Until late last month my hard drive was almost completely filled with hard clits, swollen cocks and pointy nipples. During The Great Porn Binge of 2005 I spent several months subscribing to multiple adult sites, and it just didn't make sense to me to not hit the download button if I found a film that I liked. Before I knew it my was the proud owner of over two hundred fuck flicks (hey it beats nailing one of the random knuckleheads around campus). Before you try to hack me...they are all now floating around in a dumpster somewhere in cyberspace.
You'd have to be a pretty pathetic director to not be able to pull off a winner with a group of hot girls nailing each other....but trust me, it happens. As I so eloquently found out a couple of weeks ago. After trashing my porn collection and nearly maxed out on all my plastics, I was forced to venture to a land unknown; I had to rent porn. I looked at it sort of like renting furniture, it's yours until someone finds out that it isn't. Ok, so I was in the mood for a bit of vag on vag and rather than buy some Jenna Haze or No Man's Land Latin Edition I opted to "be down" with my people, and purchase Dykeland. It looked decent enough, even if the box cover did feature a bunch of unknown Ebonies with bad weave jobs. So I hit the rent button, grabbed my Rabbit and went to work.
Black girls with blonde hair...that should have been my first sign that there would be trouble (before anyone cries "That's racist," as an Ebony myself I'm within my rights on this one.) The brown cottage cheese hanging from the hefty one's ass should have been sign number two. By the time the camera made it's way over to the Amazon with a striking resemblance to one of the transsexuals on Maury. I knew I had just wasted eight bucks. The four girls spent nearly forty-five minutes silently quick licking each other's excessively hairy muffs...all of which looked to be suffering from oozing sores. I had seen more arousing episodes of Grey's Anatomy.
Maybe it's just me, but porn today is becoming more of a shoe shopping wish list and sex tip tutorial than an erotic stimulant. I routinely find that the action on screen has me making mental notes -- like, to stay away from blue eye shadow with pink two-pieces -- when it's supposed to have me caressing my clit. Maybe it's just me but has anyone ever noticed that the worst porn always comes in series, with each one being a bigger yawn than the one before it? Note to adult film producers: If audiences weren't standing acclaim over Anal Beast Bangers I, the odds are that they'll be equally unimpressed with Anal Beast Bangers II, just a thought (now returning to our regularly scheduled ranting). Dykeland, with five editions, serves as a good example of such a series. Unfortunately, the Dykeland series isn't one of a kind.
Take The Babysitter, at last count there were at least fifteen editions of the porn series that begins many rollings with the now infamous line, "Hi, I'm (insert barely legal porn actress name here). I'm the babysitter." The babysitter (insert barely legal porn actress name here) then ends up with an assfull of cock from the kid's father...or mother...or both. A hot Gia Paloma or Ashley Blue with an assfull of cock isn't half bad, especially when she takes it up the ass like Ash, but how many times can we see the same cocks filling the asses before we start falling asleep in front of our computers?
And if bad porn series from start to finish really irk you, then let me tell you there's nothing worse than a good series of porn gone bad after the 150th installment. It's like the adult equivalent of the Friday the 13th series, things really started to suck after "Jason Took Manhattan" back in '89." I blame situations like this on producers not knowing when to quit, sort of like the producers over at Jerry Springer. My Baby Got Back was my first porno, if you don't count that soft stuff on HBO Real Sex that I used to stay up late to watch in high school. MBGB I was very run of the mill early '90s porn...only with black people, with one scene of anal and one girl/girl scene. The thing, or should I say the scream, that took MBGB from "just another Black porno" to porn celebrity status was the casting of the undisputed queen of Black porn…the ultimate screamer, Janet Jacme. The woman just sounds like she wants to be split into two, and when a girl's screaming for it at the top of her lungs who wouldn't want to follow her to the tip of climax? After Jacme left the business for a number of years and as new performers emerged, the whole face of MBGB seemed to change. Ron Hightower became Mr. Marcus (who doesn't impress me with his Jack Rabbit humping.) Janet was replaced by Kitten and Obession, amongst others (many of whom are smokin' hot.) Yet, somehow the dry, repetitive mechanics in every single new video leave something to be desired (perhaps those thrills and screams of Janet Jacme's heyday?).
Personally, I blame bad porn on the inclusion of storylines. Ironically, "deeper" storylines were introduced into adult films to attract "my persuasion" -- in this case women. Is it such a difficult concept to grasp that some women, especially the ones that like porn, are like men and couldn't care less about "deeper" storylines. This is porn, not an Oscar-nominated production. We don't care to see Brooke Hunter gently falling in love with the neighbor girl before tenderly banging the bejesus out of her with a red strap-on atop the kitchen counter.
Futhermore, at times it is downright painful to watch "adult film stars" trying their hands at serious acting. If Jewel De'Nyle was capable of convincing acting do you honestly think she'd be showing her dented ass to everyone from here to Guam in Babes In Pornland? Since we've rented what is classified as adult material, we already know that someone is going to get fucked. To my way of thinking, they've just wasted five good minutes of masturbation time "attempting to set up a storyline," and if I wanted to see a sleazy love story I would have rented Pretty Woman.
