|Blogs > willudomeharder > needitwantitgottahaveit|
I am a middle child. I have always been the "one" my family comes to with their problems with each other. I'm the one that tries to make people laugh when they're sad, will send you flowers and a naughty card on your birthday, will come get you when your car breaks down 50 miles away in the middle of the night. Even with my friends, this is the role I somehow always seem to get. I'm the peace keeper...I'm the sounding board...I'm the "referee." 99% of the time, I love this "position," because it means my friends and family trust me enough to come to with these things. It's good that they think this...lol..because I usually tend to give my opinion anyway.
I have a question. One of my good friends made a comment the other day that kind of...stunned me. OK - here's the deal:
One of my friends, "Tricia" is having trouble with her man. She's convinced he's cheating on her while she's at work - even though he swears he's not and has even showed her his paycheck stubs to prove he too had been at work all day. She, in my opinion, is just paranoid and craves attention...and he, for some reason, puts up with all of her drama. I love the girl, I do...but she has ALOT of drama..ALL THE TIME. So, we met for dinner a couple nights ago. She told me all about her suspicions and how while she didn't have any actual "proof" she just had a gut feeling. Her "suspicions" were completely ludicrous! For instance (her reasons):
#1 He took her car to get the oil changed for her...well...they vacuumed it out and washed the windows and everything too (something I would think was really sweet) but when he got home with it (they must have used some kind of air freshener or sprayed something on the seats) because she swore it "smelled like a girl had been in there." I asked her if it smelled like perfume or hairspray...or anything like that. She said "no..more like one of those renuzit air fresheners." Even after I told her what it probably was from & that seeing as how he was only gone for about 45 minutes, it would seem pretty unlikely he would have had time to go pick up some hoochie and have all the work done.
#2 She said, when she came home from work the other day, he had been there on his lunch break (like he always does) and there were TWO plates in the sink! Even though she cant remember if there were any dishes in there that morning or not...she was convinced that he had a girl over at her house for lunch.
Now...first and foremost...she is my girl, so I was really trying to see her point of view. I told her that if it bothered her that much, she just needed to ask him about it (which she doesn't want to do until she has more "proof"). This is where it got a little heated...our conversation:
ME "If you don't trust him, and are just going to be looking for dirt all the time, why do you want to be with him? If you are SO convinced that he's cheating...why stay?"
HER "Because i need to know for sure."
ME: "Trish, I swear, if you could step out of yourself and listen to what you're saying, you would realize how silly it sounds. "Trey" loves you. He's already shown you his time-cards from work, he's always with you...what more do you want from him? A leash?"
HER: "I can't explain it...I just know it in my gut..something is going on."
ME: "OK...if you really believe it that strongly, then you need to TALK TO HIM."
HER: "I can't!"
ME: "Why not?"
HER: "Never mind, you wouldn't understand."
ME: "We have been friends for 9 years - you honestly think I wouldn't understand?"
HER: (getting upset) "I'm not sure if you would or not...i think you're biased."
ME: "Biased? What the crap does that mean?"
HER: (stuttering and not making eye contact with me) "Well...honestly...you stayed in a bad relationship...how would you know?"
At this point..my whole body froze, and I just stared at her with my mouth open...seriously in a state of shock. After about a minute, I set my fork down and excused myself from the table. I had to go outside and have a cigarette.
I know you probably don't want to know this...but oh well...if you're still reading by this point, you deserve it. I was married to an abusive man for about 4 years. We divorced about 9 months ago. It started about a year and a half in...and continued till a little over a year ago. He put me in the hospital four times, and yet I kept going back to him. Stupid I know I know I know. But, that's over now and I am doing everything I can to get past it & move on. I HATE having to depend or lean on people, and had way too much pride to admit that I was wrong. I don't like talking about my problems or throwing "pity-parties," so I just don't talk about it...even with my best friends.
So...for her to say that...for her to compare her nit-picking of her wonderful boyfriend to the shit that I went through (most of my own doing, I know)...royally pissed me off..like really really pissed me off. Like, I don't want to speak to her again...I don't want to see her, and I certainly don't want to listen to her bitching about her perfect life again.
So, my question is this: Where is the line? Where is the line between things it's OK to say to friends, and things it's definitely not OK to say? And...when you know you've crossed that line, how could you ever try to make up for it? Or...when someone has crossed the line on you...why the fuck should you "take them back?"
** I know I owe like a million happy posts now, but I just need objective opinions!**
6/21/2006 8:44 pm
damn but that is a tough one . First ya need to take a deep breath and examine it through your filter of friendship. Did she mean to be hurtful or not if your heart tells you to forgive her then do so. Life is to short for squabbles and mistrust. Remember you can only be hurt by those you care about.|
6/21/2006 11:54 pm
I remember when I was young like you and had these types of problems. I found that in order to live life and be happy you MUST trust people who are close to you. When you do that and you get the shaft you will find that the only ones that get hurt, I mean really hurt, are the ones who break the trust. I am sure that your HUBBY NEVER cheated on you with anyone!! He would be a fool. I am also sure that if you cheated on him he would forgive you. Men usually know, even if they are always jealous,(we're that way because of the caveman,territory thing) when somethings not right in a relationship. it's just hard for us to change, especially at my age when you're old and SLOW. You know I once had a friend who had No idea what his wife had been up to for the first ten years of their Marriage. He finally realized though that it didn't matter because he loved her so much. It wasn't obsession or the kids it was because he Truly loved her with his soul. They almost got divorced but something kept them together and they made the most wonderful life ANYONE could ever have. They even started an Adult web site that brought them in a ton of money and it made their sex life incredible. They even asked me to come play one day but then realized they didn't want to share because they had so much making up for lost time sex that they really never got out. Now they are getting really old but they still have sex 3 times a day And perform on cam 4 hours every evening. Makes me wish me and Minne had a web cam I think you should trust your HUBBY and yourself but never let him or you fall into a life like we had in the beginning where we were afraid to tell each other the truth. It will keep you sain and NOT paranoid. Staying off of drugs and on the sex will probably help more than either one of you realize too. Just goto your Hubby, If he is still around, and meet him someplace where you both can share your intimate feelings. Take some coffee and go up on the mountain or something. Its a safe and serene place where you can talk and maybe even get frisky. Trust me Kid you just need to ALWAYS let your feelings out in a CALM and GENTLE way, It sounds like he might have to do that also. Well I hope you have a great day Me and my Wife are off to watch the Playboy channel to learn a bit more about this new life we're finding. Hey maybe if you have satellite you and yours could do the same.|
Well, We'll See ya kid, and let me know how it goes. yours truly
Beakmeinplease at breakthru.com That's supposed to be break me in. See what happens when you get OLD
xxxoooxxx lots of those xxx's
6/22/2006 6:27 am
Thanks all of you that took the time to read my incoherent ramblings...sorry...lol...just a momentary breakdown. I know what you're saying Micah, it's just the trusting people SUCKS! I'll have to give it a couple days I think & see how I feel. Right now, I'm still too mad - but I'm not sure exactly who it is that I'm mad at.|
Ummmmm....Takemoneyrun.....what is up with the dressing up of your naughty bits? Kinda freaky....
8/22/2006 2:35 pm
unfortunately it will never be the same again, probably why I have so few close friends