9 posts
9/5/2006 2:19 am

Last Read:
10/24/2006 10:16 pm


I've been drowning myself with music, movies, video games. But still nothing. It's hard for me to sleep these days. My body clock's really messed up. You see the time? I woke up really late yesterday. How late you ask? Hmm...let's just say that I sleep at dawn and wake up at dusk. And it's not really full sleep, half asleep.

Do you ever feel like something's missing? Something you can't quite get. Like there's this something at the back of your head, though you can't quite figure it out. You don't know what it is really. Well, this is different. I know what's missing. I feel crippled at times. I try not to think about how my life is right now. When I think about it, I think of everything we had, shared, etc. It's this bittersweet feeling that I get. I smile, laugh and sad. So what do I do? I drown myself with everything I can think of. I download and watch movies. I listen to music. I play video games. For what you ask? Distraction. It's been a while since I wrote here. Two weeks to be exact. Things have changed and some stayed the same. The fact that my situation is just the worst thing. At times it feels like I'm being tied up and there is nothing I can do about things, which is really what is happening. There is nothing I can do about it, but to deal with it.

I have faced reality, though it is not sweet nor is it bitter. It is somewhat in between. Only time will tell. I can't tell you exactly what happens from a month from now. If what we've hoped, ha! Hope...let's change the word to want, shall we? I don't believe in hope or wishes. And I think the word is want, rather than hope. Hope is for people who sit around and wait for things to happen. Though this is a situation, indeed that is literally to just sit around and wait. However, it is not what we both want. What I want? What I want is to finally know. what I want is to get that parcel that has my name on it. What I want is for what we wanted to push through. What I want is to sleep through everything. 24 hours is really a long time when you're waiting for something. Waiting...I hate that word. Waiting, in a dictionary it says " To remain or rest in expectation". I hate to wait and I hate all of this.

What do I do? I drown myself...we're back there again. I just keep myself occupied. I'm too sick to go to meetings. So I choose not to. Work defines me. And I choose not to do so. I am somewhat lost...I do think of the good times and the great times. They make me smile and every second of agony is well worth it.

puseemaster2 48M

9/5/2006 2:31 am

yeah...Iam up late too....just want to

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