How To Eat Pussy The Right Way  

GlintOwingLowly 29M
3 posts
3/17/2006 11:43 pm

Last Read:
4/5/2006 11:24 am

How To Eat Pussy The Right Way


Eating pussy can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for
a woman (or so I read on the cover of Cosmo). It makes her feel
appreciated, respected, desirable, and has the potential to give her
an orgasm that will shatter glass, raise the dead, even wake you in
the next room. Besides, lots of women expect it these days, and men
who perform great oral sex are always in demand. If you gain a
reputation as an expert, many classy, attractive women, way out of
your league, may overlook your other shortcomings. Just kidding, but
it gives us an excuse to talk more about vaginas.

The vagina is a mystery to most men. It's hidden away. Taken out
only for special occasions and then quickly put back into hiding.
Like an english muffin, its full of nooks and crannies and tastes
best slathered in melted butter. For something so complex you'd
think there would be instructions, or a map, or a help icon. How
many times have you planted your face at heaven's door and said to
yourself, "Man, it sure would be nice if just once she told me what
she liked? Should I feel free to move about the cabin or should I
keep my seatbelt securely fastened and concentrate on her love
button? Should I move up and down? Back and forth? In little
circles? Dive in deep or doggy paddle on the surface? To finger or
not?"

Men have no problem telling women what they like, "Oh yeah! That's
it! Oops, sorry baby. It's OK, it's protein." There is no mystery
about a penis. It stands out in the open. Proud. Happy to be out in
the breeze. No matter how small or unimpressive, every penis acts as
if it's a Great Dane, the Washington Monument, or a mighty Sequoia.
A penis is so simple in comparison to a vagina that I can explain
everything you need to know about performing oral sex on a penis
using a standard fire hydrant.

It's all good!!!

If a woman is still unsure, she can rent an adult video. Any video.
All she has to do is look at a penis the way the "actresses" in porn
do, and he'll be happy.

I know what you're thinking, "I'll just rent a video and learn all
about eating pussy. I don't have to read a bunch of words." Wrong.
Forget for a minute that as soon as you pop the DVD into the player,
your left hand will instinctually grab the remote and find the fast-
forward button while your right hand locates your mule and begins
the old "up and down." You can't learn how to eat a pussy from a
video because of your big old head.

Even when porn movies show oral sex in close-up labia-vision-3D,
they have to push the licker's head sideways to give a good view to
the camera, while snapping the receiver's hip out of joint. This
position is designed for good cinema, not for optimal pleasure.

Practice, Practice, Practice - Pussy Eating Exercises

One of the key differences between performing oral favors on a woman
versus a man is time. With men, the better you are, the shorter your
performance. With women, you're expected to be able to perform for
extended periods of time. In order to develop marathoner-like
endurance, there are a number of exercises that can be used to
strengthen the muscles in your mouth.

Exercise 1
Stick your tongue as far out of your mouth as possible, and then try
to touch your nose. Eat a booger, if possible. Repeat in 3 sets of
10 reps or when boogers are clear. This exercise is fun, funny to
watch, and nutritious. It also makes a great decongestant.

Exercise 2
With a loose jaw, point your tongue while simultaneously trying to
keep your tongue in constant contact with the top and bottom of your
mouth. You'll quickly learn that this is impossible. A Zen-like
exercise designed to equip you mentally for failing again and again
to satisfy your lover.

Exercise 3
Keep your tongue relaxed and open your mouth. Move your tongue in
and out of your mouth, forward, and in both directions, while
licking hair from her hair brush. Try to focus while clearing the
hairs. Practice in five sets of twenty and build up to adding aromas
and darkness to the exercise.

Get Licking!

Now that your tongue is in shape it's time to start licking. Lick
everything you can get your tongue on and are legally allowed to
touch. Be sure to invest in a big hunk of filleted salmon. I know
what your saying, "Salmon is like $12 a pound, can't I use a
lollypop or a nice piece of dried cod?" When it comes to training
for licking labia, you can't skimp! Save the dried cod for her post-
menopausal years.

Not only does salmon have the right look and feel, after a couple of
days it will smell right too. Before diving in, check your salmon
for errant bones and remove any you find with a plier. Important
Note: You don't have to perform this task with a real pussy.

Basic Techniques

Its time to put on some romantic music, pour some wine, grab that
hunk of salmon and master the following techniques. But first, lets
reaquaint ourselves with the female gentalia.

