A curve ball! Life can be so unfair sometimes. I wish I could............  

wetnwildaquarius 43F
574 posts
8/9/2005 8:19 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A curve ball! Life can be so unfair sometimes. I wish I could............

I am only in my early thirties and it seems as though my life is still taking form. I am still trying to find who I am and where I belong. I am confused at times because I have been down so many wrong paths that I started to question my ability in being able to decipher; what's the right way to go verses the wrong way. I have always been a dare devil and like taking risk. Now I am at a point where I am tired of that even. What is happening to me and why don't I find amusement in the things I use to enjoy the most. Then, I saw my ex-fiance that I have been mentioning for the longest and when I saw him I no longer had the urge to fuck him nor talk to him. That's a first, but then he has never ignored me before like he has done in the last four months. He has asked me to come home on several occasions, but I keep turning him down.

There was a time when he needed me; I would jump and be there in a heart beat. Now it's like every time I think of him all I feel is pain and tears begin to fall from my eyes. I wanted so much for him to turn his life around and he would not do it for us. I thought by now I would be over it, but I'm still hurting and it won't stop. I felt like I have tried to just let it go, but then there is always something around reminding of all that we have shared. I have never loved anyone this deep and to turn around and let it all go. This really hurts bad and no matter what I do; I still think of him and want to curse him out in several different languages just to feel better.

I have done many things to keep my mind preoccupied so that I can just forget about him and all that he has taken me through. I have been unsuccessful in doing so. At times I don't think about it at all and other times I start to think. I thought if I was with another man or just fuck someone else I could forget, but it did not work either. So all of these twist and turns are not working for me. I am dealing with this pain slowly as I can now for I know now this pain runs deep within me. This pain is not only from him alone, but from several failed relationships that just never amounted to anything good for me or my family. This pain goes alot deeper than just this man alone and now I have been getting to the root of my failed relationships with men. I don't think it's all the men's fault, but also my track record with men has been rather hard especially if you have been a victim.

That's why when I came here; I did not have a positive way of thinking about men in general and that was wrong of me. I know I have unresolved pain that lies underneath and it's killing me inside. I can't seem to meet a decent man without him becoming abusive or destructive. I keep associating myself with the wrong kind of men and I have to find out why. I am so confused about my life that I don't enjoy doing too much of anything. I can't trust my own judgment anymore so now I stay in and stare out my window. Wondering what life could have been like if men would have never abused me in the first place. I feel like I have been destroyed and I can't repair myself from it.

Why did life do this to me? I hate being here. I know I will never meet the right kind of man for my life nor will I ever experince real happiness without wondering if the next man is going to abuse me or just leave me because he can't understand why I am the way that I am. Life has been so unfair to me and now I feel so dead inside. Here I am just beginning my prime and very unhappy. I guess this is all life has to offer a woman like myself. I guess life threw me the curve ball and hit me right in the face. Love will never love me!


rm_vixenflir 58M
295 posts
8/9/2005 8:36 am

Buck-up little camper!!!You already know there are plenty of men on this site who would love to meet you. I know you don't think the empty feeling will ever leave, but it WILL decrease with time. Look forward. S


tamethytension 54M
2320 posts
8/9/2005 8:37 am

I only just came across your blog. I am sorry I have not been there for you, though I see that others like talldarkavg1 have provided words of encouragement. I can only say that many, if not most, of us have been where you are now. Not to say I can possibly know the basis of your despair, as that is a very personal thing, but I have seen it all too often in the eyes of many friends. That it is killing you inside tells me that perhaps you should seek therapy beyond what revealing you pain here may provide. As much as I would hope that you know there is a community of support here, most especially among the many women who can relate a similar life experience, I think you could really benefit from on-on-one with a live person.

Short of that, I can only re-assure you that, with ONLY one-fifth of your adult life complete, you have a great deal to which to look forward.

cheers

TTT


Barbiedoll2003 63F

8/9/2005 9:12 am

Why did life do this to me? I hate being here. I know I will never meet the right kind of man for my life nor will I ever experince real happiness without wondering if the next man is going to abuse me or just leave me because he can't understand why I am the way that I am. Life has been so unfair to me and now I feel so dead inside. Here I am just beginning my prime and very unhappy

girl friend.....change that attitude.. Like Carol King said...You got to get up every morning with a smile of your face and show the world..all the love in your heart!!

Take every word back you wrote in this post...Banish it from your mind...Dont speak those words...that gives them life !!! You will find love..or it will find you...We're not here to be alone..

