Great, right? Saying “Really nice guy” in a profile is like saying “People person” on a job interview, or “a great sense of humor” about a blind date. Its not that those are bad things, but seriously, is that the best you got? “Nice guy”? I’m getting as much action with that one as you would guess- none- so I decided to change it up. I shaved my head. I let my beard grow out a little, not enough to look like a vagrant, just the five o’clock shadow look. I figure it says “No I didn’t shave today; you got a problem with that?”. I bought a package of black tee shirts to wear with the fatigues I picked up at the army surplus store. So yeah, now I’m a bad ass. How do you like me now? Okay- a bad haircut and a black tee shirt don’t make me a real bad ass. I guess all it makes me is a real poser, and if I don’t watch my step, I’ll end up like that guy who “blows off steam” on the Direct TV commercial, face down in a ditch, and that’s not really the result I was going for. I’m a lot of things- most of them good- and “poser” is not one of them. I know its not enough to just look “edgy”, I’ve got to work harder at [I]being[/I] “edgy”. I’ve started trying to be more surly and sarcastic with people. I figure I’ll get into MMA, maybe take a class. Like real tough guys take classes, right? So, maybe there’s a flaw to my logic. I can't just [I]look[/I] like a tough if I'm not really a tough guy. Become a tough guy, okay... I went to the pound, I got a puppy. I figure, if I’m a real bad ass, I can get the puppy a spike collar, and when I come home drunk and in a rotten mood, I can kick the puppy- or at least, hit her with a rolled up newspaper. Well, there’s a problem. I picked the cutest little puppy. She’s a lab mix, a little yellow who reminds me of my old dog. I had my old for 13 years, and when she got sick and I had to put her down, it broke my heart. I changed my profile picture to a black and white shot of her empty doghouse. I couldn’t play the radio in public because, if a sad song came on, I found myself remembering my old and choking back tears. I made a little shrine with her collar and leash, over in the corner near her water bowl. It was pretty pathetic really, but I had lost one of best friends- that’s how it felt. So I'm standing in my kitchen, looking down at this little yellow puppy as she’s chewing the laces of my steel toed boots, and it just makes me smile. I’m sorry, I can’t kick a puppy just to prove I’m a tough guy. I got a sunburn on my newly shaved head, and I feel kind of silly walking around in army fatigues. My brother was in the army, not me. I kinda like the muscle shirts though. They’re great under my Red Sox jersey. Its nice to not have to shave my face to the bone every day, but other than that, I’m afraid this tough guy thing isn’t going to work out for me. I’m like Judge Reinhold’s character from the movie “Ruthless People”. I can’t take advantage of stupid people. I don’t kick puppies, I don’t want to learn Brazilian JuJitsu, and I don’t want to have to spread SPF 50 on my scalp every time I go out in the sun. I have a swimming pool, for chrissakes, and the flies seem to think my coconut is, well, a coconut! What can I say? Maybe I don’t get much action from the women who like the tough guys. I’m going to have to be okay with that, because deep down, I’m just a really nice guy- God damn it!