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The Narcissistic Abuser
The Narcissistic Abuser
Originally posted: Nov 27, 2005 1:03 am
Mood: relieved, 2084 Views
Grieving the loss of a relationship with a Narcissistic Personality Disordered abuser has many layers of discovery and healing.
When a normal relationship ends we grieve the deep sense of loss, and the end of our hopes and dreams of it continuing.
The sadness at any spoken hurtful words when it ends.
Feeling nostalgic remembering shared times, places, small laughs and jokes.
The void now that we face the other person’s absence.
The sadness of final goodbyes.
But, grieving the catastrophic relationship with a partner with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, leave us way beyond our depth of understanding and coping abilities. We deal with all of the above, and now we face…
Coming to grips with the horrible understanding that we were not an object of affection but only a Narcissist’s supply source. That, in itself, is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension as we grapple with the realization that someone we loved is incapable of loving us in return.
We are reeling with horror that the person we once loved is not who we thought they were. The shock of this new knowledge and reality that we’re in love with someone with a mental disorder who can instantly and completely delete us from their memory, and attach to a new 'supply source' and appear to be happier without us, is bitterly emotionally painful.
Learning Jekyll is truly Hyde is a jolting shock. Discovering their sadism and misogyny also provide the Narcissist supply as they relish in their ongoing cruelty and deception.
The nightmare of being idealized then devalued. The Narcissists reaction so completely out of proportion.
That “how could I have been so stupid?”, and the embarrassment and shame as it hits us that everything in the whole relationship was a set up in the Narcissists agenda.
The shock that we were targeted, and awareness of our own naiveté. The discovery of serious mental disorders and the false/true nature of this person. Learning the incomprehensible knowledge of their lack of empathy.
Discovering the deception and lies on every level.
Physical exhaustion and impaired health.
Our feelings of protectiveness and pity we felt for them were tools they used to lure us. Our awareness of our susceptibility in having our wonderful nurturing characteristics turned against us by this disordered person.
The conscious awareness of how much abuse was being insidiously dished out that we failed to see over time under the manipulation of the disordered person.
Our enmeshment and struggle ending the relationship as we continue painful contact, unable to sever the connection. Finally, only when we've 'had enough' are we able to end this.
The realization that we were quite possibly raised in families which set us up to head in the path towards these types of abusers.
The terrible realization that we cannot change them. The difference between what our heads know but our hearts long for, remains unresolved, as we realize we cannot help or cure them and the sad futility of attempting to do so.
We face not being believed by anyone about what was done, being isolated, cut off from our support networks, and an inability to warn or even get others to understand, and the knowledge that our very strong desires of reconnecting with them and our actions are only more 'supply'.
The smear campaign hurled at us not only by the Narcissist, but those they deceive.
We endure the harsh betrayal of our own families and friend under the deception of these abusers.
The beginning of understanding of them all around us in our lives as we begin to see them under every bush.
And now, grappling with the weaknesses of our own thoughts, we fight the relationship addiction, and we find the strengths we thought we had crumbling away when we need them most.
The final horror that we are changed forever in this life-altering experience. The permanent loss of innocence and seeing the same characteristics of our abusers in ourselves as we struggle to claim our independence.
The residue of this experience will be an inability to trust with the innocence we had before. The lucky ones end up with self reliance and an ability to cope with the abusers who may cross our path in future.
8/13/2009 5:58 pm
Read Sam Vaknin. Narcissistic Personality Disorder.|