If it aint there  

youwonnit 47M
27 posts
8/9/2006 2:10 pm
If it aint there


Sort of following on from my last blog I start to understand more why i am here - both on this site and in the blog area.

I just dont know that much about sex. It never bothered me that much, although i never let it bother me because I let my skin imprison myself deep inside me. To live so compacted within a shell or wall that I have put makes it so hard to tear that wall down. I used to see it like this wall was there to stop people getting in, but now it feels more like it stops me from getting out.

I am what your nan would call a lovely nice bloke. I smile at people and help, and love talking to people. I am nice, and most people i come into contact with like me - oh and that isnt a moan, i love it, i get a buzz from helping people. And this niceness and this imprisonment made me fall into the cozy litte romantic fantasy world - i thought i would meet someone that would actually like me. That daft notion of some random meeting with someone who blows you away. It happened and it went wrong.

That sort of shattered my "fantastical" world. So now i feel a little cheated and a lot sad, about that side of life. Because of my condition it took so much to let someone in, i opened up to all that hurt that people should learn about when they are teenagers. And she came in had a look around and decided i was false. She feared that my niceness wasnt real, that i would let her down as others had.

It is either two things: the biggest peice of irony that you have seen where i live each day being told how nice and lovely i am and yet the one person i let in decides i am not.
or
the one person i let in saw the real me and that real me is false.

The second one i did struggle with for about 8 months. I questioned who i was what i like why i do things. I ended up second guessing myself on everything, i searched long and hard to see if she was right.

She wasnt right.

So that level of hurt puts me off letting someone else in, i dont want a relationship at the moment and my feelings for her are way too strong still.

What i do need is to kick off that romantic nonsense, to let it all go in a journey of sexual exploration.

So having lost a chance at love because of niceness i now stand no chance of sex because of niceness. A friend of mine once said that i was the kind of guy a woman would marry but not date. I always described myself as every womans gay best friend, only i am not gay. By meet, by email or MSN they all spot that immediately. I am cute but not lay me down and shag me sexy. I am worth talking to but not worth rolling around in the sack with.

I wanna go to a bar and meet someone and wake up the next day with them. I wanna meet someone online and get together and explore. I want it, i need it but i cant do it. I cant sleep with someone without thinking how this will affect them.

This started off with me in a sad mood, but the more i type the more pathetic it looks and the more that makes me smile.

So i guess my great philosophical question today is? Do you ever feel like you are the star of the truman show? You just want to look skyward, let out a cynical laugh and say "are you really sure you arent winding me up?"

Hey ho, wil be back tomorrow and on good form for a change i think, this moaning and moping gets ya nowhere.

Never fear, the clown will return.

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