Supertail and the Evil Wang
Holly Sampson, Savannah Stern, Kimberly Kane, Dahlia Sin and Jessica Bangkok.
Storyline Porn bothers me. I don’t give a shit about what’s going on behind the scenes, I want to see some chick getting railed in the ass 3 minutes in. However, with Supertail and the Evil Wang, I get a Nerdgasm in exchange for gonzo: comic book related porn can’t go wrong, especially when it has as many cock-choking scenes as this one. I stopped counting after 12. What this film ‒ and I say that loosely (pun intended) ‒ lacks in storyline it makes up in cock-choking scenes. Fortunately, the first scene is pretty badass and the actress has natural titties. So far so good, but I’m bracing or the Epic-Yet-To-Come.
The entire movie is highlighted by the lamest Ming The Merciless this side of Earth, banging a one-eyed Cindy Wilson (The B-52’s, get it?) while draped in gold lamé and throat juice. I’m not a fan of fake tits but those boots are the shit, and she attacks his dick like she’s the Alien and he’s Sigourney Weaver. My only advice? Stop eating her out. There’s nothing more disgusting than watching a guy eat out a pussy that’s been nailed by 108 other dudes. Just saying.
But fuck it. Who cares. You know as well as I do, you and I both would fuck a one-eyed evil temptress on a torture table faster than we could say “Hawkmen, DIVE!” especially if she tells you: “Gimme that fucking cum; Don’t squirt it in my other eye.”
Can you say “fuck” and “yeah”? Epic win.
AdultFriendFinder’s Guide to Threesomes
Devon Lee, Darryl Hanah, Jessica Lynn, Rachel Roxxx, India Summer, Sienna West, Brynn Tyler, Kiera King and Jack Fountain. Now that’s a porn name.
I have a separate column coming about threesomes, but that’s a different story for a different time. This is the porn industry’s version of the map of what to do and how to do it, and it’s pretty right on the money. Sure, I could nitpick the opening scene when the guy types ‘hopping’ when he certainly isn’t the Easter Bunny, but I digress; I know what they meant and so do you.
But again, who cares! There’s lesbians in the alley! India Summer herself is guiding us over the map of precarious and nefarious lands that could be encountered during a foray into the uncharted (for some of us ‒ not me, yay!) regions of multiple individuals on your jock. And while threesomes never really go according to plan ‒ again, another story for another day ‒ it’s still nice to get the lowdown from a professional, even if it’s from a back alley in the District of Columbia.
Lots of cock-choking and scrub rubbing ensue in later scenes, and while the cum licking is awesome in the second scene, the double blowjob in the third scene takes the cake: if you’re lucky enough to be a part of that sandwich, say your prayers and prepare to die a happy man. Just keep it lite on the mayo, ok? Especially around my other eye.
Drill Baby Drill
India Summer, Jenna Presley, Austin Kincaid, Rachel Roxxx and Jessica Bangkok.
This one completely took me by surprise. Except for AFF’s Guide To Threesomes, there’s really no reason to watch the dialogue in any porn, but don’t make that mistake here. Anyone remotely cognizant during the presidential elections of 2008 is going to get a kick out of this, in more ways than one.
Everyone and their mother knew that we’d be blessed with Sarah Palin-related porn the moment she was announced as candidate for VP, but in an ironic twist of fate, I propose that none of us realized that the writers for Penthouse’s Drill Baby Drill should have been her media team. McCain would have won more than Arizona and a trip back to the Senate, guaranteed.
Absolutely hysterical in every way, India Summer delivers a brilliant performance as Sarah Palin ‒ accent, hyperbole, quotes and all ‒ and if you don’t pay attention, you’ll miss some of the better jokes along the way. Romantic types, media frenzies, and filth definitely overshadow the porn, but don’t let that keep you from enjoying the moment when you realize Bristol’s in figure skates while what’s-his-douche is in hockey pads. Phenomenal. I’m not sure if there’s the same kind of moratorium on interracial sex as there is on anal, but you can see where I’m going with this. That’d have been the shit!
Finally, do us both a favor and watch the outtakes. India -sorry, Sarah- messing her lines is worth the wait and definitely a great way to pass the time while cleaning up with the sock, dishtowel, or t-shirt you had handy. Just remember to get it to the dirty clothes hamper; I speak from experience.
All in all, this movie is funnier than Borat without the fat-guy ass. You’re welcome.
Altogether, this is a pretty epic set of porn videos, with lots of pieces to appease every taste. From the incessant amounts of cock-choking in SuperTail to the massive fake tits in Drill Baby Drill, there’s something for everyone. As far as I’m concerned, India Summer deserves the Porn Oscar for her performance.
Overall, here are my Highs and Lows:
Cumshot scenes are always good, there are certainly an abundance ‒ the one guy in the Threesomes was pretty badass with that Spunk Hydrant. I aspire to that greatness. Thankfully, Penthouse knows how to balance the needs of their viewers with lots of natural tits. The sexual onscreen artists seem really into it as opposed to getting a paycheck to see how many dildos they can take in the ass, but not that there’s anything wrong with that. Personally, I would have liked to see some anal, but I understand the business and why there wasn’t any. That said, can’t accidentally slip a finger in there or something? Just for me?
Finally, though, and I say this with all sincerity: There’s nothing like watching a Republican getting nailed.
Libertarians rejoice. Pornographers be praised. And the rest of us? Keep your remote control and your tube socks handy. You’re going to have a good time.
Psst! Fucking ICE SKATES! Epic win.
