rm_1realdarlin 48F
601 posts
9/4/2006 7:49 am

Last Read:
9/26/2006 9:23 pm


When looking for someone of the opposite sex what is it ur looking for first? I was gonna give examples but u know what im talking about. The importance to me lies in attraction first. Many say personality first but i oh so disagree. If ya cant look at someone the personality dont help none. Personality comes after that for me, which includes the sense of humor, honesty and openness. Which leads me to the reason for my post.

Many times i have wrote a post about who it is i have met recently and the fun or not so much fun we had. In times passed i have seen or "dated" many at once.

I have found since having a hysterectomy the want to do that just isnt there. Since having it ihave only been out with or dated 2 people. The first was just too drama filled for me. The second one is a blast to hang out with, great personality and the sex is getting better for me i cant answer for him.
Anyway lol to continue... We are both quiet, dont share much about what it is we are thinking. Most times i go out with someone that brings that out in me. When seeing someone thats the same way, u tend to not get to the deeper levels of what it is u want, in my opinion. I feel he is holding back, i sure know i am .

Soooo my question being this, how do i being quiet, shy and reserved ( yes i am) find out what it is i wanna know when simply asking dont do it???? When we go out i wanna hear "wow u look nice" or damn ur cute . i know u all will help me out and im sure he himself will see this lol so maybe he will even help me out!!

rm_C2UrNeedz 56M
60 posts
9/4/2006 8:52 pm

Darlin -- been there, done that and got the matches to prove it. I wish I had an easy, iron-clad, pop-it-in-the-micorwave-for-30-seconds-and-it's-done answer for you but, alas, it's not there. You simply have to admit that with some people, you don't get that. Can it be taught? On some level perhaps, but that takes you right back to the overall personality thing. (Speaking of compliments, I am amazed at how many women I have encountered that when presented with a genuine compliment...even something simple like "gee you are cute"...respond with a smile but also with a roll of their eyes. That may be followed with a few paragraphs about how they're not. In essence, you have just called the complimenting party a liar. Fending off B.S. is one thing but simply accepting a compliment is another. OK, I'm off the soapbox now since, after all, this is YOUR blog! Sorry)

As you've probably come to know (and be driven up the wall by), guys seem to run that whole opposite-ends-of-the-spectrum thing in the first place. Some are proverbial clams where there thoughts are concerned and some are faucets that just won't turn off, especially if they are into therapy . When you cut past their external shell, which characteristic is more appealing to you overall? Verbose or reserved? (Just an observation -- some of the most talkative and funny guys I know are simultaneously the most guarded and non-communicative where their inner thoughts and feelings are concerned).

There's nothing like going out with someone that you are physically attracted to and have a minor connection personality-wise then finding out a few weeks into a relationship that it feels like you are going out with your sister... eeek! My new rule is that if a woman can't make me laugh for some reason over the course of an evening, she probably doesn't get a second chance to attempt it (not to mention a semi-quick goodbye at the end of the evening). I was once going out with a Miss (Whatever Her Title Was At the Time) and after the second date I started to notice after I got past the pretentiousness and canned answers she was about as entertaining as an ornate dish towel. Even if they are good to look at, it's gotta click before the Bananas Foster gets lit.

Since you seem to have the personality thing dialed in (and lucky you! that's a big part of the battle at times), perhaps you should come up with some purely random, open-ended questions that may give you some insight to this guy. The whole "if you were a (insert thing here)...what would you be and why?". What's the best thing you ever got for Christmas (or Hannukkah or whatever) or something else that makes the other person actually think for a moment then attempt to convey that in a semi-intelligent manner. If they can't (or won't) have fun with have your work cut out for you if you care to pursue things deeper. The other thing that seems to be at play with guys in general is at times they really *aren't* thinking anything. If they are, they may not think it's important enough to share with anyone. There is also the type that simply aren't intelligent enough to express what's going on between their ears but, again, if he has a similance of a personality that hopefully isn't the case. Also, guys tend to use conversation as a type of competition. Listen to guys talk to other guys. Overall it's more of a form of recreation than a dialog to provide insight for the most part. If your guy has limited "girl-talk" skills (yes, they can be learned while maintaining one's masculinity!) ... again, your work is cut out for you.

Best of luck and let the rest of the world know what you find that works in this situation.


rm_1realdarlin 48F
79 posts
9/5/2006 8:08 am

Ok lets see here, Take a compliment and roll eyes "check" but not a argument lol. I more like the reserved type, i think thats the reason im more willing to hang out with the ones that dont share much.(as i am the same way) Nothing annoys me more than someone, anyone, talking about something, anything, for like 15-20 minutes without a breath, hell i forget what we started talking about in the first place. Some have called that ADD others have said i just dont care what others have to say. I say its long winded people dont know when to shut the hell up!!!

OOOOOoooook one problem with coming up with open ended questions..... im not a talker either!!! I am used to going out with people that are the talkers and or able to ask questions, which makes me answer and im able to bounce it back on them. but imma gonna try and see what happens. hes very intelligent i think and is in the same bracket as me where what im thinking no one else wants to know.

