Dangerous Dichotomy  

widowsaddiction 47F
166 posts
3/28/2006 8:26 pm

Last Read:
3/29/2006 10:31 pm

Dangerous Dichotomy

Well, leave it to me to put myself in some kind of fucked situation. This man that I'm crazy about....we met when he was unhappily married. Now....he's not, he's just unhappy without the woman after her.

I, on the other hand, can't say I'm happily married, but I can say I'm comfortably married, and I intend on staying that way.

Therein lies the dichotomy. I want to be with this man so badly...all the time, day and night. I think about him constantly, have to physically restrain myself from becoming a psycho stalker (he should thank me....that is some tough shit to accomplish) and I want him...want him...want him.

It's not going to happen. This relationship is doomed no matter what. As I see it, here are my options:

a) Stick around and soak up every moment he manages to give me until she comes back.
b) Stick around until she decides not to come back , at which time he will start dating and doesn't need me anymore.
c) Leave him now to save myself.

Honestly, I hate all three options. The killer of it all, is I know that I really need to go with option C. This man is a taker, and I am a giver, but there is no "give and take" in this relationship. The problem with that is....the taker takes until the giver has nothing left to give. The taker ends up happy, content, satisfied....and the giver is used up, drained and left damaged.

Who am I kidding....I'm already damaged.


SecretEarNoTears 47F  
766 posts
3/29/2006 11:16 am

Oh...but the take does continue to take...even after there is 'nothing left to give'. He takes the damaged parts and in return becomes damaged himself. I’ve seen it to many times from men on here. If you do really want him happy and have the pure love for him as you noted in your other blogs you will go with ‘option C’ as you know it will be best for both of you. Letting go not sends him off for a healthier relationship it lets you do the same.

Here is a quote from an ‘pen pal’ of mine clear across the country that he sent to me right before Christmas... it’s about an ‘ex’ of mine and what I was going through...I offer the same thing to you now.: “...Stop letting the guy in. It makes your life miserable. I don't know how many times I've heard words reeking of heartbreak coming from you the past couple of months. That's not how life should be lived. Fix it. It's never, never going to be good...”

After I read this I was very mad at first but eventually saw that he was right. I also saw that the more I tried to help him it was never and would never be enough nor good enough. I also saw him differently...a man without trust & peace in his life and that is where I was feeling the heartbreak coming from every time he would come around. Knowing that he had such issues with letting others in...especially myself, hurt me so deeply, as I do freely give of myself no matter what...especially trust & peace. The two things he struggles with because of the damage he inflicts and the damage he receives from others. Knowing how the past few Christmases had been on me I decided to do something for myself this year. I let go.

Since, I’ve only had one setback but, through this so called setback of mine I have found that I did let go and kept all of our good memories with me. And it’s what has kept me sane, trusting & peaceful in all my other encounters...

All my best & good luck!


SecretEarNoTears 47F  
766 posts
3/29/2006 12:24 pm

Well now...I must have not had enough coffee when I wrote that post...I'm sorry... can I try again?? This time with a bit better grammar???

Oh...but the taker does continue to take...even after you have 'nothing left to give'. He takes the damaged parts and in return becomes damaged himself. I’ve seen it too many times from men on here. If you do really want him happy and have the pure love for him as you noted in your other blogs you will go with ‘option C’ as you know it will be best for both of you. Letting go not only sends him off for a healthier relationship it lets you do the same.

Here is a quote from an ‘pen pal’ of mine clear across the country that he sent to me right before Christmas... it’s about an ‘ex’ of mine and what I was going through...I offer the same thing to you now.: “...Stop letting the guy in. It makes your life miserable. I don't know how many times I've heard words reeking of heartbreak coming from you the past couple of months. That's not how life should be lived. Fix it. It's never, never going to be good...”

After I read this I was very mad but eventually saw that he was right. I also saw that the more I tried to help him it was never and would never be enough nor good enough. I also saw him differently...a man without trust & peace in his life and that is where I was feeling the heartbreak coming from every time he would come around. Knowing that he had such issues with letting others in...especially myself, hurt me as I do freely give of myself no matter what...especially trust & peace. The two things he struggles with because of the damage he inflicts and the damage he receives from others. Knowing how the past few Christmases had been on me I decided to do something for myself this year. I let go

Since, I’ve only had one setback but, through this so called setback of mine I have found that I did let go and kept all of our good memories with me. And it’s what has kept me sane, trusting & peaceful in all my other encounters...

All my best & good luck!


widowsaddiction 47F

3/29/2006 10:19 pm

You know, I really do appreciate your insight Secret. I know you have gone through some rough stuff yourself, and I really do thank you for giving me your words. Your pen pal is so right...so right that it doesn't even make me mad. Tell him/her that I said thank you.

I didn't notice any mistakes....but I'm tired LOL


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