So you're thinking about swinging. Should you or shouldn't you?

Number 1: Can you say communication?

In one sense, any couple can swing. Just get out there and take the leap. But the stopper is that even when you’ve got a decent relationship going, swinging can bring up an untold morass of interpersonal issues. Not only does swinging give a couple lots more to communicate about, but it adds more people into the mix to communicate with. So if you're looking for a "smooth entry" into the swinging lifestyle, the place to start is establishing good communication habits.

Talk it through thoroughly, over weeks (or months even) of careful deliberation, before acting. One good thing about all this communication is that a couple can often clear the air of any sticky issues that have been lurking in the shadows of their love life.

While you and your partner are talking it over, you'll find some food for discussion below, based on what happy swingers and unhappy experimenters alike have to say about their experiences.

Read and respond to the questions separately (some are multiple choices and some are write-ins). Then get together as a couple to compare and discuss your responses. The 1 - 10 scale questions can be of great use when you're planning limits and boundaries because they give you a clearer idea of which things are going to be compromises and which are worth compromising for.

The first set of questions is under "why do I want to do this?"

1) If you're having sex with the swinging partner of the opposite sex, where do you want your partner to be?
a. In there with you
b. Doing their own thing with your partner's spouse
c. Watching
d. A mixture of all of these

2) How do you feel about
a. having sex with a swinger of the opposite sex?
b. Having sex with a swinger of the same sex?
c. Your partner having sex with a swinger of the opposite sex (opposite to your partner)?
d. Your partner having sex with a swinger of the same sex (same sex as your partner)?

3) On a scale from 1 - 10, how much of a turn-on would it be to watch:
a. your partner getting it on with another couple
b. your partner getting it on with a member of the opposite sex
c. your partner getting it on with a member of the same sex

4) On a scale from 1 - 10, how much of a turn-on would it be to:
a. have sex with another couple, both male and female
b. have sex with a member of the opposite sex (other than your partner)
c. have sex with a member of the same sex

5) On a scale from 1 - 10, if you knew it was one of your partner's hottest fantasies, how strongly would you be motivated to do the following:
a. Have sex with a couple, both male and female
b. have sex with a member of the opposite sex
c. have sex with a member of the same sex

When you and your partner go over your responses to the five questions above, there should be a nice mix between your turn-ons and your partner's. In other words, if there's a great imbalance and it starts to look as though the swinging activities benefit one partner way more than another, you'll need to do some serious talking. There are two things to consider:
?Your relationship might actually need some foundational work before you step into the swinging lifestyle.
?If you go into swinging with this lop-sided set of motivations, the road of your relationship could get bumpy rather quickly.

Sometimes couples consider the swinging lifestyle when they feel like their relationship is sinking fast. Although anything's worth a try when a couple really wants to stay together, swinging probably shouldn't be the first thing on your list. It may force all sorts of seething resentments out into the open. And it brings other people into the fray. Swinging can easily bring up issues of jealousy even for the most seasoned swinging couple. And jealousy's not the most practical lifeline to throw a drowning relationship.

The other area for concern is communication. The number one qualification for couples who want to swing is the ability to communicate honestly and candidly. And couples who are having troubles with their relationship are often couples who are, for whatever reason, no longer communicating well.

Test your communication status:
?Did you have trouble filling in the answers on the above questions?
?Did you think, "oh, this is silly" or "s/he already knows all this?"
?When you and your partner got together to discuss your responses, were you negatively surprised or disappointed in some of your partner's answers?
?Were there some answers in your partner's responses that really took you by surprise, whether in a good way or a bad way?
A yes to any of these means you may need help with communication.

Swinging requires a game plan that sets boundaries both partners in a couple can be comfortable with. This means the couple must consider all angles and talk them through before they go off to play. There's nothing worse than being asked as a couple if you do certain things, only to hear your partner and yourself giving opposite answers. The more possibilities you discuss beforehand, the less likely this is to happen.

Now if you passed that little test with flying colors, you can move on to the part about how swinging might be good for the relationship.

Again, the best way to work with these questions would be to go into separate rooms, think them over carefully on your own, then answer truthfully. When you've completed all five, get back together, compare notes and discuss.

The second set of questions is under "why do we want to do this?"

1) How well do we communicate?
a. We tell each other everything and trust each other with everything.
b. We can talk about most things, though there are certain sticky areas
c. We don’t talk about a lot of things, but when there's something big or important, we're OK.
d. We live separate lives and don't really talk much. But we're thinking that swinging will give us something mutually exciting to communicate about.

2) How healthy is our present sex life?
a) It's almost too hot to handle. We're a regular passion pair.
b) We have a pretty good sex life, especially when we get going.
c) Not as frequent as it used to be, and we've got issues, but we can still have a good tumble.
d) It's not really happening, at least in a very fulfilling way.

3) How experimental are we within our own sexual relationship?
a) We've tried just about everything, or we'll try anything.
b) He's more experimental; she's more reserved.
c) She's more experimental; he's more reserved.
d) We're stuck in a bit of a rut, but we're hoping some new faces and approaches will help us out of it.

4) How well do I know my partner's likes, fantasies, uncomfortable areas?
a) I know just about every little detail.
b) I know most of the important stuff -- I think.
c) I know some things, but I'm sure there are a lot of things I don't know.
d) I don't know much about my partner's fantasies, but hopefully that'll change.

5) How well does my partner know my likes, fantasies, uncomfortable areas?
a) I'm not squeamish about my fantasies. S/he pretty much knows it all.
b) Oh, there are a few things I'm keeping close to the vest.
c) I've told my partner the things I think s/he can handle. There's quite a bit s/he doesn't know yet.
d) I've never gotten around to telling my partner most of that stuff.


The couples who are most likely to swing successfully are those in which both partners have answered #1 to all the questions above. Consistent #2 responses are also promising, but you may want to discuss the reasons you didn't choose #1 and decide if the issues that come up are important enough for you to work them out before taking them with you into the destabilizing presence of one or two new people.

If your answers often go into the #3 range, you should probably work on strengthening these areas of the relationship before bringing in other people. And if you've got a lot of #4 responses, you could well be in a sinking relationship, hoping that swinging might keep you afloat. Just remember that jealousy, resentment, and pain may be the only products of swinging done without the proper foundation.

No matter where your relationship rests now, you can still set your sites on swinging. But you will make life so much easier for yourselves if you secure the warm relationship, mutual trust, and open, honest communication before you set out on the swinging path. Let swinging be your goal or reward once you've established a relationship that's as rock solid as it can be. This way, you approach swinging under the optimum circumstances.

Having said all this, it's often true that if you wait for everything to be perfect you never make a move. And some people enjoy a little risk or the excitement of feeling in over their heads, sorting things out as they go along. So take all this into account as you and your partner decide where to go from here. Good luck.