Rock on Nanny!  

warmandsexy52 64M
7186 posts
11/9/2005 3:23 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Rock on Nanny!

Would you believe it? The British Government have just announced that they are to introduce a National Curriculum for babies and toddlers.

Now for those of you who know little about the British educational system the National Curriculum has been all about the government micromanaging everything that is taught in British schools. Everything that is taught is prescribed by the Department for Education and Skills and has to be assessed, measured, recorded and used in one database following the child through all stages of their education and open to all sorts of statistical analysis. By the time English children reach the age of 16 they are the most tested and assessed youngsters of any country in the world. To quote one leading adviser to the British Government, “If it’s going to be measured it’s got to get done.” In some areas, such as the government’s last and rushed addition to the curriculum ‒ citizenship ‒ it’s being assessed and reported on even though no one can fully decide upon what exactly it is and how it is to be delivered.

The other dimension to this is that whole schools are being compared and ranked in league tables, based on performance. Schools that fall below par are placed under ‘special measures’, involving close inspection and grand improvement schemes, and if they don’t work such schools are closed down. For a school to be placed under special measures it is the Mark of Cain. Teachers leave the sinking ship in droves and crisis invariably follows. There are hardly ever any quick fixes. Needless to say, most failing schools have catchments from areas of social deprivation and are usually the least equipped and supported to cope.

Such faith have the Scots and the Welsh in the English system that they are moving away from such obsessions with assessing, measuring and ranking schools, seeing them as counter-educational and potentially destructive.

Even children’s crèches and daycare centres are subject to such controls and inspection.

So much for the prologue. You have some idea of the state and how it controls everything in the education of our children.

So what is a National Curriculum for babies and toddlers going to look like? Well to start with the state will need ‘benchmark data’ from which progress can be measured. So we will need to test the child at the point of birth.

“But my baby won’t be able to read or write yet!” mum-to-be gasps as she clutches at the gas and air mask.

“Don’t worry, there will be a reader and scribe with the delivery team. Now push, dear, PUSH!!!!!”


And then what constitutes progress? I started to consider what our most gifted and talented infants might be able to achieve. These would be our exemplars of excellence. Here’s some suggestions, as ‘can do’ statements:

1. can selectively puke on people mom doesn’t much like at seven days.

2. can change own nappy at three months.

3. can smile at irony at six months ‒ not to be confused with wind!

4. can hop, skip and jump at nine months.

5. can recite five Shakespeare sonnets at one year.

6. can set up ebay trading company at fifteen months.


For most of us, though, unblessed by such rare and wonderful talent-genes, achievements would be more mundane, in reaching first words, first potty achievement, first few steps and so on. Of course there would be time-based expectations and remedial actions taken in the event of a child falling behind (literally in the case of learning to walk). There will be baby boot camps for the most challenged and challenging. That’ll teach them and their negligent moms and dads not to fall behind, not to mention encourager les autres! Nyah-ha-ha!!!

So what of families where children still fall way behind National Curriculum expectations? Still dribbling at two years? Missing potty because wants to pee like dad? Or like my daughter, would only roll on her tummy way beyond fifteen months (she liked to be on the same level as the cat, we later discovered ‒ but oh, the reflected shame at kiddies parties! At 23 she walks perfectly!). Yes, we’d be put on ‘special measures’ and if we didn’t get our act together, after much interference by an all-powerful inspectorate, be closed down (and presumably sterilised), our kids being moved to more successful families who had met the grade and were at the top end of the league table.

Rock on Nanny State! Where would we be without you?


warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
11/11/2005 11:41 pm

I love your idea, saddle sweetie. Not only very funny but full of business opportunities! lol.

What next? Well I think sperm should be tested for swimming ability, and eggs for how far they travel down the fallopian tube. Nature does a perfectly good job of self-selecting this already, but I doubt if that would get in the way of politicians interfering. warm xx


saddletrampsk 54F

11/11/2005 8:15 pm

I guess soon they will be telling us what to do with our children prenatally..might have to put tiny headphones to pregnant women's bellies with educational messages being played....oh brother what next..


warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
11/10/2005 10:52 pm

Ah bella, I wasn't alone in my amazement! Thanks for sharing. warm xx


rm_bella_ 47F
4030 posts
11/10/2005 5:30 pm

wow! Now that is something else.


warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
11/10/2005 5:11 pm

Let children play, woody. Hmmmm, like the idea. But don't say it too loud or we'll all be instructed on what games to play! warm


warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
11/10/2005 4:43 pm

Coffee, when I heard it on the national news I couldn't believe my ears. It seems that politicians, being inept at enabling things to progress seek in their own clumsy way to legislate and control. Nanny knows best, doesn't she? warm xx


SoljerBlu 39M

11/10/2005 3:38 pm

I guess George W has been learning from the Motherland. Here in the rebellious colonies we got 'No child left behind', and pre-kindergarden. Since my grandkids now live with me, I intend to 'home school' them to spare them from this idiocy. I personally think school should have three hours of recess (play time) and four hours of quiet reading.


_CoffeeNoCream_ 52F

11/10/2005 1:27 pm

very disturbing.....


warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
11/9/2005 5:36 pm

caressmewell, I shudder at the very thought! warm xx


caressmewell 53F

11/9/2005 5:03 pm

OMG - what will they think of next?


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