Jokes of the day  

1LovelyBrunette 42F
313 posts
8/21/2006 7:01 pm

Last Read:
8/27/2006 10:01 am

Jokes of the day

Blonde humor for the day!

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes
heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out
"SHOOT!... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"


The Genie

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish, and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the damn map again."


THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:


Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S
NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down
under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a
Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A. Because they don't have any balls to scratch.


Subject: Son of a Bitch!

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired
about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" "Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops'dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, no! , no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish". "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You mother fuckers are my kind of people."



BassoStagsPears 44M

8/22/2006 8:15 am

The last joke was very funny, but I really like the 5 Answers segment the most. Tons of truth in there! Guess which one is my favorite?

XOXOX


1LovelyBrunette replies on 8/23/2006 5:42 pm:
Hmmm, I wonder which IS your favorite? * S *

rm_SEXYSABE 62M

8/26/2006 6:06 pm

Dear Lovely One, Thank you for all of the jokes.Like thinking of you they put a smile on my face and a few even made me lick my lips.By the way Do you have any Australian in you my dear? Be well Oh Lovely One, Michael


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