drugs, a depressant of a blog  

1niceTgirl2try 36T
217 posts
2/14/2006 5:50 pm

Last Read:
10/7/2007 6:45 pm

drugs, a depressant of a blog

I found out a couple years ago that even without all the events and trauma in my life I would still be a depressed and anxious person. In fact my panic disorder had reached what seems to be the commonly perceived extreme and i was agoraphobic. Well, even though the idea of being in a grocery store with only a few other people in it in the middle of the night when it was less crowded terrified me, I forced myself to drive down to the mental health clinic the 3 times that it takes to get started.

At the mental health clinic the waiting room is small with maybe a total of 15 chairs placed against whatever wall they must have been able to consider acceptable or something. Just inside the glass door with those diagonally crossed wires that keep them from being breakable, there were some cubicles where you sign in and on the side of those cubicles was a security guard who had to push a button to unlock the door whenever anyone wanted in or out. The reason for this was because this lil room was attached to the hospital part where they locked away the patience whom had been admitted (in other words the crazy people who got locked away for being crazy ha ha ha)

My biggest fear was that they really locked that door so that if they needed to they could admit me and if I tried to run I wouldn’t be able to, but all of that is part of the disorder. My other fear was that all these crazy people [whom are stuck here waiting as well] if they are half as crazy as me they prolly must know what I constantly fear people in other public places only suspect or assume! Which my head used to fill with all kinds of random thoughts on that stuff…

Anyway so after my intake visits eventually I got diagnosed with blah blah blah misdiagnosis give em drugs and get em out of here just like the rest of the people going through there… I remember thinking my disease is crippling but what if my times that I experienced schizophrenia wasn’t the drugs, what if I had it when I was sober and got pushed through like this? I mean I have been poor all my life and eventually figured out that the world treats poor people like shit, but I wondered how we could let shit like this go without any attn…

Here in Las Vegas we have a large number of mentally ill homeless people. They are not mentally ill because they are homeless but the other way around… people in Vegas tend to assume that is the image of homeless people and somehow I find that odd… mainly cause I used to work and hang out with homeless people for about a year or 2 not long ago and you’d be surprised how different homeless life can be compared to lower-class/income life is…

So now a couple years have gone by, and I stopped taking my lexapro a few months ago because of whatever reason and it eventually wore off, but I’ve had my alternatives that vie gotten bad about again so imp thinking about going back… actually you know what… I think imp done with this letter but ill spell check and post it anyway….

My point was: I wish it didn’t take a drug to make me feel ok about being alive!

poboy_aj 64M

2/15/2006 3:36 am

Amen to that ...

rm_FreeLove999 48F
16127 posts
2/16/2006 4:45 am

well, i realise that taking drugs is a pain in the ass, and that it is pretty hard to be ok with being a live a lot of the time, but at least the drug is better than feeling like crap all the time ...??

my best friend just started a new type of anti-depressant and he says its the first time in years he can remember waking up and not feeling suicidal. he also has phobias about going to the shops, etc. i am glad the medication helps, cos he is a wonderful person and deserves not to feel that way everyday...!

[blog freelove999]

1niceTgirl2try 36T
167 posts
2/16/2006 11:14 am

yeah, i just wish that the improvement in my outlook could get me to remember to take my meds every day instead of doing the opposite (that's how i ended up letting myself fall off)

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