|Blogs > wildone20001973 > Wild One 20001973|
The first days of my journey are going well. I never thought I would be going on such a journey. Finding yourself, seems so silly. I mean what really is finding yourself. You are standing right there, you aren't really lost. But I have found you can be lost to yourself in so many ways. I guess I never questioned sexuality before, but I find that my self esteem, my happiness, my life is all tied to it. I don't question if I am heterosexual or not, but I do question why I have always allowed bad sex. I don't even know what I personally enjoy.
My self -esteem has taken a beating over the last several years. 5 Years with one guy for it all to go to hell. I feel like I wasted so many years. I am not sure I truly recovered, or at least stopped hanging on to this hurt until recently. Plus I have allowed so many guys that were only out to please themselves. I want to please someone else, but don't I deserved to orgasim to, don't I deserve to actually feel something, and not start and stop his pleasure alone. I am not talking sex only here. I am talking eating, drinking, smoking, whatever.
I can't help but think that the self-esteem is part of the health problems. I am so tired of living for everyone else. To some point my life will never be my own again. I have a beautiful daughter whom I love more than my own life. But sometimes I wish for simpler days. Then I think again, that those days sucked. I have always lived my life in someone's shadow, or allowed someone to dictate who I should be. I haven't allowed myself to be free, to be who and what I wanted to be and to hell with what others thought. I know I need to be considerate of others feelings and I want to be, but I do also know I need to put less emphasises on others.
I guess I should at least put some of my goals in here. I am working towards something specific, so I need to list out what I want. I want to try any thing and every thing that scares me. I want to try any thing and every thing that intriques me. Most of all, I want to do what pleases me and my daughter. I want to build a new and better life. I want to be the best mother I can be, but be true to myself as well.
5/27/2006 7:43 am
I think that you have come to realize what a lot of people never understand. It is important to be true to yourself first, your beautiful daughter second and everything else follows. It's a proven fact that it works.|
The years you talk about as wasted? There is really no such thing. The are learning years, years to bring you to the point that you have begun this journey of exploration of yourself.
It is time to relax and enjoy and find that which you are looking for.