Make one change in your life! I dont know if its Give up smoking..or get up early and watch a sunrise..one day a week....and see the beauty in that sunrise! Think good thoughts...We've all gone through abuse..Me included....Ive got unbelievable past pain..that I as a 52 (almost) year old woman had to rise above...and it was an unbelievable barrier to climb over..

you can do it..you're still young...Im the old one here..but Im telling you...it will get better!!!


redmustang91 57M  
8599 posts
8/9/2005 9:14 am

Sorry for your misfortune. Guys try to problem solve while women usually sympathize. If your track record is so bad in choosing men why not ask a woman friend to help you pick a guy? Sometimes others are better at seeing what you need than you are. Try it as it cannot be worse than you are doing so far! I hope the future is kinder to you. Sometimes focusing on improving yourself and helping others puts you in a better place.


ByteChaser2 52M

8/9/2005 9:22 am

Fellow Aquarian and kindred spirit. I'm on that path right there with you. Kind of wondering if I'll ever forget... Eventually, one would hope.

Your on your way. Just remember to leave a trail so you can find your way back from the wrong paths!


FriendlyTickler 45M

8/9/2005 11:43 am

In our lives we are often tested. There are days that are just unrelenting, the ones that make you want to hide from the world and then there are those that are tolerable. But each day is a new challenge. Nothing is given to us and we must earn what we recieve from each and every day. That is why each day must be started off in an optimistic approach, you know, the glass is half full sorta thing. That doesn't mean that the day/glass will necessarily finish full of water but it's a start in the right direction.

It's not always as easy as I stated above though. When you deal with other people you are dealing with the unkown, the unpredictable..... the variable. The world is filled with people of all types. Different sizes, shapes and most importantly personalities. In the search for the "one" that best fits you, you will certainly have to weed out the many bad to find the one good one. This takes time which you have. I like to think that 30's are a good young age and a great time to be alive. Its not likely that the first, second or even third guy will be the right one, patience is a prerequisite in selecting someone for the long haul. What you or others will have to endure along the way? who knows, we all have to walk our own road. But it's that walk that we take our experiences from, and it's through those experiences that we learn who we are and what it is that we are REALLY looking for in that special someone.

Your road has been rough, your speed bumps have been painful, but from it where do you stand today? A stronger woman I would hope. Not a woman in despair. Your mind and soul have been hardened, not easily fooled and developed well enough to know what is good and bad for you. Your in a good position to move forward.

Your recent posts have been deep. I have stayed clear until this one. Don't get lost. Have faith in yourself, trust your instincts, and stay positive. Life has many cycles and this is just one that your passing through. Things will get better.


wetnwildaquarius 43F

8/9/2005 1:06 pm

You all have been so kind with your words of encouragement and I am still taking time to stand back and look. I am seeking professional help so that I can get a handle on all of this once and for all. This process is the hardest because I am actually reliving all of my past events that may have lead up to this point. This is not easy for me to bring something so personal out about myself, but this is creeping me out at times. I hate admitting to not trusting men when I should be giving someone out here a fair chance to reveal themselves. I am not being fair to myself or the people who are really sincere. I don't know the difference between a wolf and sheep. They usually come together and are hidden very well sometimes. I am too kind hearted for my own good and many have played upon it and it sickens me. I feel like I lost meself and I can't find my way back. I'm sorry to say this when you all are trying to build up my hopes, but why does it seem so far away as far as recovery from this. I hate being like this and I hate not being able to bond with someone as a result of this. This sucks really bad.


wetnwildaquarius 43F

8/9/2005 1:07 pm

Barbiedoll thank you girlfriend for those words. I will be giving them some deep thought today and everyday.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
52M
2642 posts
8/9/2005 1:57 pm

I wish I could say the words that would immediately take away all the pain you have ever experienced. You are a very sweet person. One that needs a strong, strong man that you
will feel safe and happy to share all of yourself with. It will happen boo. Walk in to the dance with your eyes wide open, but proceed to dance like no one was watching...and if any man dares to even think about abusing you, you know my number and you know how I roll. Change the type of guy you date. Look for a responsible, non-flashy, mature and nurturing type of guy. There are plenty of us out here. Some of us have been abused too.
It will take communication and trust and it will be alright.
Luv Ya Baby.

Siz


wetnwildaquarius 43F

8/9/2005 9:06 pm

Thank you sizzle and as always you come to my rescue. My hero! lol
Well if I go to this blogger's convention then you will have to be my body guard for the entire time unless I ???????????????????? lol


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