Day 70: (Same as it ever was)And those days go by....  

AGNJoe1 48M
385 posts
1/18/2006 8:36 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Day 70: (Same as it ever was)And those days go by....


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Geesh. You'd think by now, SOMEONE would be interested in me, right? I blog regularly, I'm honest, polite, I'm a fairly decent guy who wants to cheat on his wife so I can feel what it's like to be a man again. And yet...nada. I'm almost giving up hope I'll EVER get laid...again.

Things are the same at my house, wife a beautiful wife, a nice car, and a nice house, right? Wrong. My wife - still not intimate with me. My car - Well let's say I'm paying on three cars, yet two of them were voluntarily repo'd, so I'm paying on two cars that I do not even owe on, and a third that's barely paid off. My house - well I HAD a house two years ago, until I lost it, had to sell it to pay off the backpayments due to bad mismanagement of my funds. Now I have to rent a home.

Well, I've gone to a money management class, I still owe over 40 grand, which is a lot better than the 60 grand I was once saddled with, but still each dollar I owe is like a link in a chain I feel will never be broken. It truly is enough to make a grown man cry, and believe me, I'm man enough to admit I've shed my share of tears over all of this mess I've caused my family. If there was some way to find a way to get out of this mess I've caused. I've sold ever item I have on E-Bay to make up some of the money, but now, I don't own a thing that personally belongs to me except the clothes I wear to work. Anything of value has been sold that I could make a buck on to pay off my debt and while I'm somewhat closer to my goal, it looks, it FEELS like a canyon that's impossible to cross.

Folks, it sucks beyond all belief when you in debt and poor. I never wanted anyone to know about this here. I wanted to keep this part of a secret, so know NO ONE would know, and it would keep me somewhat desireable. Now...I just do not care anymore, as the dull ache of pain, remorse, shame and guilt I've put my family through...I cannot take it anymore. I have to let this out, and typing this while to a bunch of anonymous strangers may not do any good, it does help me clear my thoughts a bit and allow me to get this off of my chest and vent out the anger and frustrations I've felt for so long. Of course, it the same as it ever was like the song goes...

I'm not sure what else to do, but I know I will NEVER file for bankruptcy, because while it's an easy way out, I refuse to do things the easy way. People have told me to file, and I cannot because while I may just give up all of the debt I have, I will not saddle others with my failures. And also, I do not believe of having others deal with my debt. It's wrong to do, and I will not do that. I will pay this debt off, but that day seems a long way away for me. Also for other reasons, bankruptcy is not an option because some family members have given us person loans to help us out, and we would lose the furniture we live on, and it would be detrimental to my children as a lot of their things would also be taken away. I cannot allow that to happen. I WILL not allow that to happen.

So what to do? I haven't got a clue other than continue to pay off the debt and pray for a miracle. The problem is, I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out for the miracle...

I'm sorry folks. I hate dumping this crap on you all. It's just that...I'm not sure where else to turn to anymore. The tank filled with faith has nearly run dry, as tonight I had to pretend that I was out of gas at several gas stations, and repeat the same story that I was out of gas so I could get money for food for my kids. I lied to put food on the table so my kids could eat, and yet, I feel miserable for doing it. I have no excuse. I just feel terrible.

I hope God can forgive me. I'm sorry folks, and this is one post I'm sorry you had to read.

AGN Joe

AGNJoe1 48M

1/20/2006 8:14 pm

Sheeana,

I just renewed my meds and I have absolutely no intention of getting off of them, especially now. So thanks for the concern there. While I have thought about it, I would never do it as it would put my family and friends through hell, and I could never think of hurting them like that.

I talked with our local church and they just helped us out by supplying us with food for the entire next two weeks, which is a HUGE boon to us, to help reduce out expenditures for the time being. Also the local priest talked to my wife and myself and said that if we ever needed anything to help us, that we should NEVER feel ashamed to ask for help, and that they would do anything to help us work on slowly recoverin and to get back on our feet.

As for my writting, primarily, I write as a theriputic way to help me dish out my feelings a lot and cleanse myself of the bad feelings that hit, and it allows me to move on. The only problems is I had no idea that I was doing this a lot lately in my blogs. I went back over my entire bloggin history and I realized it was as you said, as the majority, negative, as you said it was. And you are right, while it is good to get these thoughts out, I should try to be more positive and start focusing on more positive things instead of the negative.

As for me talking it badly, on the contrary, I take it to heart as a positive experience and as a person trying to help me move through this, which is so awesome. To have someone care for me enough to talk to me about this, and you hardly know me, is amazing.

As of today, I am feeling much better, as because I am still here, and still fighting, well, again, this experience didn't kill me, but made me stronger, so...I'm still here fighting and will continue to fight.

As for you wanting to be with me, it is I who should be honored to be with you. And if you ever come to Chicago, well, let say you'll come more than once if I ever get a chance to me you.

Thank you so much Sheeana.

AGN Joe


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