|Blogs > whoknew411 > Mentally Challenged Dating|
Back in NY again.
Back in NY again.
This fine Sunday leads me back to NY for work. I'm in the Fishkill Holiday Inn for the next week or so.
It's hard being away from friends and the girl. The people in the room next to me are throwing a party and it's unfortunate because I can't join in on the fun, and they're too loud to ignore.
So I sit alone on a Sunday night in a hotel room drinking Budweiser and wondering when my next human connection will be. The movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind is on. Next to Jaws I think it's Dreyfus's best flick.
Something about traveling for work makes me lonely. It's not just being away from people I know, there's more to it. I think the comfort of my stuff at home is as much a part of it as anything.
I miss my bed, the smell of my sheets and dirty clothes I never learned not to throw on the floor before I sleep. I miss my computer and my favorite chair and knowing my guitar is there even though I hardly play it.
I've been thinking lately about commitment and the future and what I can deal with in other people. It's hard telling how picky a person should be with other folks. Some things are clearly unacceptable but there's such a large grey area for other things.
On a happy note, a friend's girlfriend is pregnant and she's going to keep the baby and have a family. The day after I found out I gave them a computer. They needed something like that, and I have a glut of them. They're a sort of tragic couple, he's a alcoholic, she's always stoned. Come to think of it he's always stoned too.
I hope they do well and don't mess up their kid too much. They seem so young to me, I'm only a few years older than they are. And I certainly don't feel qualified to raise a kid. I wanted to have a kid when I was younger, but as I got older it became clear that I couldn't get along with people long enough to have a family life.
I take after my father that way I think, it's my understanding that the only thing he ever wanted in life was a family to love and to love him, and he never got it. I don't mean to imply that he's not loved, but as far as I know he's never lived in the same house with his child and wife.
And that's my fear. I'm worried that if I get married that it will end like my parent's marriage did. The woman I love is difficult.
She's really been great since we got back together, but I'm concerned that when the going gets tough, she'll turn me insane. It's not hard, I'm nearly insane just from work and such, and she's got a hold on my intensity level.
Haha, the Fishkill nightly news just led with a local story about two high school cheerleaders having sex with each other then going to jail on an unrelated charge. Gotta love the pandering to sex drive in media.
Speaking of sex drive, I've got a real concern about sex and I figure of all places this is the appropriate place for advice about it.
Being with such a strong feminist woman I'm having to deal with issues that most men don't have to. She truly thinks that most of my sex drive is an evil thing that should be suppressed in all men. I don't quite know how to deal with that in perspective with her other qualities. She's so good, she's a genuinely good person whom I would trust with my life. But she hates my lust, even when it's directed at her.
For me, affection and lust are twined, for her they are completely separate. I fear this will never change for her. Her strong affection for me will never translate into wanting to please me sexually. Her politics steers her towards looking at sexual encounters from an economic perspective. Sex is an equal exchange of goods and services in her mind.
I have fucked her for 4 years and she's never once had an orgasm when my dick is in her. She still comes every time, I make sure of it. But I have to admit that I wish it were different, I wish it were my dick giving her that pleasure rather than my tongue or finger.
I'm concerned that she's found out that I'm on AdultFriendFinder and that she knows about this blog. I wanted something private where I could talk to other people but I think the cat is out of the bag.
So it's still late on a Sunday night, and I'm still alone in a hotel in Fishkill NY. I want to marry a woman who will forever hate my sex. Damnit.
11/6/2005 9:50 pm
Be sure to look me up if business ever brings you here. You won't have to be alone, and I'll even respect your relationship if you want me to, and just be a platonic friend. |
11/11/2005 3:52 am
If you want to be in AdultFriendFinder in almost your life marry her. Although sex is not all, but it must be part of the package. It helps to smoothen things when marriege needs mending.|
11/14/2005 10:11 pm
(I'm female ignore the stupid siluette)|
Hate to say it, honey, but I agree with moohand.
Don't know the source of her hangups but I don't think that's quite normal and you'll be missing something the rest of your life that most likely will eventually make you wander...
A marriage has to have love but it also has to have great sex to last unless you have no sex drive or are that inhibited yourself...love and great sex are NOT mutually exclusive...
I've gotten to the point where most of the good men my age are already taken around here but they aren't all happy...and it's depressing to me to find that they continually want to come knocking around my door, so to speak----they got the house, the dog, the kids, and somebody to wash their clothes---but they're still lonely.
And it is loneliness. I'm a friendly person, easy to talk to,I also am conceited enough to think I'm hot but I don't think I come across slutty. A lot of these guys I get to know through work. And a lot of them I come to genuinely like. It's at that point that they let me on to the fact that they're into me....and that really wasn't what I intended...I want something built to last...
I want my best friend, and I want him to like sex with me ALOT!! 'Cause if you get left wanting, the mind tends to stray and then the rest eventually tends to follow...