Dear Dr. Z,
I’ve always loved masturbation, but lately I have been losing control. I have been caught by my secretary masturbating at work, which may have had something to do with her quitting her job soon thereafter. If I see a beautiful woman on the street, I will often follow her while rubbing myself. And lately I have been masturbating in my brand-new Porsche, at stop signs or while parked at the mall. So far the reaction of the women who have seen me playing with myself has been encouraging–a few have even smiled–which has led me to want to do it more. I do realize that this may get me in trouble, so what should I do? Should I see a sex therapist?
Dr. Z answers
As my readers know, I have always been an ardent proponent of masturbation, but you need to find a way to curb your enthusiasm. Your masturbation has taken on a compulsive quality, and it appears you have developed an exhibitionism paraphilia–which is a risky business, because it’s only a matter of time before someone calls the cops. You will not only lose secretaries but potentially your driver’s license and even your freedom, if you are convicted for indecent public exposure. Write down the list of potentially negative consequences to your compulsive masturbation and read it to yourself daily. Wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it hard every time you get an urge to expose yourself. Join the gym and get a hobby–it seems like you need some other passion in your life. And, yes, if that fails, see a therapist.
Dear Dr. Z,
My wife was very sexually inexperienced when we got married ten years ago. She was never really into sex, and after a few years we were rarely having sex at all. I felt that I was losing my passion for her and even had a short-lived affair with my coworker, a very uninhibited woman with whom I frequently watched adult videos and read Penthouse. After I ended the affair, I felt that I also had to end this lull in my marriage one way or another, so I told my wife to go out and pick up a guy, bring him back to our house, and seduce him in our bedroom while I watched from our closet. Well, after some convincing, she did exactly as I had instructed–she brought a complete stranger into our bedroom and fucked him right before my eyes. Watching her with him is what rekindled my passion for my wife. I was reminded that I really love her and want her. The problem is, she really likes this guy and wants to continue to see him on a regular basis, and I feel jealous and want us to be monogamous again. Can you explain to me why this happened and how I can get my wife to be faithful to me again?
Dr. Z answers:
Nothing revives our passion for a spouse like a little jealousy! We never realize how much we want to keep something until someone else threatens to take it away from us. But do not confuse the feeling you are currently experiencing for your wife with “love.” When we love someone, we want them to be happy, and your wife seems to be happier with some variety in her partners. Watching another man ravish your wife has stoked your lust for her, and what you are feeling is possessiveness and a fear that you will lose her. However, while you have now developed feelings of desire for her after all those passionless years–maybe because another man has sparked her previously missing libido–there may not be a way to turn back the clock. After all, you had an affair first, and you insisted that your wife do the same. By doing so, you have redefined the terms of your relationship; there may be no way to bring back the pure exclusivity that you once rejected.
The only thing you can do is to stop trying to control your wife and allow her to explore the new found feelings she has for this man. Meanwhile, give her the affection, attention, and affirmation she was lacking while you were engaged in your liaison with another woman. Her infatuation for her lover will either wear off as the novelty of it subsides, or it will turn into something more. If the latter happens, you will have to decide whether to end your marriage or to join her in a lifestyle that involves a variety of partners. Many couples are into swinging or swapping, so that may be your only way to hold on to her if she finds the thrill of sex with strangers to be too much of an aphrodisiac to put aside. Either way, things will never be the way they once were between you–which is why I always counsel people to stop and think things through before injecting a third person into their relationship.
Dear Dr. Z,
My girlfriend is not big on oral sex. It takes a lot to convince her to give me head. When she does, she immediately stops when my pre-come comes out. She claims it doesn’t taste good and makes her gag. She has even mentioned that she might be allergic to it. Is that possible? And is there any way to keep the pre-come from dripping out until we have intercourse? I love getting head and would do anything to get her more into it.
Dr. Z answers:
It is highly unlikely that your girlfriend has an allergy to your come. Allergies to semen are very rare. And when they do occur, the allergic reaction–whether it’s from oral sex or vaginal intercourse–is accompanied either by a rash or an irritation. Since there is no way of keeping pre-come from leaking out, your only solution to the taste issue is to mask it by donning a condom (you can opt for a flavored one) or periodically dipping your penis in chocolate sauce or something else that will appeal to her. Drinking more water may also tone down the taste and thin out the consistency of your pre-come.
But I think that her reluctance to go down on you probably has some psycho logical roots–either from some childhood indoctrination about oral sex being dirty, or possibly a negative earlier experience. Talking about her prior experiences might bring these issues to the fore, which might help her get over her inability to enjoy giving you oral. Be understanding, and let her have all the time she needs to work through her psycho logical aversions. However, if she says she has blown her prior boyfriends and gobbled down their come without a problem, then she must be having some ambivalence about having sex with you. If this is the case, and if getting head is that important to you, you are better off getting a new girlfriend.
Victoria Zdrok's combination of beauty and intelligence has earned her the label as "sexpert" in many media outlets. She writes a monthly column on love, sex, and dating for Penthouse Magazine entitled "Ask Dr. Z," and a column on sexuality and the law for Penthouse Forum. She is a frequent contributor to several publications and has her own SIRIUS Satellite Radio specialty show, The Sex Connection, on Howard 101. You can find out more about Dr. Z at www.sexysexpert.com