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Celebrity Sex Tapes Vol. II- Ask and Ye Shall Receive!
After our last installment of Celebrity Sex Tapes Reviewed, we were flooded with messages from readers suggesting other low-rent celeb skinflicks that we just had to review. And because I believe in giving the people what they want, here are more famous (and infamous) sexcapades than you can shake your stick at!
Colin Farrell and Playmate Nicole Narain
Synopsis: The sexy Irish actor and his then-girlfriend decide to forego the Pop Tarts one morning, opting instead to start the day off with a rousing rendition of hide-the-salami. Sounds like a breakfast of champions to me!
What's good: The video is short and to the point - all sex and no filler. Colin's one-liners are hilarious - in his thick Irish brogue, he shouts out "I live for the porn!" And when Nicole stops mid-BJ to pick his mancarpet out of her pearly white teeth, he weighs in with “You’re just catching every fuckin' pube I have, man!” I was laughing my ass off! Not to mention, they're both smokin' hot ‒ even though Colin Farrell is bald as a cueball, since the tape was made while he was filming Daredevil. (Obviously, per Nicole's teeth, he has plenty of hair elsewhere.)
I'm not a big fan of Nicole, seeing as how she leaked the tape to further her own career (not to mention she's dating K-Fed and badmouthing Brit in the tabloids) but she has a KILLER body, and her moaning is downright euphoric. I almost had to go looking through my drawers for batteries after hearing that.
What's bad: My biggest problems with this video are that I'm not in it, and Nicole seems to not fully appreciate the fact that she gets to fuck Colin Farrell. Inexplicably, while Colin is stroking his rock hard cock, she keeps him waiting for several minutes while she stands in front of the TV on one leg in a yoga pose, channel surfing. Um, HELLO? If Colin Farrell was naked on my couch with a thick, eight inch cock that's ready to go, I wouldn't give two shits about The View or whatever the hell she was watching!
Technique: Technique was good all around, minus the pube pulling of course. Nicole gives good head, with lots of hand and tongue coordination. And he was really enthusiastic about returning the favor, practically worshipping her shorn clambox as if it was the most amazing thing he had ever seen. However, Colin's dirty talk sucks! He actually says "I didn't know they made bastards as sexy as you, man!" and "If the camera could blush it’d be so fuckin' red, you are SO fuckin' hot! You sexy bastard!"
There was, however, a little reverse cowgirl action, which I particularly enjoyed thanks to the former Playmate's soft, round and bouncy derrière.
The verdict: This video is hot. Not Kim Kardashian hot, but close. And I want to do Colin Farrell.
Karrine Steffans in Superhead
Synopsis: The former hip hop video girl shows us why she was once known in the industry as "Superhead" by showing off her blow job skills on some random cheesy porn guy. Though this video differs from your average celebrity sex tape since it was meant for commercial release, we'll review it anyway because I'm dying to see what this BJ legend is all about.
What's good: Superhead lives up to her name. Watching her go to town on this dude gave ME lockjaw! This girl could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
What's bad: The movie begins with the cheesy porn guy interviewing Superhead while basically investigating her vagina. And I don't mean in a good way. I mean he was looking and poking like he had never seen a twat before. And the quality of this video is really shitty, even for porn. The first scene was filmed poolside at some apartment complex, which was really weird. I can just imagine some poor old lady zipping out to the pool for a refreshing dip after her Sweatin' to the Oldies exercises, and then she walks into that. Then, the move to some crappy apartment, where it takes the guy FOREVER to get his shoes and boots off. He's lucky Superhead was getting paid, or she may have gotten bored and just wandered off.
Oh and later on there's a ‒ ahem ‒ "guzzling" scene that's just fuckin' gross.
Technique: The things she does with her lips, tongue and hands are crazy! Believe me, it's worth taking notes. Cheesy porn guy even had to stop her a few times so he wouldn't bust one too quickly. As far as the dude's skills, well, all he did was stand there and get sucked off. It sounds like great work if you can get it, but it doesn't make for an interesting porn flick.
The Verdict: As terrible as the quality is, it's worth a look.
Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer and Sean "X-Pac" Waltman in One Night in China
Synopsis: Former pro-wrestlers Chyna Doll and X-Pac fill an entire of DVD with what I can only describe as the weirdest sexual display in the history of mankind. Basically, they're on vacay in China, and doing weird stuff to each other in a hotel room.
What's good: The fact that I had alcohol nearby to help me deal with the atrocities I just witnessed. Now if only I could find the jumbo bottle of brain bleach.
What's bad: I don't even know where to start on this one. Between Chyna's blood curdling moans and the fact this movie was AN HOUR long, I wanted to stab myself with the very pen I was using to take notes. Instead of trying to make sense of all this, I will just list the things I found weird and disgusting:
-Chyna looks totally out of it. When she first came out in her biker skank outfit, she was waving around a whip and flailing about like one of the Village People doped up on ecstasy and paint thinner fumes.
-It took FOREVER to get Sean's tight lace-up leather pants off. What is it with these guys taking so long to drop trou? You're about to get SEX for crying out loud! Hurry the fuck up!
-The first time he went down on her, she looked either dead or asleep. Not that I can blame her; he wasn't doing that great of a job.
-During his second muff diving expedition, we get a nice close-up of her twat, which looks like a HUGE pierced clit surrounded by a mountain of stretched out flesh. Note that when I say HUGE, I mean it looks like a mini penis. She could almost have sex with herself if she really wanted to.
Technique: I really liked the part where they stopped having sex and turned the camera off.
The verdict: Do youself a favor: forget this movie exists. It's too late for me, but you can still save yourselves!
That's all for now kids! Until the next celebrity sex scandal...