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Lust Revisted-Part Two
Lust Revisted-Part Two
So....B had been calling and leaving messages about wanting to see me again. He finally left a message saying he would try one more time, and then he would give up. Now, I really do like this man and feel we could have a good friendship if it weren't for all this sexual and emotional tension we have between us. I didn't want to lose contact, and I did want to lend an ear when he needed it regarding his current situation. I called him back. Fuck, what a mistake.
Something had changed. Specifically, something in him had changed. He wanted to see me, and I agreed.
Getting ready, I felt fine, I mean really fine. I figured we'd have bad sex, I could finally call it a day, and be done.
God, he's beautiful. I was fine...we were just having sex...I was fine. Ok, he's saying the things that I've always wanted him to say, but I'm fine...really. Damn, why is he looking at me like that...I've never seen that. Oh no...please don't explain that this is better because he finally has a chance to see me. No no no...do NOT tell me that you have been crazy about me all along. DON'T tell me that this is what you've wanted all along. Don't gently pull the hair out of my eyes and then tell me how sexy they are. Please don't make love to me, please just fuck me. Please, PLEASE don't be hard when I want you to be and tender when I need you to be.
It was everything I've ever wanted with him, but I still thought I'd be ok. It finally hit me last night....I am not ok.
I love him still...I crave him more than ever. I still care about him as a friend and that is what drives me to help him to find ways to put his family back together...all the while knowing that this is what will take him away and leave me alone...without him...once again.
I don't feel as though I can see him without emotionally attaching, and the bitch of it all is that he seems to want me to attach. I think it's just too damn late...I jumped in and went way over my head. I think I could manage to get out of this with minor bumps and bruises if I totally detach right now but the realistic part of me knows that there is no way I can leave yet. This will end badly for me, and I can't seem to stop the inevitable love/obsession train wreck that is headed my way.