Please note: This profile was written by a starving, out of work Swedish Chef who used to be a big star on the Muppet Show. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get work after being labeled a 'muppet' (bork, bork, bork): I ves reeesed by pengooeens in a remute-a culuny neer zee Felklund Islunds. I spent my yuoot roonneeng eruoond ice-a-flues und pleyeeng pengooeen gemes veet my felloo hetchleengs. .... At which point I fired the chef because nobody on Earth can understand him. So much for giving the unemployed a chance. Translation and completion of profile below: I was raised by penguins in a remote colony near the Falkland Islands. I spent my youth running around ice-floes and playing penguin games with my fellow hatchlings. We used to run and slide all day long. Like the rest of the civilized world, we penguins became much fatter with the advent of satellite TV, TV dinners, and video games. We also became much easier fare for Walruses and other penguin eating animals. I also had to dodge fishing ships that collected penguins for various reasons, mostly zoo polar bear food. Strangely, I no longer like the cold. I do still enjoy running and sliding down ice ramps into frigid waters, swimming about and eating anchovies (but really, any fish will do). Most people think I'm Catholic, but they don't realize that we don't dress like nuns .... they dress like us. A secret I can share .... we look really happy, but we are f*cking cold!!

My Ideal Person First a flightless bird lover. Then she should be able to talk about things we like: movies, the arts, dogs and cats, where Charlie Chaplin got his walk from, alien abductions, the theory of Atlantis, cross rift dimension collisions and the Green Bay Packers. A golfer is a huge plus.

If you meet these desires, please send a picture .... of your golf clubs.