifies you, huh? well, this isn't going to make things any better...

personal reading for waerlookin4fun

Libra September 24-October 23You've seen a lot of things in your day, but you could have gone your whole life without seeing the homeless guy split his pants in half just as he bends over to puke.

rm_mm0206 70F
7767 posts
6/2/2006 10:45 pm

But he kept saying "bless you my child"
well...
between the moans



~~smiles sweetly~~
...m.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/3/2006 4:27 pm:
heh! funny...or so you thoght that what he was saying...as you were "slipping the surly bonds of Earth" at the time, you could have been pretty high or drunk laying there in the ally.

rm_AnOddGirl 58F
3469 posts
6/3/2006 1:15 am

Yes, my second reading fits me to a 'T', scary huh?

LOL



Odds


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/3/2006 4:35 pm:
strangly, I hear that many of my crass horoscopes fit some folks to a T.

MissAnnThrope 57F
11488 posts
6/3/2006 2:22 pm

For once, my horoscope looks fun! They're going to hit me with the tranquilizer dart when they discover I'm no one's mother, just at the PTA meeting to make waves, right? COOL!


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/3/2006 4:39 pm:
...and this is why they had to hit you with the tranq dart in the first place...

personal reading for MissAnnThrope

Cancer June 22-July 23A doctor’s visit confirms this week that all this time, your violent moods have been fueled by the same chemical that effects rageoholics…sweet, sweet rageohol.

LustyTaurus 49M
21253 posts
6/3/2006 2:45 pm

Taurus April 21-May 21 No matter what you do this month, every outcome will inevitably lead to you scaling the harrowing Mountains of Madness and tipping over the Cauldron of Doom thereby pissing off The High Priest of The Serpent Cult.

That's pretty much true every month!!!...LOL...I love what you do here every month Atomic...thanks for doing it...


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/3/2006 4:42 pm:
...and thanks for coming out here every month. But will you be happy about this?

personal reading for LustyTaurus

Taurus April 21-May 21 For doing what they do, the guys from Puppetry of the Penis get a sizable grant from the Endowment of the Arts and an impressive fan base. For trying to do the same thing, you'll get slapped with a breathalyzer test and a weekend in jail.

multitasksextoy 60M  
3511 posts
6/3/2006 5:29 pm

Never could handle Rotten Ronnie's,that food is way beyond adventures. :-
&


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/3/2006 9:47 pm:
way beyond adventures, eh? and unfortunately for you so is this...

personal reading for rawhide582

Capricorn December 22- January 20Granted you're not the most technologically advanced person around, but it was still pretty ignorant of you to try to fax a slice of pizza to your buddy Dave.

PrincessKarma 44F
6188 posts
6/4/2006 7:22 pm

Hot dogs?

Ew...


The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


AtomicArtist0 replies on 6/6/2006 12:36 pm:
so...don't like hot dogs, eh? Then you probably won't like this either.

personal reading for PrincessKarma

Pisces February 20-March 20Granted being stuck in an elevator for any length of time can be a frustrating and harrowing experience, but don’t you think you should have waited more than a few minutes before resorting to cannibalism?

AtomicArtist0 46M
6015 posts
6/24/2006 8:52 pm

yep...they just might. Sorry. As this is almost a month after the fact, I have no horoscopes written down. but see me next time and you know I'll have a good one for ya.


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