The Five Languages Of Love--True Or False?  

wistfuljester 64M
1259 posts
7/14/2006 4:43 pm

Last Read:
7/19/2006 10:53 pm

The Five Languages Of Love--True Or False?

"How do I love thee. Let me count the ways," wrote Shakespeare in his famous love sonnet. But according to Gary Chapman, Ph.D., there are only five ways to express love.

In his book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Dr. Chapman writes that spouses may not feel fully loved because each is not expressing love in a way the other prefers.

We all have a primary love language, claims Chapman, a way we want love to be shown to us. If your spouse does not express love to you in your primary language, you may feel unloved even though she cares deeply for you. It is as if you speak English but your spouse speaks to you in French. Or you prefer oranges but she gives you apples instead.

The five primary love languages are as follows:

Words of affirmation. You tell your spouse how much you love him, or how handsome he looks to you, or how glad you are you married him, or how much you appreciate what he just did for you--all of which is designed to enhance his self-esteem, to build him up.

Quality time. You spend quality time with your spouse when you are focused on each other and are not distracted by other activities. An intimate dinner, time to really listen to her talk about her feelings, a walk together holding hands--these are all examples of quality time.

Receiving gifts. Those small, unexpected gifts may help your spouse feel more loved by you. Flowers, a card which expresses love or a gift you give him after returning from a business trip are examples of presents which express love.

Acts of service. These are the little things you do for your spouse to show caring. Cooking his favorite meal, sewing a button on his shirt, having the oil changed in her car or bringing her a cup of coffee in the morning are examples of acts of service.

Physical touch. This is not only about good sex, although it may be a part of it. Hugs, kisses, backrubs or touching her shoulder as you pass her by are other examples of physical touch.

Just as you want to express love to your spouse in his primary love language, you also want him to express love to you in your primary language. Each of you can determine what is your primary love language by asking yourself several questions.

How do you usually show love to your spouse? The way you express love may be the way you want love shown to you but it may not be the primary way she wants to receive it.

What do you most frequently request from your spouse? Do you usually ask for more touching or time or verbal expressions of love?

What does your spouse do or say, or fails to do or say, which wounds you most deeply? If harsh, critical words are deeply hurtful, perhaps words of affirmation are your primary love language. If you are angry when your spouse spends too much time at work or play, then quality time may be your primary love language.

What this question implies, sadly, is that your primary love language can be a double-edged sword. It is the way your spouse can best show love to you, but it is also the way he can hurt you the most.

Finally, what might you not have received in childhood as expressions of love from your parents? Did you want them to spend more time with you playing games? Did they criticize more than praise you or fail to hug or kiss you often? What you missed in childhood may have become your primary love language in adulthood.

SuzieQ4U60 61F

7/14/2006 9:52 pm

Oh Wistful,

I have read this book...and it rings very true.
My love language is acts of service.........


wistfuljester replies on 7/14/2006 11:58 pm:
Giving, receiving, or both?

SuzieQ4U60 61F

7/15/2006 3:38 pm

Receiving Wistful...... The love language that speaks to me is acts of service. I would give what ever the other persons language was.

PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
7/15/2006 3:55 pm

Receiving.... it would be physical touch for me right now. Giving... it depends on my partner.

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

wistfuljester 64M

7/15/2006 10:45 pm

I think for me, receiving physical touch is probably the primary one, although really quality time is very important to me, too.

PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
7/17/2006 10:23 am

Ummm... not to be a nitpicker but (and now I proceed to contradict myself...) I just re-read the opening sentence. That sonnet is actually by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. The Bard wrote the one starting "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

wistfuljester replies on 7/17/2006 10:04 pm:
Golly, Princess--you're absolutely right!


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