Lets talk technique. Emily Dickenson once wrote that "a good lover's
hands never stop moving." She meant moving on the woman's body, not
on your own johnson or on the remote. Constant motion is important,
and if you're prone to sea sickness, focus on the horizon (or her
Caesarian scar).

A big thanks to my old friend Carmen Electra who helped me out with
this section. I tried out the different techniques on Carmen while
my assistant took notes and photos.

The Lick
Leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed (this is important to avoid
cramping), try licking her from vaginal entrance (that's the hole,
the slit, the crease) up to her clit (that's the clit) and following
the outer edges of her vagina (that's the lips or labia, not her
hips or the edge of the bed) along both sides. Repeating this
technique going up and down and vice versa can be a great opener.
You might try "Hello" as an opener too, if she isn't already spread
eagle on the bed.

Labial Hold
While holding the two parts together with your lips, run your tongue
between the inner and outer labia one side at a time. Don't hold it
too long - labia need to breathe. I sometimes punch a few holes in
them and attach an air freshener.

Tongue Intercourse
The majority of a woman's nerve endings in her vagina are around the
opening and within the first couple of inches inside, or she may
have them in an adorable leather pouch in her purse. Target them
with your tongue, acquiring the target with your heads-up display.
Insert your munitions. This technique, like life itself, is limited
due to length. If our God were a just God, the sum total of tongue
and penis length would be a constant for all men. Sadly, He decided
it would be funnier to leave a bunch of us with limited length in
both areas.

The Flick (also called the Jablonsky)
Spread her outer vaginal lips with your fingers. Wrap them around
your head like a hat. Stop giggling and re-focus. With your tongue
pointed, gently flick your tongue around her clit. Feel free to
roam, but keep coming back to her clit, and if you go to the next
apartment, don't bring that bimbo back with you.

This technique drives some women wild, and others find it to too
intense, and most married women would rather be flipping through
mail order furniture catalogs. When stimulating her clit make sure
to start out gently if you aren't sure how she likes it. If she
likes it shaken not stirred, double-check the size of her "clit."
When you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstasy
or pain or maybe she's waking up.

Advanced Techniques

The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner
is really hot (i.e., very wet, me-so-horny, in heat, lust-filled,
cock-hungry, faking it). These are more intense techniques, and may
be too intense for some women, even when nearing orgasm. They may
also lead to 9-1-1 calls to the police and follow-up restraining
orders. Proceed with caution.

The Clitoris Suck
Expose her clitoris by spreading her lips and lightly pulling back
her hood. When her hood is pulled back, make sure it's really her
and not the cleaning lady, put the hood back and readjust your own
hood in case her's falls off again. With her clitoris exposed, give
it a quick little suck. Now when she tells you that you suck, you
can take it as a compliment! This is a lot like licking a bit of
cake batter off of your pinky, except not as tasty and it shouldn't
bring back fond memories of Mom. We recommend not using your teeth
nor using heavy suction (i.e. vacuum cleaner) when starting out.

The Clitoris Hold
Take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently suck on it,
simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. Don't gag on
it. Swallow what you can and close your eyes and make believe you're
not really there. When asked if you like this, grunt an affirmation.
Go to your happy place until it's all over. Take the pack of smokes
and go back to your cell.This section inadvertently transcribed from
my prison diary

The Clitoris Pick and Roll
Take her exposed clit down to the local bakery. Order a nice Kaiser
roll. Slather with mayo and enjoy.
The Tongue Tube
Roll your tongue into a tube (if you cannot do this, forget about it
because it is genetic and you can't learn it - FYI: the rolling
tongue gene is the same gene for large penises and long tongues).
Roll your tongue into a tube around her clitoris so your tongue is
doing something similar to a woman's vagina around a man's penis. If
you can do this you really should become a homosexual and go find an
actual man's penis. Why waste this talent on a little clitoris?

ABC's
Try using your tongue to spell the alphabet on her genitals. This
works surprisingly well as your tongue is always moving in different
directions. When I'm bored I like to send subliminal messages to my
lover. Stuff like, "Doing the dishes is fun," and "Stop inviting
your annoying friend, Rachel over to our house," and my
favorite, "When are you going to come? I've lost all feeling in my
jaw and Sportcenter started 10 minutes ago." If your lover is a non-
English speaker do your best to simulate Sanskrit, Cyrillic, etc. If
your lover is illiterate, get your face out of her pussy and teach
her to read ferChristsakes.



rm_PurryKitty2 48M/49F
9753 posts
3/18/2006 4:16 am

ABCs? Now that is interesting!!!!!

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