Thank you for the thoughts and im gonna try

rm_C2UrNeedz 56M
60 posts
9/5/2006 10:10 pm

Point of clarification... accept the compliment and *don't* roll the eyes. Look him right back in the eye and smile and simply say "thank you".

"That's a nice (name item of apparel here)"
Look other party in the eye and smile and say "thank you". No need to go into how it came from the Salvation Army for a nickel or that PayLess had buy 50 of them for a dollar that day or that Neiman Marcus had it on closeout for $2000.00. That's a different conversation.

"I love your voice"
Look other party in the eye and smile and say "thank you". OK, so you've got larangytis and you sound like you *would* have had you maintained that 3-packs-a-day habit of yours (Ok, perhaps not *three* but, again, congrats on the former smoker status)..just roll with it for the time.

"You smell very edible"
Look other party in the eye and smile and say "thank you", even if that's not necessarily where you want to go at that point. No need to clamp the lid right then unless he's already picked up the tab! (It's a joke!!!!!!!!!!)

Now go out there and kick some relational ass! (and please forgive my long-windedness in the process).

rm_1realdarlin 48F
79 posts
9/6/2006 5:26 am

Wait one dang minute, i need to clarify something here!!!!! It is not me that has a problem accepting a compliment or even him for that matter. I give em out whenever theres something i like, i never hear em from him thats my problem. When i get one i tend to say Thank You smile and sometimes even blush. How do i get em is what im asking?

rm_C2UrNeedz 56M
60 posts
9/8/2006 6:57 pm

My apologies, darlin. I though you meant "take a compliment *and* roll your eyes". Another case of misinterpretation due to the limitations of the format.

Hmmmm... complimentary people generally gravitate toward other complimentary people. Is he complimentary toward other things or people in general? If not, you may simply have a person that doesn't operate in that manner (yikes!!!!!). Having a complimentary nature tends to breed compliments in itself to a degree so I'm sure you get them from other sources in which case it's a classic "it's not you, it's him" situation. Some guys can be "trained", others will go along but never actually embrace the action (in a similar manner to people that don't know how to accept a compliment). Some guys have the attitude that if they are *showing* you how they feel, it's not necessary to *say* how they feel. Does he generally exercise other forms of behavior considered respectful such as opening/ holding doors for you, etc.? If so he may be one of the non-verbal but appreciative types that is teachable. If not you have an uphill road in more ways than one. It's not a blue collar vs. white collar thing either but more of a social/ family thing.

Sorry I can't give you a "magic bullet" on this one. If all else fails, ask the guy point blank what's up with the lack of compliments! He may not even realize there is an issue here. The best thing to do is simply be the best self you can possibly be as often as you can be it. Imagine yourself being complimented by others for whatever reason you would like to be complimented...that applies to job performance and attitude as well as physical attributes. If you haven't sold yourself on the fact that you are a beautiful, talented and worthwhile person, it's tough to get that from anyone else on a meaningful level.

Now go out there and win one for the Gipper!

rm_1realdarlin 48F
79 posts
9/8/2006 9:35 pm

LOL!!! The gippers winnin the war danget!!

He does all sorts of other things, i just think he doesnt think its necesary to say anything. I did however get one from him outta the blue the other night and i thought he had read this but he hadnt, o well i was glad to hear it and it made me smile so who cares!!

I know im worthwhile, beautiful and one hell of a person,thats not what im after. I just wanna know that he likes how im dressed and the way i smell as an example. The approval of how u look and the way u r dressed when going out with someone is always nice to hear i believe. He has said to me if he didnt like it he wouldnt be going out with me, that simple i spose.

I thank You for all ur thoughts and wish u the best of luck Darlin

rm_beodd1 41M
17 posts
9/14/2006 5:45 pm

It is possible that he has allot of issues/past drama, that he does not want to drag you in to. So instead of opening up, the safest thing to do is play it cool, not say too much and let things fall where they may. I think I probably have the same issue, my best friend, she sometimes call me socially inept because of the way I interact with people in public. Just a possibility.. You could always try starting a personal conversation during sex.. Tends to be when I am most open to suggestion..


DoveOK 58F

9/26/2006 10:31 am

I always talk during sex beodd1... ya know stuff like... "you sure have a pretty head" and "damn! just where do you think ur gonna put THAT!!!?" "How bout them LONGHORNS!!!" and "I got mine... git offa me"

darlin.. try this.. "Ya know what about you really gets me goin?" or ask him.. "What do you find special about me?"

Growing up.. I was always told how ugly I was.. how I did not "fit" in... until I believed it. When someone compliments me.. its hard for me to take. I must admit I've done the "eye roll". It was difficult for me and if a guy told me I was beautiful or he loved me.. I left... because I knew he was a liar. It was not until I was able to see myself in someone special's eyes.. how he really felt.. how I appeared to him.. I believed him.. I am more accepting of myself now. I don't need to hear compliments.. but I love to hear them.

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