|Blogs > whineyblonde0r > incessant paroxysms|
When the time comes that your just cynical enough about life and its rewards, Do you ever wonder if just shucking all past thoughts and actions to restart new. Define a different goal for yourself.Get "rid" of the trigger points that make you react in a certain way>>>> What is a need...a want...a desire...and who or what will fulfill that? It is such a personal me thing that drives you through life. Of course, the responsibilities of life invade and you do them willingly?It does come down to what you place importance on, what you make the priority and adjusting those as you feel different needs, wants and desires run through your head.
What I do with my free time varies, but it seems like I let things clog that up occasionally. Spur of the moment is most likely the way I'll conduct things in my "today life". I stopped planning things. Does that take away the anticipation factor of life? Looking forward to something?
Alot of the blogs I am currently writing pertain to my life and its past drama...my current thoughts and some wishes for a future. To put those in writing seems to be taking the place of just sharing the thoughts with another human on a deeply personal level. There are things I won't divuldge in the blogs. Secret little dramas that stay within my head to be explored in depth with another living breathing (against my neck? if could be)person. Things that need to be explained with eye contact included and slight knowing touches to be included when interacting in such a manner.
I dont for instance, particularly like the smell of vodka. A huge side story of my singular drama, called life.
Funerals are no goes, I havent been to one in years, and the only one I felt a particularly need to go to...wasnt held.
Hospitals, the smell invades my senses and unless it is a happy baby type occasion or non-serious thing. I dislike walking into any hospital.
Carnations...they are lovely, but when I was presented with a huge boquet, I took them to my mothers to be enjoyed by her..They smell of a funeral.
Insecurites invade sometimes...There is little to be insecure about in my life at this point, but..within relationships, I tend to want to be told or "know" he totally is into me. Acceptance despite all he might learn about me? That might? be why I like to be touched. That works to alliviate the wondering. Long side story dating back to when I was a young 16..and learning my identity and acceptance from others, especially this cute wild neighbor boy.
Sooo..Life does become your own little one man drama, sometimes biting, sometimes totally overwhelming and sometimes such complete happiness you wonder IF it can get better? But dont really care cause you live for today...Dont expect for tomorrow and accept your own actions and decisions and hope sometimes? you can honestly say...I dont need a thing in the world. Ive got it all right here.
6/11/2006 1:59 pm
You can just sit back and let it happen, or you can get up and go get it. Both have pros and cons. However neither way alone will keep a person happy for long. I think we each need to find our own personal balance which works to our best advantage, and be aware of that balance shifting from time to time, adjusting then accordingly.|