Haunted by Divorce  

1girlrevolution 48F
314 posts
4/25/2006 3:23 pm

Last Read:
4/28/2006 5:34 pm

Haunted by Divorce

There are pictures in my head, representing the eras of my knowledge of my ex. When we met and dated. When we fell in love and married. The children being born and changing both of us – forever, I thought.
Then there’s the era of the end. The marriage splintering around us. The unbelievable cruelty of divorce. I still can’t look at that unblinkingly.
Then we were gone. Just gone. He was out of my life, and I, his.
Now if I think of him, it’s the early years I try to think of. There are many good moments to recall. He’s a harmless,foggy memory. Sometimes I blurt out a sweet story from our early days to people who know what the end was like, and there’s an awkward silence. But the early picture is good. And the later picture is conveniently shoved out of my mind.
Every so often, though, it hits me that he still exists. He lives, out there, and I’m not sure what his life is like. What clothes he wears. If he’s flossing his teeth. Who he rooted for in the Super Bowl. But even though I don’t know much about his life, he’s out there, living. It’s jarring; to admit the reality of him into the peace I’ve grown into since the divorce.
He exists.
The last time I saw him it was an accidental encounter, and it was horrible. It was like a dream, where you scream and nothing comes out. I felt like my lungs would collapse from the useless effort of trying to make myself be heard.
He exists, and he hates me, sometimes.

He may have gone on with living but so did I, after all.

When stuff like this happens it still takes my breath away. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that tiny glimmer of hope that he’ll get his act together for his own sake. I want to be safe from the man he is, but part of me keeps looking for the man he was which I will never accept again or let in.

rm_Ellenback 59F
966 posts
4/25/2006 4:27 pm

You and me both, 1girl, you and me both hon. Nice post.

You won't get over the hope that he'll become the guy you thought he was early on, it'll always stay there, but eventually the bad stuff he engendered will fade, as memories do. The ones that stay sharpest, however, are the ones that bring us pleasure, it's only the bad stuff that fades into the background, thank goodness!

You're a great writer, btw - emotional, identifiable, and easy to comprehend.



reverend21 50M
1913 posts
4/25/2006 4:33 pm

that is normal, divorce hurts, no way around it. you need to concentrate on you first though, he can either learn form his mistakes or not, and you have to accept that if you are to move on.

rm_magnet4u22 50F
18406 posts
4/25/2006 6:47 pm

I agree with Heavenly.....it is like a death in a way, except he is still out there somewhere. And, it seems that we always remember the good things about a person..


1cooldude63 55M

4/26/2006 5:45 am

I know exactly how you feel,I often think about what could have been.

JackSplash1401 60M

4/26/2006 1:49 pm

Words from Peabo Bryson:

"If ever you're in my arms again
This time I'll love you much better
If ever you're in my arms again
This time I'll hold you forever
This time will never end"

These are confusing days.

Check out my blog jacksplash1401


Kristofer32 47M

4/27/2006 6:13 am

What a road. I feel for you if for no other reason than there are feelings that you are forced to hold in and forget. I can't say what the life after divorce is, I am still paying lawyers and trying to cut apart something that was more than a decade in the making, but I certainly feel for someone who can look back and see through the pain and be human enough to give the benefit of good memories. You are very obviously a woman of character and charizma. Good luck to you and to your future.


rm_aslolover 57M
1 post
4/28/2006 4:42 pm

Gosh I'm stunned. Your writing is off the hook. I felt like I was taken back thru times I had long forgotten.. Another life. You touched me,(you touched many peps) your special 1girl

1girlrevolution 48F

4/28/2006 5:34 pm

heavenly-thanks for the big hug! It's a tough road to travel.

Elle-sometimes my memories and emotions get the best of me and out it comes in my blog! Thanks for the (((squishyboobyhugs)))!

rev-you're right about moving on. It can be difficult sometimes.

magnet-the best attitude to have is a positive one. Thanks.

1cooldude-unfortunately, many of us can relate. Thanks for the comment.

Jack-thanks for sharing! I enjoy your blog.

Kris-you're starting a long journey. Try to be humble.

aslolover-a humble, and emotional "thank you"


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