She's Dead Jim!  

10 posts
12/9/2005 11:12 pm

Last Read:
7/21/2006 12:49 am

She's Dead Jim!

My father died this time last year, rather suddenly and unexpected (he was living with his brother. We found out when the hospital called asking us to release the body..but that is for another entry..or maybe another blog all together). I looked over his obituary and began to wonder.

At what age should it not matter what you die of?

My father was 83, had not taken care of himself since he retired at 62 1/2 and had sat around for so long doing absolutely nothing except watching reruns of "Lawrence Welk and his Champagne Music" and reading Zane Grey novels that he had muscle atrophy in his legs and had to have a walker. (Trust me. Ornery till the day he died, god love him.)

So anyway, his obit read "died after a brief illness." OK. He was 83. He had been in poor health for at least 10 years. I treated every time I saw him as the last time so everything I had to say was said. Dad and I were in good stead when he passed. Why not say "he was 83 and died of natural causes" which is a nice was of saying "he was old and died."

But I get kinda peeved at these obits of elderly folks that go on and on about "Anne Smith, 90, deaconess, mother of 10, blah blah blah, died of cancer." CANCER...SHE WAS 90.

Or "Mack James, 85, veteran, father of 7..that we know of...mason..yaddy yaddy..died of heart failure." IT FAILED BECAUSE...(drum roll please) HE WAS OLD!

Now I know that death comes to everyone but I am not going to go quietly into that good night. I hear women and men talking about "retiring" and "finding a nice retirement village" where they can have housekeeping come in and meals served in a communal dining hall and be around people their own age and just wait to fucking die.

Not me. First of all..hey...where is my blog..ON AN ADULT WEBSITE. What do you think is going to be going on in the old folks home that I would be in. Alternative Rock, Music, Punk Rock (yes Virginia, the Ramones were actually a punk band). There will be a huge group of folks in line at the dining room in old faded rock concert T-shirts (Korn, System of a Down, Ozzy) and someone is bound to have an Aqua Pipe and some "tobacco"..hey..the food sucks here you need this to make it palatable. And old men will be chasing old women and visa versa and everyone will just take out their teeth and take care of business because they are all too old to cut the mustard but still young enough to lick the jar.

Anyway...not me. Fuck that. Where's grandma going Jimmy? Grandma took up base jumping.

Yeah that's what I want to see in an old fart's obit. John Turloe, 95, Great-Grandfather, Grandfather, Father. Greasy spot at the base of the WTVR Channel 6 tower because he took up base jumping and pulled the wrong cord and lost his parachute."


"Jane Bateman, 90, died in Daytona Beach at bike week on a brand new Harley she had just purchased. She was buck naked and hit a semi head on at 100 mph. Granted she sounded like a deck of playing cards in the spokes of a 10 speed running down hill before impact but she went out with a bang."

Yeah I think my obit will read something like this.

"Wycked_Wyccan, passed today at the age of 104. She died trying to take the championship buckle up for grabs at the Professional Bull Riding championships. She was bucked off of Blueberry Wine and tea bagged by the bull on his way to the shoot. We are not sure what actually killed her but we know she went out living high and coveting a silver belt buckle as big as a dinner plate."

I want folks to talk about my ass when I'm gone. Not huddle around the coffin and say stuff like "boy dont she look good"? Fuck No I dont look good, I'm dead.

"I havent seen her look that good in a long time." Well its not like you to visit much you worthless cur unless you were begging money.

"She was so sweet." OK this is the person that has lost their ever lovin mind. Sweet? Me? Oh hell no. I'll be one of those grouchy old biddies, swinging a cane and tripping little kids in the mall just for shits and giggles.

Yeah I want them to say things like "Remember the time she jumped up on Aunty. Yeah remember how that started 'I dont mean to hurt your feelings or nothing but..' and proceeded to hurt her feelings, her kids feelings, her husband's feelings and threatened to plant her size 6 up his fat ass. She also told him that if his lazy ass belonged to her, she'd feed him fried eggs, bacon and buttered white toast at every breakfast and steak and baked potatoes with butter and sour cream every night for dinner. The only thing he'd ever see green if they were married was the buggers in his handkerchief and her money that he couldn't have. She'd have killed him from a heart attack before the year was out and collected the fat insurance on him. OH my god.. What a Christmas that was."

yeah...thats me...building those sentimental memories that will make me immortal.

jackrorabbit 47M
56 posts
12/11/2005 7:42 am

The age doesn't matter, its the quality of life. When someone can no longer care for themselves (can't eat, can't get up, cant interact with any meaning) they no longer have a quality of life and are probably ready for the next step and probably a better step. I have family that is 88 and still going strong, and just recently lost an aunt who was only 61, but was on dialisis, had heart problems, and diabities as well as liver failier. So for her it was far better to go "home". It just always sucks to lose someone at Christmas time. I should know, both of my fathers parents and just yesterday my wifes grandfather. It changes x-mas forever. Good luck with your christmas and try to remember the good times you had with the family.

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